Friday, August 05, 2005

Superpowers I Wish I Had

Everyone wishes they had superpowers at one time or another. I remember a number of times being stuck in traffic wishing I had the power of flight. That way I could just fly to school instead of having to sit behind some gangsta (or is it spelled gangstah? I can never keep up with this shit) in a diamond encrusted SUV with spinning rims blasting 50 cent. It seems like every time I wished I could fly I would see David Copperfield on TV magically flying around like Peter Pan with a bad haircut and a sissy man-blouse. That made me want to kick his ass.

Anyway, having some kind of superpower would be great. Some people say if they were blessed with a super-human power they’d use it for the good of all mankind. Bullshit. Most people would use their powers to take revenge on the bullies that gave them wedgies in high-school. I’m not that vindictive though, and I was never picked on in high-school, so I’d use any special abilities I was given much more productively. It’s not that I don’t love revenge, but so far, I’ve never needed special powers to destroy my enemies (I hope you enjoyed the severed goat heads in your cars assholes).

Here’s a list of special powers I would love to have. There’s pretty much no chance I’ll ever have any of these powers, but if I ever get them you’ll probably see me on the news attacking Canada.

Telekinetic Cardiac Exploder: It would be so cool to be able to make someone’s heart explode like a Chihuahua in a microwave just by thinking it. The next time someone shitty like Brittney Spears was on TV bitching about how hard her life is, I’d maker her heart blow up. People all over the world would wonder what happened to her. “She was so healthy. How can this be?” And I’d be sitting on the couch laughing hysterically the whole time. I know I said I wouldn’t use my powers for the good of all mankind, but killing Brittney Spears is the one exception.

Super Strength: It would be nice to actually knock people’s heads off when I punch them. Knocking their teeth out just isn’t as fulfilling as it used to be.

Control Over Animals: How sweet would it be if all kinds of animals attacked an anti-fur protest. Throwing paint on a live Grizzly Bear wouldn’t save even the most ardent animal rights activist. Up yours with rusty nails PETA.

Instant Alcohol: If I could make whiskey appear magically out of thin air, I could die happily (and probably within a few days). Even the cheapest bottle of rot gut costs like ten bucks. What? Am I made out of money?

Violin Virtuoso: Playing violin is fucking hard. I figured since I’ve been playing bass and guitar for over ten years violin would be somewhat easy to learn. Damn, was I ever wrong. When I play “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” on my violin, it sounds like I’m skinning a cat with a potato peeler. It would just be cool to be able to play violin like Paganini for a change.

Laser Eyes: Why would it be sweet to shoot lasers out of my eyes? Because with my hands free, I could fire guns at the same time.

Flight/Levitation: Driving is a pain in the ass, and I’d rather fly. Plus, how many “If I can fly around the bar I get free drinks for the rest of the night” bets do you think I’d win. Tons. That’s how many.

Invincibility: I’ll just say this, getting shanked would be a lot less of a bummer.

I know there are a lot of other appealing powers to be had, but I don’t really need them. Some guys might want to be invisible, but I’m not a pervert. I don’t need to sneak around in women’s bathrooms for a cheap thrill. Time traveling powers might be ok, but I don’t need to go to the future to write a preachy dystopia, and I have a pretty good idea of how I’ll die already. Besides, if I were invincible and could play violin I would be more than happy.


drunkbh said...

I would want mind control. That way I could have eveyone else do the dirty work for me and I could never be blamed. Also, if I wanted something, I could make someone give it to me.

morbid misanthrope said...

Mind control is cool. To be honest, since you're a woman you already have some mind control over men. I once saw a guy punch himself in the nuts because a woman thought it would be funny. You may not have complete mind control powers, but as a woman you can make men do stupid shit. That's something right?

drunkbh said...

Being female does have certain advantages. However, if I had full mind control over someone just because I was female then that would mean that they are a pussy. I want to have full control over everyone.

morbid misanthrope said...

I agree. If a woman can control a man just because she's a woman, that guy is a pussy. We've lost a lot of good dudes to broads. Good lord I'm drunk...Anyway, mind control over everyone would be pretty sweet. Especially if you could melt people's brains.

g_samsa said...

Hmmmm. this is a tough one. there are so many cool super powers to be had. All the ones listed are prety good but just to be original I'll say Morphing with a side of invulnerability. I would love to morph into a bird or big cat or something but would hate to run into a jet turbine while in flight so the invulnerability would be nice. Might also be nice to turn into a disease and infect people who did you wrong.

morbid misanthrope said...

g_samsa - I never even thought of becoming a disease to infect someone. Good thinking. I know a lot of people who deserve herpes.

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