Tuesday, November 22, 2005

My Superhero Rating

I’ve noticed that a lot of my fellow bloggers have been doing this online superhero test. While I’m not interested in wearing any cherry-smuggling tights and running around the city looking like a complete tool, I was a bit curious to see which superhero the test would say I am most like.

Considering most of the quiz results for other bloggers likened them to Superman and other beloved characters, I was a bit surprised to see my quiz results. Honestly, I’ve never heard of this superhero. Oh well, anything is better than being Namor: the Submariner – that guy sucks.

You are Wine-Oh the Magnificent.

You are an inebriated, fowl-smelling, Viking warrior. You are prone to lewd behavior, sudden mood changes, and pawning your belongings to buy bottles of George Dickel whiskey.

You don’t care about helping people and even if you did, most of the time you’re not coherent enough to do much of anything.

Wine-Oh the Magnificent: 100%

Surly: 80%

Unreasonable: 80%

Violent/Abusive: 75%

Nauseous: 70%

Viking: 60%

Sloppy: 50%

Belligerent: 50%

Unconscious: 30%

Bearded: 20%

Smelly: 20%

Disheveled: 20%

Oafish: 20%

Monday, November 21, 2005

Friday, November 18, 2005

Finally Some Art that Doesn’t Suck

This blogger often does a great job pointing out art that sucks, which is why I’ve decided to mention a piece of art that doesn’t suck. This painting was created by the German painter Cornelius Quabeck. This masterpiece measures 160x100 cm and is coal and cloth paint on coarse cotton. And while it would have been more badass if Cornelius would have painted it with blood, he still gets credit for making a painting of Kerry King that actually looks like Kerry King; none of that postmodern art bullshit.

The painting, simply titled “Kerry,” was displayed at this year’s Art Forum Berlin; some fancy-pants art show that probably sucks. Undoubtedly, “Kerry” was the best thing there. This kick ass painting probably scared a bunch of stupid, pretentious art-snobs so much they dropped their cheese into their wine. Slayer kicks ass.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Crazy Will Rahmer

Blabbermouth.net recently reported that Will Rahmer from the death metal band Mortician went nuts in a taxi cab in Poland, threatened the driver with a knife, stole the cab and drove to the Polish/German border in Swiecko where he was apprehended by authorities. Now he’s facing three to fifteen years in prison.

They don’t fuck around in Poland. The band Gorgoroth already got in some trouble over there for shooting a video with some topless broads crucified upside down, drenched in blood, and surrounded by severed animal heads.

Mortician kicks ass. I hope Rahmer doesn’t end up doing time. So far, I haven’t read anything about what caused Rahmer to wig out. Hopefully, he has a damn good reason and a damn good legal team. Good luck, Will!

Monday, November 14, 2005

The Devil's Rejects: An Immature Review

I didn’t see this movie in theaters for two reasons: 1.) I hate leaving my house and 2.) I was permanently banned from the local movie theater for punching out the six year old girl that spilled her slurpee on my leg. I kicked her Grandfather’s ass too, but that was in the parking lot.

Anyway, House of 1000 Corpses was killer so I was pretty sure The Devil’s Rejects was going to kick ass too. As usual, I was right. The movie kicked ass. Whereas House of 1000 Corpses was pretty much a rip off of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (minus one fat cripple in a wheelchair), The Devil’s Rejects was more original yet still somewhat reminiscent of The Last House on the Left

The movie was really violent, full of profanity, and Otis was rocking a sweet beard.

Also, E. G. Daily – the voice of Tommy from The Rugrats – played a filthy hooker in the film. I’m not sure if that’s cool or kind of weird but to her credit, she was a really convincing whore. Even Brian Posehn was in the movie and he had a sweet beard too.

Captain Spaulding was kicking ass as usual. At one point he carjacks this lady and her kid. There’s nothing quite like watching a psycho clown punch out some kid’s mom. Then, he gets in the car and the little kid is all scared.

Spaulding: “What's the matter, kid? Don't ya like clowns?”
Kid: Shakes head crying like a wuss.
Spaulding: “Why? Don't we make ya laugh? Aren't we fuckin' funny? You best come up with an answer, cos I'm gonna come back here and check on you and your momma and if you ain't got a reason why you hate clowns, I'm gonna kill your whole fucking family.”

Yes! That part kicked ass!

Even though Otis and Captain Spaulding are crazy and kill a bunch of people, this guy is even crazier.

He’s the sheriff and his brother, also a sheriff, was killed in the first movie. So now he’s all obsessed with killing the devil’s rejects. He starts out being pretty normal, but then he snaps and goes so mental even Otis probably peed a little when he was nailed to a chair and the sheriff was ranting. You have to be a hard ass to say shit like “I'm going to kill you and drink your fucking blood!”

The Devil’s Rejects kicked ass. Just make sure you see the unrated version. Unless you’re a wussy, in which case, watch the censored version so you don’t get nightmares.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Fuckin' People

I hate a lot of things; this has been thoroughly established. But something new has been pissing me off lately. Well, not new, really, but apparently I have much less patience for it these days.

Have you ever been somewhere, minding your own business, when someone you haven’t seen in a long time spots you and decides to talk to you? Usually the reason you haven’t seen them in a long time is because you didn’t want to see them. Yet, for some reason, they feel compelled to approach you and make inane small talk.

“Yeah, since you last saw him, Jake’s lost, oh, I’d say fifty pounds. Well, maybe not fifty pounds, but he’s lost weight. Hey, remember that time a few years back? I think it was May…no it must’ve been July because, remember, Tom got sick from eating all those Fourth of July hot dogs…although, it could have been November because my Uncle Toby had that Veterans’ Day barbecue. Oh well. You remember that time right?”

