White People are Planning to Do What?

I have a pretty simple life. I wake up, go to work, come home, and work at home. Generally, I lie awake all night wishing the world would come to an end, get in about 20 minutes of sleep, and do it all over again. I’m a pissed off insomniac that lives one day at a time with nothing to look forward to except getting wasted on the weekend.

Recently, however, it came to my attention I was shirking one of my duties as a white person. I’m supposed to be plotting – with every other white person on earth no less – to kill all the black people. Yeah, it came as a surprise to me as well. I’m 22 and I’ve never gotten the memo.

For nearly 23 years I’ve lived my life without even once plotting to kill any black people. In fact, I’ve even fraternized with black people! Now though, thanks to Kamau Kambon – an activist and bookstore owner who recently addressed a panel on “Hurricane Katrina Media Coverage” – I know what I'm supposed to do. I have to become part of the mass conspiracy among the whites of the world, to secretly enslave then exterminate the blacks of the world.

Sounds pretty fucking ridiculous doesn’t it? Any sane person should think so, but Mr. Kambon believes white people are planning to kill all the black people on earth.

As ridiculous as that sounds, Kamau Kambon said a lot of other equally ridiculous things. For example, he went on to say that white people created an “international plantation” for black people, which makes “every white person on earth a plantation master.” He even went as far as saying blacks are "at war."

He also said white people “have retina scans, they have what they call racial profiling, DNA banks, and they’re monitoring our people to try to prevent the one person from coming up with the one idea. And the one idea is, how are we going to exterminate white people, because that in my estimation is the only conclusion I have come to. We have to exterminate white people off the face of the planet to solve this problem.”

So, according to Mr. Kambon, the problem: whites are planning to exterminate all the blacks. His solution: the blacks better figure out how to exterminate all the whites first.

Either Mr. Kambon has been drinking excessive amounts of chlorinated pool water and eating strange mushrooms in his backyard, or he’s certifiably in-fucking-sane. I mean, how delusional and paranoia-riddled does a brain have to be to make up this shit?

It wouldn’t matter very much if he was just some random wacko, but he used to be a professor of education at St. Augustine’s College in Raleigh, North Carolina! And people wonder why their kids come back from college with all kinds of crazy ideas championed by the lunatic fringe. They’re letting wing-nuts with crazy ideas run the colleges when they shouldn’t even be allowed on the property.

Anyway, in order to ease Mr. Kambon’s seemingly frazzled mind, I am going on record right here to promise I will never kill all the black people in the world. You have my word as a gentleman. I can assure you, I am neither planning, nor part of, any white conspiracy to harm the black populations of the world in any way.

What I suggest you do, Mr. Kambon, is go back to the home, take your meds, mellow down easy, and rethink your conspiracy theories. Try to come up with a more plausible theory; maybe a theory about the gray aliens forcing the species known as Bigfoot to do grunt work in their underground bunkers where bizarre experiments involving hybrid human/alien life forms are performed. More plausible indeed.

The article about Mr. Kambon’s interesting ideas can be found here.