Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Solving the Pube Enigma

Guy 1: Dude, I think there’s a pube in my chicken strips.
Guy 2: A what?
Guy 1: A fuckin’ pubic hair, dude. I think there’s a pube on my chicken.
Guy 2: Are you sure it isn’t just a chicken hair?
Guy 1: Chickens have feathers, bro.
Guy 2: Yeah, but, like, they have some hair, too.
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: Like, haven’t you ever had a chicken wing with, like, sort of bristly hairs sticking off of it?
Guy 1: No.
Guy 2: Really?
Guy 1: Really.
Guy 2: Well, they do have hairs sometimes, I guess. Usually just a few here and there near the pointy part of the wing.
Guy 1: Fuckin’ weird.
Guy 2: Yeah, totally.
Guy 1: But, dude, this hair is curly and shit.
Guy 2: Let me see … ewww, dude, that’s a fuckin’ pube!
Guy 1: I knew it!
Guy 2: You should take it back to the counter and get another order.
Guy 1: Yeah, right! Then they’d probably spit on the chicken, too, this time.
Guy 2: True. Or put, like, five pubes in there, hidden at the bottom.
Guy 1: Those assholes.
Guy 2: Can you, like, eat around it or something?
Guy 1: I don’t even want to look at it, bro.
Guy 2: This reminds me of that time Ryan found a pube in his French fries.
Guy 1: Well, what did he do?
Guy 2: He stood up in the middle of the restaurant and yelled, “There’s a goddamn pube in my French fries!” and then the manager came out and told him to leave.
Guy 1: Why? It’s not like it was his own pube he put in there or something.
Guy 2: The manager said he was making a scene or something gay like that.
Guy 1: Dude, I think I’m just going to pick the pube off of my chicken.
Guy 2: Fuckin’ gross! You’re going to touch it?
Guy 1: I think I kind of have to.
Guy 2: Sick!
Guy 1: I’ll just, like, use my left hand that I don’t eat with.
Guy 2: What if that pube gets stuck under your fingernail or something?
Guy 1: This is so nasty, dude.
Guy 2: Wait! What are you going to do with it once it’s off your chicken?
Guy 1: Fuckin’ throw it on the floor or something.
Guy 2: What if it lands on your foot, dude? You’re wearing flip-flops, so that pube would probably, like, get on your toes and you’d be walking in someone’s pubes all day.
Guy 1: I didn’t think about that. I should just wipe it under the table like old gum.
Guy 2: Fuck that shit, dude! You’d probably touch some, like, old hooker’s gum or something. Then you’d have pube residue and herpes on your hand.
Guy 1: Goddamnit.
Guy 2: I mean, you could just wipe the pube into a napkin, but then you’d be sitting here eating with a pube napkin sitting next to you. Something about that just seems weird.
Guy 1: This sucks so much, dude.
Guy 2: Can you just blow the pube off the chicken?
Guy 1: I’m not blowing on some strange pube, dude.
Guy 2: It’s probably stuck to the chicken ‘cause of the sauce anyway.
Guy 1: This is getting ridiculous.
Guy 2: We shouldn’t have to deal with this kind of thing when we’re trying to eat lunch, man.
Guy 1: You know what? I’m done. Fuck this. I’m just going to fill up on free soda refills and eat a hot pocket when I get home.
Guy 2: Good thinking, bro. Abusin’ the free refills. We’re not coming back here, though, I’ll tell you that right now.
Guy 1: Well, at least not for a while.
Guy 2: Yeah, we’ll come back when the other cooks are in the kitchen or something—the ones that don’t wipe their helmets on the chicken.
Guy 1: Do you really think the guy wiped his dick on this chicken?
Guy 2: How else would he get a pube in there?
Guy 1: Ugh … Dude, I am drinking—seriously—a gallon of free Dr. Pepper before I leave here today.