Then you nod politely, slowly edging backwards toward the register at the market, just praying you’ll be able to get out of the store without having to exchange phone numbers with some peon intent on explaining the intricacies of your old pal Ted’s last colonoscopy.

This crap has been happening to me a lot lately. Not just when I’m out on liquor runs either, mind you. People I haven’t seen in years have actually just been showing up at my door. Did I suddenly become a jackass magnet?

For example, the other night I was sitting by myself drinking heavily when the strangest thing happened: my phone rang. I hate when that happens. When I answer, the voice on the other end is that of a slurring, drooling, shit-ass-drunk South-Pacific Islander I used to know.

“Heeeeeyyyyy man! Guess who zis is?”

I haven’t seen this butt nut for over a year and suddenly he’s calling me up in the middle of the night trying to be all friendly. This leads me to believe – and rightfully so – he needs something. Some shit never changes. He blathers on about what he’s been up to lately, and what the rest of the other guys I used to hang out had been up to since I saw them last. Try as I might, it is very difficult to end a phone call from a nostalgic drunk.

“Dude, let’s hang out, ok?”

Fucking great. Now he wants to hang out. Coming from him this loosely translates to “Can I come over, drink your alcohol, whine about stupid shit you don’t care about, piss all over myself, and then crash on your floor.” At this point, I could have just hung up on him, but when I heard a car door slam outside, I remembered he knew where I lived.

“Dude, I’m like, right outside.”


In order to keep this guy out of my house, I go outside and talk to him. He tells me this story about how he was driving drunk and crashed into a bunch of parked cars.

“That changed my life, man. I don’t do that shit anymore,” he said, wobbling drunkenly next to the vehicle he just drove to my house. Then he gives me the “Man, we should hang out more, man. Like old times, man,” speech. Yeah, that’ll happen. He finally left, promising to call me sometime. Thankfully, he never did.

Some time after that, I was out buying alcohol. Damn me for shopping at a store in an area of town I usually avoid. And damn that store for having Evan Williams on sale that weekend.

Suddenly, this old lady that says she knows my parents starts talking to me. She begins talking about a slew of other people my parents used to know and what they had been doing for the last twenty years.

“John Thomas, he knew your Dad from work, just got a promotion. Perfect timing too because his wife just got laid off from the greeting card factory. Well, their oldest son, Chad, recently got a degree and moved to Namibia to teach starving Namibians trigonometry. Oh! Do you remember William?”


“Well, he’s doing great. He helped me program my VCR just the other day. Did you hear about his poor daughter?”


“She’s in quite a predicament. It seems her husband Alexander is back on the crack cocaine. Lost another job too. She came home one night and Alexander was in a drug rage and he threw that antique radio straight out the second story window. Terrible. Terrible. She should have known what she was in for when she married a Russian. Proud people those Russians.”

What the fuck?

“Tell me, how’s Sarah doing these days?”

Who in god’s name is Sarah?

“Remember Sarah? You and Sarah used to play the Nintendo with Laura.”

I’ve never heard of any of these people.

“You three were inseparable. We used to call you three the Mario Brothers.”

That doesn’t even make sense.

“Speaking of Laura, do you remember Ling Liu? She’s a ballerina now. Look, I have these tickets for The Nutcracker. She’s in that ballet. Performing downtown and everything. The tickets are only eighty dollars. Why don’t you buy one?”

Why don’t I just give you five bucks to kick me in the nuts right now so I can save some time and money?

“You always were the funny one, you know? You should have been a comedian instead of a doctor. That’s what I always tell your Aunt Beatrice anyway.”

Ok, to be fair, this lady wasn’t really someone who I knew and hadn’t seen for a while, but she ran her mouth off like she was. I don’t know who she was, but her friends and family sounded nice.

A few days later, I saw a familiar face as I drove to work. It was Chester, the friendly neighborhood crack fiend. When I was thirteen walking through the neighborhood, this guy tried to sell me a boat for three dollars. I was pretty sure the boat wasn’t really his because he was trying to break into it as he offered to sell it to me.

I guess he’s out of prison now, because he’s back in town riding his bicycle all over the place in search of rehabilitation, or more likely, crack. And while he managed to get a few more prison tattoos, he still doesn’t seem to have a shirt. He hasn’t really talked to me yet, and he probably wouldn’t remember me anyway, but it’s just a matter of time before he tries to sell me something really crappy so he and his old lady can get their fix.

I’ve run into a bunch of other idiots I used to know too, and it pisses me off. Doesn’t anyone die anymore?

Take That Clooney!

Ann Coulter makes George Clooney look like a tool again. (Not like he really needs the help.) Plus, if you weren't sure by now, there's no reason to see "Good Night, and Good Luck."

Read the article HERE

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I Try to Stay Away from Politics but...

Here is a quote from Ted Kennedy back in 1990 when Samuel Alito was confirmed to the appellate bench:

"You [Alito] have obviously had a very distinguished record, and I certainly commend you for long service in the public interest. I think it is a very commendable career and I am sure you will have a successful one as a judge."

Here’s another quote from Sen. Kennedy, this time from Monday:

"If confirmed, Alito could very well fundamentally alter the balance of the court and push it dangerously to the right, placing at risk decades of American progress in safeguarding our fundamental rights and freedoms."

That’s quite the 180 degree turn. I wonder why Kennedy’s opinion changed so drastically... Hey, I’m just saying.