Friday, September 29, 2006

Super-Happy, Feelgood, Power Metal Video of the Weekend

This has to be the coolest music video I've ever seen. Everything about it is so over the top it's simply amazing. The band, Dragonforce, has claimed they're so metal they'll melt your face off (or something to that effect, anyway). They didn't melt my face off, but they warmed my heart with their insane power metal posturing and posing.

I usually never listen to this kind of music, usually because of the cheese factor and the squealing vocals, but after watching the mind-boggling dueling solo at the end of the video I was sold. Holy Merlin's pointy hat, if I could play like that I wouldn't have to sit in front of a computer all day. Instead, I'd be touring the country in a frilly blouse, twirling a pointy guitar around my dragon-slaying sword.

This song is so hilariously uplifting, it could cheer up Edgar Allan Poe's depressed corpse. I mean, the guy's playing a keytar for shit's sake. And he's actually rocking it! These guys obviously don't take themselves too seriously and are just being goofy. What's not to love?

Anyway, enjoy the video--especially the dueling solos near the end.

J Holden (, I hope this cheers you up a bit. It couldn't hurt.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A Story Worth Mentioning

As has been happening quite frequently lately, Muslims around the world are furious and fucking shit up like retarded toddlers throwing temper tantrums. While many experts believe these “protests”—and all around bad behavior—were caused by Koran-sanctioned man panties riding up cracks simultaneously throughout the Middle East, others claim the pope is to blame. His holiness under the silly hat made statements that many Muslims consider offensive, incendiary, or at the very least, historically accurate.

In all his mighty popeitude, the leader of the Catholic Church quoted an earlier Byzantine pope—Pope John James Dingus the Mellow—who had the following to say about Muslims:

“These crazy fuckers, man. I swear, I’m just sittin’ here, lookin’ at this sweet painting of Jesus I commissioned, and all of a sudden there are, like, thousands of these sheep-shit-smelling bastards cutting people’s heads off. Yeah, I know, what a bunch of dicks, right? Anyway, then they start saying Jesus was a messenger of Allah, when all of us educated types know Jesus was a white guy.

“You know, I’m a merciful fellow, completely willing to let bygones be bygones, but Joe Blow Hibjab-al Shamar won’t be happy until he kills all the infidels; which, I’m told, is me and all my holy homies. Plus, my friend Mike says he saw one of those barbarians shitting on a cross. I mean, not only is that gross, it’s fucked up.

“They start offing all my followers, so I realize something has to be done. I make this sweet decree about their [Muslims] ‘spreading Islam with the sword,’ ‘being afraid of pigs,’ and generally ‘smelling of beefy curry farts.’ That last part is really just my opinion, but, hell, I’m the pope and therefore infallible and totally sweet. Bottom line: these fuckers are loonier than a whorehouse full of possessed lepers on fire. It’s like they pop wood when they behead someone. By god, I’m going to put a stop to it.”

Pope Benedict XVI quoted snippets of this historical speech which instantly angered Muslims all over the place. It is worth mentioning, however, that even Muslims who don’t speak any English were furious with the pope before they even knew what he said. While thousands of rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth protesters struggled to find the words to express their animalistic ire, the three literate Muslims in the Middle East made protest signs for everyone else.

After a short time, angry protesters began burning effigies of the pope, American flags, and, just so people don’t forget how much Muslims hate the Jews, Israeli flags.

When Pope Benedict XVI was asked to comment or apologize for what he said, he mumbled something in German which sounded suspiciously like Rammstein lyrics, sighed deeply, and said:

“I never meant to offend anyone. I was simply making an observation about the behavior of Muslim extremists today and the conquering Muslim armies of the past. It’s not like secret information or anything. You can read all about it in books at your local library or even on the internet. In fact, I’ll be posting some relevant links on my MySpace page later this evening after the Sex and the City marathon. Also, way to prove my point, Jerks; you know, with the violence, rioting, and church vandalism. Take a chill pill already. Sheesh!”

The pope’s comments led to more anger in the Muslim community for several reasons, according to Ali Shabaz, a Muslim scholar who is admittedly hooked on phonics.

