Monday, May 28, 2007

The Hallmark Discount Bin

Click to see inside of card

Click to see inside of card

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Stupid Bumper Stickers

The only thing worse than a bad driver is a bad driver with an annoying bumper sticker. I always appreciate it when some minivan-driving, Jamba-Juice sucking soccer mom cuts me off and then teaches me a life lesson with her carefully selected bumper stickers; or when some douchebag balls-deep in a mid-life crisis driving a shiny new Jaguar lets me know how cool he is with his “I’d rather be golfing” sticker. Truly, nothing shows off an anonymous driver’s unabashed stupidity like a message on the back of his/her car.

It seems like everyone driving around these days has some trite shibboleth or earth-shattering dictum to share with everyone else on the road. Well, I’m sick of it. Here are a few that I find especially irritating.

So what? Everyone’s an honor student these days. If only the best students were given the title, all the paste-eating simpletons with the brain activity of a tree stump would feel bad and someone would get sued for discrimination. And I don’t even want to think about all the teachers, mostly female teachers these days, having sex with their students; however, parents should be concerned when Jr. comes home from grade school with a “My child is the best lay in class” bumper sticker.

Putting aside the nauseating politically correct reality for a moment, we can assume that honor students truly are sparkling gems of scholastic achievement. In this hypothetical situation, the “My beagle is smarter than your honor student” becomes, as scientists say, complete bullshit. Allow me to illustrate my point with a simple dialog.

Parent: “Smart dog, huh?”
Dog Owner: “Yes.”
Parent: “Can your beagle read?”
Dog Owner: “Well, no….”
Parent: “Fuck you, then.”

Honestly, I suspect people with this bumper sticker are just compensating for their inability to have children to be proud of with feigned enthusiasm aimed at their pets. They’re either
A. Physically incapable of producing human offspring
B. Too stupid/unattractive/annoying to trick someone into breeding with them C. Living an “alternative” lifestyle of which children are rarely a product
D. Puppy fuckers.
Either way, it’s a retarded thing to slap on the back of a car.

Researchers in a fancy laboratory somewhere have just released some interesting information about people who put 9/11 conspiracy bumper stickers on their cars. The following comes from a recent press release submitted to the associated press:

Our research, conducted in a totally awesome lab with all kinds of cool vials, beakers, and a really large computer with flashing red and yellow lights, shows that people with 9/11 conspiracy bumper stickers on their cars are, 95% of the time, anal babies. Anal baby is the scientific term for what laypeople know as ass children; i.e., humans incubated in and birthed from the ass as opposed to the womb. While we scientists aren’t certain how anal babies are conceived—Dr. Jim from the lab has a pretty neat theory involving bottle rockets, a Sir Mix-a-lot CD, a drug-addicted goat, and an electric fence—we do know that they all have unusually low IQs; bad breath; an inability to face even the most obvious of realities; an unhealthy, and often sexually compulsive, interest in all things ass-related; and a penchant for protesting in large numbers with comically idiotic and often misspelled signs.

However below average in every way these anal babies are, they generally only pose a threat to themselves. As for the other 5% of people with 9/11 conspiracy theory bumper stickers on their vehicles, well, they’re just fucking stupid.

Translation 1: “My stepfather bought me this expensive car so I wouldn’t tell my mother he’s been nailing me since I was fifteen.”
Translation 2: “I’m a spoiled, empty-headed, ditz, and I get whatever I want from my father. This will lead to selfish and immature behavior that only gets worse as I get older. I’ll pick boyfriends based on how much money they make, how much crap they buy me, and I’ll whine like an eight-year-old whenever I don’t get my way. I’ll probably end up destroying the lives of several decent men until one of them gets fed up with my nonsense and kills me with a shovel.”
Translation 3: “Pay attention to me.”

I’ve always hated this “daddy’s little princes” sentiment. Great, your father doesn’t hate you. Mothers often love their sons, too, yet the “Mommy’s little tit-nibbler” stickers are somehow less popular.

Thanks, sucker. Now, when I follow you home I’ll know how many people I have to murder in their sleep to rob your house in peace.

I expressed my hatred for this kind of sticker several years ago in a never-published letter to the editor. Here’s a snippet:

I saw this dumb bitch the other day who had all sorts of lame Wiccan bumper stickers all over her car. The stickers said stupid shit like, "Blessed be" and "Not all witches are bitches." This pissed me off. I hate bad bumper stickers and I hate Wicca, so you can imagine how angry this made me. So, in a fit of rage, I forced her car off the road and burned her at the stake. Staring at the dancing flames made me realize that the practice of burning witches at the stake was kick-ass and should be brought back as a common practice. Some people don't like the idea of burning witches at the stake, which leads me to believe that these people are witches too and should be burned at the stake immediately.

The whole thing (Wicca) is stupid. Cast all the spells you want, Sabrina, but my foot kicking your ass is the only result you can expect. And every time I see some stupid novelty Wiccan bumper sticker, I'm going to litter to fuck with Mother Earth, and I'm going to make several sexist comments just to piss off all the goddesses out there.

Why you’d want to tell the world you’re a superfan of computers so inferior they’re practically oversized Tamagotchi is beyond me. Hey, easy mark, try not to choke on your over-inflated sense of cool when you hop on the trend wagon.
Got an original thought in your head? Nope. I’d rather not be stuck in traffic learning what your hobbies are, Tiger Woods.

…at cooking and cleaning.

Come on, what did you expect me to say about a sticker so desperate to be taken seriously?

HIV Positive.

I believe in two-legged fish with DARWIN written on them.

Mentioning every bumper sticker that pisses me off is like trying to calculate infinity on an abacus. I’d try to mention a few more, but I think the pink mafia is here in regards to that HIV joke I just made. At least my cement shoes will look fabulous.