Sunday, January 20, 2008

Answering a Letter

Dear Morb:

I read your blog a lot and have noticed a disturbing trend: You seem to hate Apple computers and all of their other products (iPods, iTunes, etc.). What gives, man? Apple is awesome! Apple computers are, like, hip and stuff—unlike those stuffy PCs and their lame-o grey cases. Dude, Apple computers come in different colors and stuff. Oh yeah, and the mouse only has one button! That’s amazing! Plus I’ve heard that Macs have better graphics or something, and when they break you just throw them away and buy a new one! Damn, that Steve Jobs is a genius. I wish he’s rub his hipster neck stubble on my naked balls. Anyway, PCs are for, like, conformist, unimaginative sheep. Macs are for all of us free-thinking nonconformists. You don’t seem like a conformist, Morb, so you should buy a Mac like the rest of us.

Anyway, with the recent Macworld came another mind-blowing announcement from the super-studly, turtleneck shirt-wearing man himself; and even you have to admit the new MacBook Air is incredible. Dude, it’s sooooooo small. It’s so small it can fit in a manila envelope. A manila envelope, man! That’s amazing! It’s so sexy I’d like to lube it up with my own saliva and cram it into my ass! It’s so sleek it would probably only hurt a little and make me bleed even less!

So, seriously, you’re going to convert and buy the new MacBook Air, right?


Mac Fag # 1!

Dear Mac Fag:

No. No, I’m not going to buy a MacBook Air or any other piece of Apple trash, for that matter. I have Zippo lighters more technologically advanced than the MacBook Air. Call me a conformist, but I think I’ll stick with my custom-built PC that I can upgrade however I want whenever I feel like it.

The MacBook Air is just another inferior piece of computer technology with barely enough power to rival the broken Speak ‘n’ Spell the helmet-wearing retard down the street uses to induce the time-travel concussions he’s so fond of. But none of that really matters to you because the damned thing looks so cool and sexy and Steve Blowjobs is so hip. Why not save yourself a couple thousand bucks and slap an Apple sticker on a smooth river rock and cram that up yourself?

By the way, you know what else fits in a manila envelope? Love letters to Hitler. Just sayin’.