“Well, for one, the pope is an infidel and will burn in Allah’s hell,” Shabaz said while spitting on the floor. “Secondly, the women in Sex and the City are infidel whores with their genitals intact. The fact that the pope believes women should be allowed to keep their clitorises in order to derive pleasure from fornication shows he is just as decadent as Americans.” Shabaz then went on a lengthy rant about the internet being evil and the sanctity of throwing rocks. The pope is expected to respond after he finishes watching TV.

It has been reported that some Muslims became so angry during the riots their heads exploded. This has terrified the Department of Homeland Security, because Muslims exploding without actual bombs can’t possibly be a good thing. During the last Muslim riots—caused by Danish cartoons of Muhammad reading a book and being conscious of personal hygiene—Muslims were angry enough to melt, but no head explosions were reported.

Bjorn Viking, a noted Scandinavian scientist, has calculated that Muslims are getting madder and madder at smaller and smaller offenses to Islam. The mathematical formula M + MM @ SSOI = OHSHIT proves that Muslim indignation leading to stupid violence and endless media coverage is becoming more common and completely inevitable. Viking believes that in the near future, almost anything will cause Muslims to riot. For example, Viking predicts that soon anyone singing “Old MacDonald had a Farm” containing the verse where the pig goes “Oink, Oink,” clean-shaven men, various foods supposedly bearing the image of Muhammad, buildings made from anything other than sand, and the use of toilet paper will be enough to cause Muslims to riot.

Since the pope has not yet apologized for his comments, the violence continues. An alarming number of protesters and rioters believe that, with his comments, the pope has started another crusade against Islam. The pope’s friends and underlings in silly outfits have repeatedly pointed out that there is no crusade in the works. Rioters say they are calling “bullshit” on the pope and will continue to cause trouble until the pope apologizes and converts to Islam. “It’s a simple compromise,” Shabaz said grinning. “Just conform to our beliefs, our way of life, and our sacred laws and we will stop making a fuss. It’s as easy as pie.”

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Deicide's New Logo

Deicide, a band fronted by Glen Benton that has been pissing off Jesus and the Virgin Mary for several years, has finally released their new music video along with their new and spectacular logo. Since this band is so anti-Christian and therefore terribly terrifying, I’ve decided to post their new logo.

A Few Facts About Deicide:

It’s a little known fact that Glen Benton is so Satanic, he actually had Anton Lavey and the devil himself in the form of an anti-Christian mosquito light their collective cock rings on fire to brand an upside-down cross on his forehead. When asked why he went with an upside-down cross instead of 666, Glen Benton said, “Because 666 is for posers. Besides, Crowley couldn’t make it to the forehead branding.”

Glen Benton is a fat, drunken slob with dorky, yet Satanic, facial hair.

The true meaning of 666 for all the true believers in the know, according to Benton, is “69ing with Satan, which makes Satanic sense because the Devil is a double inverted dyslexic.”

The stupid but utterly Satanic BMX “armor” Benton used to wear on stage was actually made from Asian Baphomet plastic crystals mined in South Africa. Thusly, it was ultra blasphemous.

Jack Owen kicks ass.

When Deicide played a show in my hometown a few years back, one of the guitar players—who left the band with his brother recently—was wearing a leather S&M mask with the zipper shut. When asked why he wore that mask on stage he replied, “I’m tired of Benton making me lick the ass of a plastic effigy of Satan before every show. This was my protest. You know, like those guys in China who licked tank treads a few years ago.”

When Deicide played in Las Vegas a few years back, Glen Benton told me candidly that “My wiener is the handle and my ass is the slot machine. I hope Satan pulls my handle and hits the jackpot.”

As Glen Benton gets older, he seems to have a larger and larger bald spot. This, he says, is where Satan and Satan’s pope rest their nuts when they give him lyrics for new Deicide songs.

The song “Dead by Dawn” is about Glen Benton’s ill-fated sea monkeys.

There you have it, Deicide’s new logo and a few little-known facts about the band itself. Don’t forget to buy the band’s new CD, The Stench of Redemption, which got its name from the smell of Benton’s unwashed, Satanic leather pants after Deicide’s last tour.

P.S. "Homage for Satan" is improperly titled. It should be "Homage to Satan." This just goes to show that Satan sucks at speaking English. I think he's too used to speaking backwards Latin. I mean, grow the fuck up already, right?