Monday, June 27, 2005

An Open Letter to Sen. Dick Durbin

Sir, you are a tool. The practically treasonous statements you made were not only based on exaggerations and lies, they were just plain ridiculous and harmful to American morale in these difficult times. For these outlandish statements and your phony apology I say, fuck you. Though you are a Senator, I have no respect for you. I’d sooner vote for mandatory colonics than vote for you for any position.

Based on the statements you made, I have determined you are not competent enough to hold any position higher than peep show booth cleaner, a position also known as jizz-mopper. Even then, I wouldn’t trust you to do your job properly because I don’t think you’re capable of mopping up DNA without slandering innocent people. Our troops are brave and honorable, and unlike you, a human shit stain, I support them and our military.

Your pseudo-pology was not even close to making up for your slander. At the very least, you should have immediately retracted your statement. Since you did not, and since so many Americans are ashamed of your behavior, you should step down, or as I would say, get the fuck out of the senate you dickhead.

You are the epitome of what is wrong with this country. I urge you and the majority of your crooked party to immigrate north to Canada where you can despise the United States without actually being in a position of power to further ruin this great country. Or you could stick weights up your ass and jump in a lake. As long as I don’t have to listen to your bullshit, I’ll be happy.

In summation: Fuck you, go to hell (or Canada).


Morbid Misanthrope
Commander of the Misanthropic Army
Truly an Army of One.

San Diego International Comic Convention: Not this fucking year

This is the first year since I was a young teenager that I won’t be attending the San Diego Comic Convention. I’m a little bit bummed about it but there are a number of reasons I’m not going.

1.) I haven’t read a comic book in years.

2.) My brother is away at college and going with him was half the fun.

3.) Having a job keeps me from going Thursday and Friday, much like being normal keeps me from dressing up like an elf and introducing myself as Trantor when I talk to the lady who sells water. (Note: I apologize to all the nerds out there of the opinion that Trantor sounds more like a troll’s name than an Elf’s. I’m a busy guy. I don’t have time to research appropriate elf names on the internet. Even if I had the time, I still wouldn’t so fuck off already.)

4.) Too many people. Last year, there were so many people attending, that even though I paid way the fuck ahead of time for the four day pass, it took so long to get my pass, I missed out on preview night. What the fuck?

5.) Regardless of how fun it is making fun of overweight girls dressed like Sailor Moon, the Comic Con is also a pain in the ass. It’s expensive, time-consuming, and attending is very similar to being one bee in a massive, buzzing beehive; except the hive stinks of fat-guy BO and rancid hot dog burps.

6.) I hate people touching me. But at the Comic Con, because it was so crowded, I found myself getting rubbed up against by some fat sweaty guy in a Shazam shirt with eruptive acne that looks like a science experiment gone wrong. While I understand the plight of these unfortunate people, that doesn’t make it any less infuriating when they elbow check me while making a mad dash to buy the last bootleg Star Wars Christmas TV Special.

7.) The last couple of Comic Cons, the major reason I went was to attend the Adult Swim panel. Now though, Adult Swim sucks and I have no reason to go to the panel; unless Tim and Eric were there in which case I’d kick their asses.

There are plenty of reasons I want to go as well. I wouldn’t have gone for so many years if it wasn’t worth it.

1.) There’s a lot of free shit that nerds would pay a fortune for on Ebay.

2.) I still need one more bootleg of The Tick (cartoon show) to have all the episodes. Alas, that one missing tape contains the episode The Tick vs. The Tick which is the episode with the hilarious character the Evil Midnight Bomber what Bombs at Midnight. I need that tape like Michael Jackson needs his fix of little Billy.

3.) I just found out Brendon Small is going to be there. That guy rules.

4.) Tradition. By tradition, I mean getting totally wasted and going to the Comic Con drunk laughing at everything.

5.) Thanks to plenty of weapons booths, the nerds at the Comic Con are more heavily armed than Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod and Blade combined. There’s nothing funnier than a skinny nerd trying to carry a sword that’s way too heavy for him. It’s like watching a mouse try to carry a piece of cheese twice his size.

6.) Kicking klingon ass.

7.) Danzig is usually there.

8.) The following booths usually own: Liquor Man, Too Much Coffee Man, Martin the Satanic Raccoon,, Troma, Spike and Mike’s Twisted Animation, as well as a number of bootleg video booths that are probably on one of the FBI’s shit lists.

9.) You meet interesting people like the guys from the local metal band Skeletor who dress up like Skeletor and swordfight on stage.

10.) The overall experience is just so unique. Everything from watching dorks buying porn (cartoon or real), to watching that weird guy dressed up as Optimus Prime as he struggles to transform makes for a weird experience. It’s a sociologist’s dream come true.

While it appears the reasons to go outnumber the reasons not to go, I’m still not fucking going. It just isn’t worth it any more. I’m not into the shit like I used to be. I’d have more fun staying home reading a book than I would at the Comic Con. I suppose unlike some of the elderly folks in attendance still dressed up like storm troopers, superman, or some random anime character, I’ve outgrown the shit. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go ruin a Magic: the Gathering game for some nerds.