Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Don’t You Want a Fat Lip?

Until recently, if someone were to ask me if I wanted a Fanta, I would have been mildly confused, and possibly curious enough to ask the question, “What the fuck is a Fanta anyway?” Now that I’ve seen Fanta’s terrible TV spots, if anyone asks me if I want a Fanta I’m going to respond by punching them in the mouth.

That is how mind-numbingly bad the Fanta commercials are. The commercials are so obnoxious that they literally force me to commit violent acts. Granted, it doesn’t take much to convince me to act violently, but these ads are so abhorrent if I don’t kick someone’s ass I throw up.

I went to an advertising college for four years and saw more half-assed, last-minute, bullshit, student campaigns presented by brainless, drooling peons than anyone should ever have to, yet with the exception of a few infinitely horrible student projects, the Fanta ads are worse.

Whatever ad firm is responsible for this crap should be ashamed. Some might say, “Well, the ad agency was just creating a campaign based on the drink’s target market.” Well, maybe, but people these commercials would appeal to don’t have access to television sets because they’re either locked up in padded rooms or so brain damaged they can’t open their eyes.

I can’t even imagine what the creative meeting where this awful concept was born could have been like.

Ad Guy 1: Let’s see…it’s a Mexican fruit drink…What words would you associate with a Mexican fruit drink?

Ad Guy 2: For some reason I’m getting the word lava…no, wait, is it lava when it’s molten rock underground?

Ad Guy 1: Um, no technically while underground it’s called magma. It becomes lava after it reaches the surface.

Ad Guy 2: Damn, I always get the two mixed up.

Ad Guy 3: That’s ok. I have the same problem with stalactite and stalagmite.

Ad Guy 2: How funny.

Ad Guy 1: Lava…magma…Hmmmmm…what about mushrooms. For some reason I’m getting mushrooms.

Ad guy 3: Well, I’m not getting any words, but what if the slogan was something like, In Mexico, don’t drink the water, drink Fanta!

Ad Guy 2: You’re getting too far ahead there guy, but write that down anyway.

Ad Guy 1: Crap! This is hard.

Ad Guy 3: Yeah! Can we just go to lunch.

Ad Guy 2: What about the deadline?

Ad Guy 1: You know what, fuck it. I’ll get Jim down in the music department to write a really annoying, repetitive jingle, and then we’ll just play it over footage of some hot Mexican broads dancing around…maybe throw in a jet ski or something.

Ad Guy 2: That’s why you’re the boss…Anyway, I’m in the mood for Thai food. What about you guys?

Ad Guy 3: I’d rather get Sushi.

Ad Guy 1: I’m just going to my car to drink lighter fluid and Pepto Bismol until lunch is over.

Regardless of how they came to be, these commercials are advertising at its worst. Never ceasing to be obnoxious, the ads are so radioactively colorful you get tumors in your retinas from prolonged exposure. The “Don’t you want a Fanta” jingle is excruciating. The sound of Roseanne on helium having violent sex with Megan Mullally in a flock of geese would sound less revolting.

I could just change the channel, but that doesn’t do anything to vent my righteous fury. Violence is the only solution to the problem, and I’m fine with that.


drunkbh said...

You suck! The Fanta girls are not hot. Is that rude enough for you? LMAO! Also, I would probably get a kick out of seeing Roseanne on helium. I could do without the having sex. That's a visual I don't need burned into my mind.

Go ahead and kick some ass!

K said...

I fucking hate Fanta too! What pisses me off even more than seeing there TV spots you can also see them in Theatres while waiting for your movie! FUCK they took over my movies what else my mind too!!!!! FUCK FANTA

morbid misanthrope said...

Just another reason not to go to the movies. Last time I went, some eight year old bitch spilled her fucking slurpee on my leg. Knowing my luck, and that stupid bitch godess that is irony, it was probably a Fanta slurpee.

neko said...

stalactites -- like tits -- those things that hang.


morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- You know, if my science teacher would have taught us the difference like that, I might not have had to tattoo the difference between the two rock formations on my forearm to pass the final exam. Then again, I probably would have been drawing Spongebob Squarepants in my notebook and missed the lecture anyway.