A lot of people think I ought to love Halloween. Someone will come up to me and say “Hey there, guy. You’re morbid, you listen to devil music, your shirt is black; you must love Halloween.” Then, he’ll stand there all dopey-eyed and grinning, like he’s waiting for me to sing a fucking song about how much I love Halloween.
Of course, being the prick I am, I can’t just be polite; I have to rant feverishly about how stupid I think Halloween is. Then, the poor bastard gets this look on his face like I just killed his dog.
The fact is, I fucking hate Halloween. It’s a dumb holiday; shit, I don’t even know why it’s a holiday at all. “Oh wow, it’s October 31st, let’s dress in really stupid costumes and prance around like retards.” No thanks, I’d rather cut out my uvula with a Swiss Army Knife. And what the fuck is the deal with guys dressing up like women? I swear, every Halloween, I see at least one frat-guy dressed in drag. Congratulations, butthole. One day out of the year you’re free to act like the homo you are without people calling you a fruit.
“Dude, you’re just being a party-pooper! Lame!” What adult uses the term party-pooper? Rabid fans of Halloween apparently; I’ve been accused of being a party-pooper by adults ever since I was a little misanthrope.
Every Halloween I sit at home while ratty children ring my doorbell every five minutes expecting me to give them candy just because they put on costumes and came to my door. You want some candy? Go clean the oil stain off of my driveway and I’ll give you some money and you can go buy some candy like everyone else.
That’s another thing. After Halloween, gigantic bags of candy go on sale. Instead of pestering me, why don’t you dumb kids just wait a few days and go buy some discount candy. You can get a seventeen pound bag of candy corn for three cents the day after Halloween. I’d rather hide in the bushes all night spraying trick-or-treaters with a garden hose than give away any candy. In fact, that’s probably what I’ll end up doing.
Then you have modern day druids and witches that like to get together in fields dressed in stupid robes and sing crappy songs about Mother Nature on Halloween. What a bunch of dorks. I wish they’d all get mauled by bears or something.
Back in college, the faculty encouraged students to dress up on Halloween. Some dickweed even dressed up as the DJ from Slipknot one year. Holy fuck, if you’re going to dress up like one of the guys from Slipknot, why on earth would you dress up as the DJ? He’s like the lamest guy in the band; he’s not even a real musician. I never dressed up yet every year I was asked the obligatory “Dude, what are you dressed as?” I’m not dressed as anything you silly bastard! Don’t you have a class to flunk out of? Leave me alone.
I’ve always hated Halloween. I’ve never trick-or-treated, I’ve never dressed up, and I’ve never carved a pumpkin. Halloween: Bah! Humbug!