Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I Can Be Poetic, Too: Goodbyes

Existence is merely a prelude to eternity.

--I don’t know where I read that.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Morbid Misanthrope's Drunken Safety Tip for the Weekend

You can't fall in the shower if you wash yourself in the sink.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

California Court Rules Arresting Criminals Discrimination

I haven't posted much lately, because I'm very busy; however, I read this story on the internet and figured I'd post it.

California Court Rules Arresting Criminals Discrimination
By Max Bojo, AP

In a move that shocked many Americans who don’t pay attention, a California court ruled today that arresting criminals is discriminatory and therefore unconstitutional.

In the case of De Santos v. McKinney, presiding Justice Sandra J. Pelosenstein ruled in favor of De Santos, a man accused of breaking into the McKinney’s house and murdering the family of six in their sleep.

According to the police, Juan De Santos smoked several ounces of what he believed to be homemade crystal meth (further tests show it was really just crushed mothballs mixed with bobcat urine), wandered the neighborhood the McKinneys lived in, and scaled the side of their two-story home. Police reports say that De Santos then proceeded to bludgeon the entire McKinney family to death with an old shovel.

De Santos then tried to make the murders look like suicides by emptying several bottles of Tylenol around the slain bodies, apparently unaware that no investigator in his right mind would mistake six brutal murders for a group pain-killer overdose. The poorly written suicide note De Santos left, written in Spanish and signed “not Juan De Santos,” also made a group suicide look less than likely.

When asked by detectives why he killed the McKinneys he said, “I was having a bad day,” and “I think they may have looked at me funny or something.”

Although the police have called this “the most open-and-shut case of our time,” the Justices decided to take the trial in another direction. After a long deliberation that surprised myriad reporters waiting to report the outcome of the trial, the Justices emerged with a long statement and decision.

“It seems obvious to me,” read Justice Pelosenstein, “that punishing this man simply because he broke the law is both unfair and illegal. Punishing people for breaking the law does nothing but single out an entire group of people to be treated less fairly than others. It’s a clear-cut case of discrimination; and just because existing laws permit it, that doesn’t make it right. Oh yes, and boodely-doodely, whickety-wackity Gondwanaland.”

In addition to ruling that putting criminals in jail is an unlawful act of discrimination, the court also ruled that criminals already serving time in prison must be released within twenty-four hours. Legal analysts are already predicting thousands of lawsuits filed by prisoners who, thanks to the court’s newest ruling, were imprisoned unfairly. And, they claim, that's the least of Californians' worries.

“Goddammit!” said Tobias James, a legal analyst interviewed by Fox News. “Do you know what this means? I mean, do you have any idea? On my way home from this interview, I’m stocking up on attack dogs, rape whistles, and automatic weapons. I’m outta here, bitches!”

Legal analysts are also predicting that laws keeping felons from voting will be changed in light of the court’s latest ruling. Ideally, these new laws would be put on an emergency ballot and voted on by Californians, but Justice Pelosenstein sees things differently. “It’s allowing people to vote on such matters that led to the discrimination of thousands of innocent criminals. We’re judges. It’s our job to make sure things are being run the way we see fit. And I run things the way the disembodied voice in my closet tells me to. Sometimes he’s very nice and sings nursery rhymes, other times he says he’s the devil.”

This decision hardly shocked many of the more politically observant members of society. In the most recent election, Jessica’s law was supported overwhelmingly by voters, yet Judges overturned the passing of the law. “Just because over seventy percent of Californians voted to discriminate against innocent child molesters doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do,” said another judge who wished to remain anonymous. “Let’s face it: we’re judges. We know better than everyone else. If anyone disagrees with me, I’ll just pass some law to have them locked away in a small cave. See? I made a map to the cave with my crayons and this Starbucks napkin. All aboard! Chuggah-chuggah, chuggah chuggah, choo-choo!”

As the denizens of the state of California lock their doors, stockpile weapons, and prepare for what could be the end of life as they know it, only one thing is certain: Judge Pelosenstein has stripped naked, climbed up a tree, and gorging herself on tree bark, speaking what sounds like a mix of Tagalog and Klingon.