Tuesday, October 25, 2005

White People are Planning to Do What?

I have a pretty simple life. I wake up, go to work, come home, and work at home. Generally, I lie awake all night wishing the world would come to an end, get in about 20 minutes of sleep, and do it all over again. I’m a pissed off insomniac that lives one day at a time with nothing to look forward to except getting wasted on the weekend.

Recently, however, it came to my attention I was shirking one of my duties as a white person. I’m supposed to be plotting – with every other white person on earth no less – to kill all the black people. Yeah, it came as a surprise to me as well. I’m 22 and I’ve never gotten the memo.

For nearly 23 years I’ve lived my life without even once plotting to kill any black people. In fact, I’ve even fraternized with black people! Now though, thanks to Kamau Kambon – an activist and bookstore owner who recently addressed a panel on “Hurricane Katrina Media Coverage” – I know what I'm supposed to do. I have to become part of the mass conspiracy among the whites of the world, to secretly enslave then exterminate the blacks of the world.

Sounds pretty fucking ridiculous doesn’t it? Any sane person should think so, but Mr. Kambon believes white people are planning to kill all the black people on earth.

As ridiculous as that sounds, Kamau Kambon said a lot of other equally ridiculous things. For example, he went on to say that white people created an “international plantation” for black people, which makes “every white person on earth a plantation master.” He even went as far as saying blacks are "at war."

He also said white people “have retina scans, they have what they call racial profiling, DNA banks, and they’re monitoring our people to try to prevent the one person from coming up with the one idea. And the one idea is, how are we going to exterminate white people, because that in my estimation is the only conclusion I have come to. We have to exterminate white people off the face of the planet to solve this problem.”

So, according to Mr. Kambon, the problem: whites are planning to exterminate all the blacks. His solution: the blacks better figure out how to exterminate all the whites first.

Either Mr. Kambon has been drinking excessive amounts of chlorinated pool water and eating strange mushrooms in his backyard, or he’s certifiably in-fucking-sane. I mean, how delusional and paranoia-riddled does a brain have to be to make up this shit?

It wouldn’t matter very much if he was just some random wacko, but he used to be a professor of education at St. Augustine’s College in Raleigh, North Carolina! And people wonder why their kids come back from college with all kinds of crazy ideas championed by the lunatic fringe. They’re letting wing-nuts with crazy ideas run the colleges when they shouldn’t even be allowed on the property.

Anyway, in order to ease Mr. Kambon’s seemingly frazzled mind, I am going on record right here to promise I will never kill all the black people in the world. You have my word as a gentleman. I can assure you, I am neither planning, nor part of, any white conspiracy to harm the black populations of the world in any way.

What I suggest you do, Mr. Kambon, is go back to the home, take your meds, mellow down easy, and rethink your conspiracy theories. Try to come up with a more plausible theory; maybe a theory about the gray aliens forcing the species known as Bigfoot to do grunt work in their underground bunkers where bizarre experiments involving hybrid human/alien life forms are performed. More plausible indeed.

The article about Mr. Kambon’s interesting ideas can be found here.

22 comments:

badgerbob said...

Dude, the first couple of paragraphs were hilarious.
Then, came the realization , that as a plantation owner, I forgot to kill my share of blacks today.
You have to admit , that as crazy as it sounds, the conspiracy theory is a movie waiting to happen. I'm thinking denzel or jamie foxx as the lead, and tom sizemore as the villainous plantation owner.

Willow said...

Holy Shit, I am completely and utterly out of the Fucking Loop!

Sure, I'm a bit of a shirker and I've often ignored my duties as a white person; but in my defense, I had no idea that there was a plantation out there with my name on it and black folk living in it, just waiting to die.

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob - It is a movie waiting to happen; another movie I'll never see. Washington or Foxx would be fine choices, but if they hired Chris Rock instead, he could fight to exterminate whitey whilst making stupid jokes about whitey.

Frankly, I'm insulted by the assumption that whites are only out to kill black people. That stereotype is harmful to fair people like myself who don't murder based on race.

Also, I resent the fact that misguided – or more likely, delusional – people out there think I’m plotting to kill them when the thought never even crossed my mind. And I certainly don’t want to be killed by a black fellow that mistakenly thought I was out to kill him first. Mr. Kambon’s way of thinking is just bad news for everyone.

willow - I was pretty surprised to learn I was a "plantation master" too. Especially considering my annual income is more like that of a master janitor than a plantation master.

It's rare for me, but I think people deserve more credit. If we white people were planning to exterminate all the black people in the world, we'd be a little more organized. In the same respect, if the whites really were out to kill all the blacks, there would certainly be more than just a few black people a bit upset about it. Hopefully, many of them would be a lot more credible than Mr. Kambon.

badgerbob said...

morbid, we did plan to include you. We were just waiting for the right moment.

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob - Thank you, but what I'd really like to be included in is a proper wine tasting.

