Superpowers I Wish I Had

Everyone wishes they had superpowers at one time or another. I remember a number of times being stuck in traffic wishing I had the power of flight. That way I could just fly to school instead of having to sit behind some gangsta (or is it spelled gangstah? I can never keep up with this shit) in a diamond encrusted SUV with spinning rims blasting 50 cent. It seems like every time I wished I could fly I would see David Copperfield on TV magically flying around like Peter Pan with a bad haircut and a sissy man-blouse. That made me want to kick his ass.

Anyway, having some kind of superpower would be great. Some people say if they were blessed with a super-human power they’d use it for the good of all mankind. Bullshit. Most people would use their powers to take revenge on the bullies that gave them wedgies in high-school. I’m not that vindictive though, and I was never picked on in high-school, so I’d use any special abilities I was given much more productively. It’s not that I don’t love revenge, but so far, I’ve never needed special powers to destroy my enemies (I hope you enjoyed the severed goat heads in your cars assholes).

Here’s a list of special powers I would love to have. There’s pretty much no chance I’ll ever have any of these powers, but if I ever get them you’ll probably see me on the news attacking Canada.

Telekinetic Cardiac Exploder: It would be so cool to be able to make someone’s heart explode like a Chihuahua in a microwave just by thinking it. The next time someone shitty like Brittney Spears was on TV bitching about how hard her life is, I’d maker her heart blow up. People all over the world would wonder what happened to her. “She was so healthy. How can this be?” And I’d be sitting on the couch laughing hysterically the whole time. I know I said I wouldn’t use my powers for the good of all mankind, but killing Brittney Spears is the one exception.

Super Strength: It would be nice to actually knock people’s heads off when I punch them. Knocking their teeth out just isn’t as fulfilling as it used to be.

Control Over Animals: How sweet would it be if all kinds of animals attacked an anti-fur protest. Throwing paint on a live Grizzly Bear wouldn’t save even the most ardent animal rights activist. Up yours with rusty nails PETA.

Instant Alcohol: If I could make whiskey appear magically out of thin air, I could die happily (and probably within a few days). Even the cheapest bottle of rot gut costs like ten bucks. What? Am I made out of money?

Violin Virtuoso: Playing violin is fucking hard. I figured since I’ve been playing bass and guitar for over ten years violin would be somewhat easy to learn. Damn, was I ever wrong. When I play “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” on my violin, it sounds like I’m skinning a cat with a potato peeler. It would just be cool to be able to play violin like Paganini for a change.

Laser Eyes: Why would it be sweet to shoot lasers out of my eyes? Because with my hands free, I could fire guns at the same time.

Flight/Levitation: Driving is a pain in the ass, and I’d rather fly. Plus, how many “If I can fly around the bar I get free drinks for the rest of the night” bets do you think I’d win. Tons. That’s how many.

Invincibility: I’ll just say this, getting shanked would be a lot less of a bummer.

I know there are a lot of other appealing powers to be had, but I don’t really need them. Some guys might want to be invisible, but I’m not a pervert. I don’t need to sneak around in women’s bathrooms for a cheap thrill. Time traveling powers might be ok, but I don’t need to go to the future to write a preachy dystopia, and I have a pretty good idea of how I’ll die already. Besides, if I were invincible and could play violin I would be more than happy.