Sunday, October 30, 2005

Halloween: Bah! Humbug!

A lot of people think I ought to love Halloween. Someone will come up to me and say “Hey there, guy. You’re morbid, you listen to devil music, your shirt is black; you must love Halloween.” Then, he’ll stand there all dopey-eyed and grinning, like he’s waiting for me to sing a fucking song about how much I love Halloween.

Of course, being the prick I am, I can’t just be polite; I have to rant feverishly about how stupid I think Halloween is. Then, the poor bastard gets this look on his face like I just killed his dog.

The fact is, I fucking hate Halloween. It’s a dumb holiday; shit, I don’t even know why it’s a holiday at all. “Oh wow, it’s October 31st, let’s dress in really stupid costumes and prance around like retards.” No thanks, I’d rather cut out my uvula with a Swiss Army Knife. And what the fuck is the deal with guys dressing up like women? I swear, every Halloween, I see at least one frat-guy dressed in drag. Congratulations, butthole. One day out of the year you’re free to act like the homo you are without people calling you a fruit.

“Dude, you’re just being a party-pooper! Lame!” What adult uses the term party-pooper? Rabid fans of Halloween apparently; I’ve been accused of being a party-pooper by adults ever since I was a little misanthrope.

Every Halloween I sit at home while ratty children ring my doorbell every five minutes expecting me to give them candy just because they put on costumes and came to my door. You want some candy? Go clean the oil stain off of my driveway and I’ll give you some money and you can go buy some candy like everyone else.

That’s another thing. After Halloween, gigantic bags of candy go on sale. Instead of pestering me, why don’t you dumb kids just wait a few days and go buy some discount candy. You can get a seventeen pound bag of candy corn for three cents the day after Halloween. I’d rather hide in the bushes all night spraying trick-or-treaters with a garden hose than give away any candy. In fact, that’s probably what I’ll end up doing.

Then you have modern day druids and witches that like to get together in fields dressed in stupid robes and sing crappy songs about Mother Nature on Halloween. What a bunch of dorks. I wish they’d all get mauled by bears or something.

Back in college, the faculty encouraged students to dress up on Halloween. Some dickweed even dressed up as the DJ from Slipknot one year. Holy fuck, if you’re going to dress up like one of the guys from Slipknot, why on earth would you dress up as the DJ? He’s like the lamest guy in the band; he’s not even a real musician. I never dressed up yet every year I was asked the obligatory “Dude, what are you dressed as?” I’m not dressed as anything you silly bastard! Don’t you have a class to flunk out of? Leave me alone.

I’ve always hated Halloween. I’ve never trick-or-treated, I’ve never dressed up, and I’ve never carved a pumpkin. Halloween: Bah! Humbug!

18 comments:

drunkbh said...

Halloween is actually a Celtic holiday. They believed that on that day the barrier between the world of the natural and the supernatural would be weak and the spirits would be able to roam the Earth. Later, they started dressing as ghosts to fool the real ghosts into thinking them one of their own.

If it makes you feel any better, they used to perform human sacrifices as a ritual.

J Holden said...

nice history lesson, drunkbh!!

i've always loved Halloween, for no other reason than the fact that i like scary stories, movies, houses, etc.

badgerbob said...

Wow bh, i'm impresssed!
Morb, that is a great rant, and has inspired me to write a post about the badger community halloween.

morbid misanthrope said...

drunkbh - I know all about the history of Halloween or Samhain (pronounced "sow-in"); in fact, they're showing a special about it on the History Channel right now.

And while I can appreciate a good human sacrifice as much as the next guy, I still hate Halloween. Besides, the last time anyone sacrificed anything for Halloween around here, there was a pile of dead and gutted fish at the park that made the neighborhood smell like an old hooker's dirty underwear.

j holden - OK, you got me. The one thing I like about Halloween is the effect it has on TV. For the last week, I've watched nothing but specials about hauntings, old horror movies, and UFO and cryptozoology specials. Although, "Most Haunted" is nothing more than a bunch of sensationalist British loonies running around pissing themselves whenever they hear a completely explainable noise. Plus, they're looking for Jack the Ripper's ghost. No one even knows who he was; I don't know how they think they're going to find his ghost. Shameful...

badgerbob - I was unaware that badgers celebrated Halloween. Do some male badgers think they're clever for dressing as female badgers on Halloween? If so, is it customary to let it slide, or to kick their asses? I have no qualms about kicking a cross-dressing badger's ass, by the way.

Willow said...

Then you have modern day druids and witches that like to get together in fields dressed in stupid robes and sing crappy songs about Mother Nature on Halloween. What a bunch of dorks. I wish they’d all get mauled by bears or something.


Thanks a lot Mr. Rude. I was dancing and singing with the fairies, wearing nothing but my robe, when those fucking bears came crashing through the trees and ruined the mood.

morbid misanthrope said...

willow - That's funny, my mother has been calling me Mr. Rude ever since I learned how to talk. What can I say? Bears must hate witches and druids almost as much as I do.

Note to self: Send fruit basket and thank-you letter to bears that ruined it for all the loonies singing and dancing with fairies.

badgerbob said...

Cross dressing badgers are usually killed and eaten by the other tribesmen.

Willow said...

Actually some of those cross-dressing badgers were at the Mother Earth sing-along; and when the bears came crashing the party, we threw those light-in-the-loafer badgers to the bears as a sacrifice. Which put me right back into a partying mood.

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob - A just practice to be sure, although you might want to check them for AIDS before consuming their corpses.

willow - How could anyone not be in the partying mood after witnessing cross-dressing anything get eaten by pissed off bears?

Hulabelly said...

I like Halloween..It's a good reason to drink some wine and pass out candy to kids in fluffy costumes. Lots of fluffy costumes this year.. hmm.

morbid misanthrope said...

hulabelly - Since I'm a drunk, I don't need a holiday as a reason to drink wine. And since I hate fluffy costumes slightly more than I hate kids, the combination of the two really pisses me off; especially when they’re essentially going door-to-door begging. Fuckin’ Halloween.

Victor said...

Dude halloween this year was fucking awesome! i had a guy scream from his fucking window then threatened me with a bat for scaring the shit out him.

What was i wearing? oh a hockey mask with a shirt, and a pair of jeans. Now picture that in total darkness! and only moonlight to light the white hockey mask! it also helps that im about the same size as jason lol

Hulabelly said...

Not everyone likes fluff. I'm a terrible drunk, I have one drink, and I'm singing, Two and I'm in love with everyone,( or I hate everyone), three and I'm yakking.. siiigh.. Oh for a stronger stomach. Do you sing when you're drunk?

morbid misanthrope said...

viczilla - Your Halloween was certainly more eventful than mine. You just can't go wrong looking like Jason.

Although, I was attacked by an angry fellow with a bat as well. I suppose I deserved it. I was giving trick-or-treaters cigarettes and little bottles of rum.

hulabelly - I don't sing when I'm drunk. When drunk, I tend to kind of just sit there; much like when I'm sober, really.

I only sing when I'm in church. To be honest, I'm usually drunk whilst in church, which explains why instead of singing church songs, I'm usually singing Anal Cunt lyrics. So, to answer your question: yes, sometimes I sing when drunk after all.

Victor said...

LOL i know specially when theres a total power outage LOL it wasnt really a custom just an old hockey mask but it sure got the trick done lol. NOw that i think about im grateful that some drunk redneck didnt put a hollow one in my chest.

morbid misanthrope said...

viczilla - Well, if some drunk redneck had shot you, imagine how sweet your costume would have looked.

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