However, I refuse to spit out the wine after tasting it. Spitting just seems rude no matter the setting. Besides, if I ever get the chance to drink wine worth more than two dollars, I'll be damned if I have to give it back.

Willow said...

Well since it's too late to invite you in on the white/black conspiracy, and the wine-tasting spitting experience pisses you off, you should consider attending a Badger Hootenanny.

Badgerbob and his kinfolk, which include many small species of four-legged devious creatures, will be gathering around a fire to dance their fruity dances on their hindlegs.

The Hootenany party, after enjoying good food, alcohol, and the badger dances, pick up some firearms and pick off the badgers one by one.

There will be bloodshed, which forgive me for being forward, you do seem to enjoy.

morbid misanthrope said...

willow - It's always better to be forward than backwards, I always say. Since I do enjoy strong drink and have a penchant for senseless bloodshed, the hootenanny sounds like a blast.

It reminds me of the time I spent in the Deep South. Actually, I just drank a bunch of moonshine and imagined I was in the Deep South, shooting frogs off of logs with my trusty 12 gauge.

Though I do enjoy killing things, I'd probably only pick off the badgers that said they would vote for Hillary Clinton, or the ones that made fun of my Ernest movie collection.

J Holden said...

hey, did you know, too, that the Bush administration BLEW UP the levees in New Orleans in order to flood the black areas of town??

the fine Reverend Farrekahn (sp?) believes this theory with all his heart - and has sent out his drones from the Black Panthers to spread this conspiracy

listening to people like this makes me laugh for a minute - then i realize they're serious, and i just get really sad

morbid misanthrope said...

j holden - Rev Farrakhan also visited aliens on a spaceship. Well, that's what he says anyway.

Anytime someone tells me that Bush blew up the levees, I always ask for proof. They usually reference Rev Farrakhan, which is cute, but hardly proof in any sense of the word.

It's people like Rev Farrakhan, and Mr. Kambon that are severely hurting race-relations in this country. And while what happened in New Orleans is truly a pity, Rev Farrakhan and others of like-mind would do well to remember that people of all colors aided in the rescue efforts, donated money, food, clothing, water, and at the very least their prayers.

drunkbh said...

I assume the fact that most murders are done by the same race as the deceased has eluded Mr Kambon. black/black & white/white

Maybe we should start a conspiracy to kill Mr Kambon. After his schizophrenic outburst, I imagine we wouldn't have a problem getting volunteers.

morbid misanthrope said...

drunkbh - Facts like the ones you presented often elude bat-shit crazy racists bent on exterminating white people from the face of the planet. Go figure.

By the way, I'm glad you're alright. As Charles De Mar said to Lane Meyer in the 1980's movie Better Off Dead, Hang in there little buckaroo.

Unsane said...

Those whites are not such nice-heads. I should Gnow.

Unsane said...

Those whites are not such nice-heads. I should Gnow.

J Holden said...

yea, i heard about his visit with extraterrestrials - very impressive

i've seen his Black Panther drones on FNC a few times, and it's simply amazing how they even allow the words to come out of their mouths that do come out

I caught Mr. Kambon’s statements in passing a few days ago - I live in NC - but couldn't get the whole story

mind boggling

morbid misanthrope said...

unsane - I don't gnow what you mean.

j holden - Mind boggling, indeed. Even worse, while the applause was scant, people were actually applauding what he had to say.

J Holden said...

morbid - i think you're right, that may even be worse than the comments to which they are applauding

Willow said...

Some people will applaud anything. People applauded when O.J. Simpson and again when Michael Jackson walked into the church for Johnnie Cochrane's funeral. Now, Michael Jackson wasn't moon-walking and O.J. wasn't passing a football, so the crowd wasn't applauding their smooth moves. No, the largely assembled black crowd was aplauding the fact that they both beat the "white man's" justice system.

J Holden said...

white people will forever be in debt to black people, won't we?

and they will always think we're trying to supress them

morbid misanthrope said...

There is an excellent collection of essays by Dr. Thomas Sowell called "Black Rednecks and White Liberals." It's essentially a study in cultural and ethnic history. Along with the titular essay, other essays such as "The Real History of Slavery" and "Black Education: Achievements, Myths and Tragedies," deal with issues somewhat pertinent to comments posted here. It's a very interesting read.

NewYorkMoments said...

He just needs a good dose of lithium to take care of his paranoid schizophrenia.

Willow said...

I agree with newyorkmoments. During my paranoid period, both Lithium and wearing my home-made suit of aluminum foil helped to make me the healthy and giddy gal that I am today.

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments - Lithium, or just a good old fashioned kick in the ass.

willow - Paranoid period? I was under the assumption that being paranoid never came to an end.

I have three aluminum foil suits, one burlap wizard uniform, and a fortress of safety made of cardboard which protects me from all the things out to get me.