Guy 1: Check it
out, man. My ex-girlfriend sent me a Valentine’s Day gift.
Guy 2: The card very clearly says, “So
sorry for getting this Christmas gift to you so late.”
Guy 1: She’s just being coy about it.
Guy 2: I mean, I guess she’d at least
have to be discreet. You know, because of her husband.
Guy 1: My dear sir, you labor under
the misguided assumption that I am in any way opposed to being her side piece.
Guy 2: I lament both your delusion
and your low self-esteem.
Guy 1: Your obvious jealousy is
unbecoming.
Guy 2: You haven’t even seen her in
person for years.
Guy 1: But our correspondences have
been wonderful.
Guy 2: She emailed you about a tax
form pertaining to the house that you bought together, like, five months before
she left you for the coworker who is now her husband.
Guy 1: Pretense. She missed me and
wanted to talk.
Guy 2: I can’t even begin to express
how much I hope you don’t actually believe that.
Guy 1: You know, Valentine’s Day
used to be our anniversary. I should probably send her a gift.
Guy 2: No, dude. No. No, no, no.
Guy 1: Are we still having
supply-chain issues? I think Amazon can get jewelry to her on time.
Guy 2: I will lock you in the garage,
you sad fuck.
Guy 1: You might have a point. She
can’t wear jewelry from me in front of her husband. If we’re going to keep this
affair quiet, I’ll have to be a bit sneakier. I could make her a mix tape or,
better yet, write her a song. I’ve been working on a little something in D
minor lately.
Guy 2: Killing yourself is the more
honorable, dignified option here. Like, just go in the garage and quietly take
your own life in a way that won’t inconvenience anyone else or contribute to
gun-death statistics that could see use in efforts to eliminate the Second
Amendment.
Guy 1: Wow. That’s really harsh.
Guy 2: Yeah, it is. But it has to
be. You have to stop this shit. She left you and married someone else. She’s
never coming back. On the exceedingly rare occasions when she interacts with
you at all, she’s only doing so out of politeness or necessity or fear that people
will put some of the blame on her if you do something fucked up.
Guy 1: Look, man, if she left me out
of the blue like that, she could do the same thing to her husband.
Guy 2: Even if she did leave her
husband, she would never, ever come back to you. You are nothing to her but a
social obligation of diminishing importance. If you can’t see that even now, you’d
be better off hanging yourself in the garage to prevent filling the world with
all this pathetic bullshit.
Guy 1: What is it with you and the
garage?
Guy 2: I like it in there. That’s
where the gym is.
Guy 1: Rationally, I know what you’re
saying is true. I just can’t seem to let her go.
Guy 2: Too bad. You have no choice
in the matter. Move on or kill yourself. I’m tired of this shit.
Guy 1: Isn’t this the point at which
you tell me I’ll find someone better and be happier with her?
Guy 2: Fuck no. That’s probably not
true.
Guy 1: Oh.
Guy 2: And I don’t condone all that “get
over your ex by finding someone new” bullshit. People aren’t nicotine gum.
Guy 1: That’s a very Kantian
perspective.
Guy 2: Besides, I don’t think you
want to find someone else.
Guy 1: You have a good point. I’m
not lonely. I just miss her.
Guy 2: Well, she doesn’t miss you.
Not even a little bit. Keep that in mind.
Guy 1: Yet another hard truth I’m
going to have to face, I guess.
Guy 2: If you opt not to kill
yourself.
Guy 1: In the garage, right?
Guy 2: Right.
Guy 1: I think I’ll just keep using
the garage to work out.
Guy 2: Good. Lifting heavy things is
good.
Guy 1: This was a productive talk,
man. I appreciate it.
Guy 2: Sure, but I’m not real. You’ve
been talking to yourself this whole time.
Guy 1: So I have been.
Guy 2: If you’re not ready yet to
have a similarly tough talk about your mental health, you can just blame this worrisome
schizophrenic behavior on all the echoes that happen in this big empty house that
your ex left you alone in.
Guy 1: That was just mean.
Guy 2: I was trying to psych you up
for a deadlift-PR attempt.
Guy 1: It’s not deadlift day.
Guy 2: It clearly needs to be.
Guy 1: Clearly. Happy Valentine’s
Day!
