Saturday, March 18, 2006

My Bad

I know, I know. It’s been a long time since I posted anything new. First of all, for anyone wondering, I’m not dead. I didn’t drink myself to death or get beheaded by an angry Muslim. I wasn’t abducted by aliens or thrown in jail for assaulting George Clooney with an Ann Coulter book (I’ll get you one day, Clooney!).

I’ve just been very busy, so as the kids say these days – my bad. Excuse the fuck out of me for working. I’m well aware that many bloggers – most likely the majority of them – also work while actually maintaining their blogs. Big deal! They’re able to work and update their blogs on a regular basis instead of coming home, getting stinking drunk, and pointing a gun at their heads for an hour before finally blacking out. They’re all better than me. So what?

Anyway, since I’ve probably pissed off or at least bored all of my readers, there’s a good chance no one will ever read this; however, I have not given up on blogging. I’m no fucking quitter: My longtime drinking problem has already proven that. When I have the time, I need to write stuff for this blog. Why? Because when I write at work, I’m not allowed to swear or refer to anyone as a butt-stuffing cock goblin. I have to write articles people actually want to read instead of writing scathing rants about whatever’s pissing me off at the time. Needless to say, this censored form of writing isn’t cutting it in the self-expression department.

I will continue to blog, but only when my schedule permits. Blogging will, of course, have to take a back seat to work, any concerts I want to attend, drinking, and playing Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks on the PS2.

Speaking of Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks, I have a few issues with the game. This game – possibly only my copy, I don’t know – has more glitches than a robot made in Tijuana. Some of these glitches were so bad they actually made progressing in the game nigh impossible. If anyone reading this has played the game, let me know if your copy went glitch crazy during the Scorpion boss battle on ko-op mode. Holy shit! The glitches were so infuriating I had to cut my wrists so my blood pressure would go down enough to keep my head from exploding.

And what’s with all the lag? It doesn’t just lag when there’s a metric shit ton of enemies on screen, sometimes the damn thing lags for long periods of time for no real reason, suddenly snapping out of it at random. It’s not a moderate lag either. It’s slower than a retard with head trauma trying to go uphill in a wheelchair.

And another thing, you spend the entire game earning experience points to upgrade your combos only to discover they’re utterly useless against the last two bosses. What the fuck is that about? There needs to be a shove-Shao-Kahn’s-hammer-up-his-ass-sideways combo. Not that it would actually work considering getting close enough to him to initiate it would get you killed faster than a bill to increase border security. It’s a sweet game, but these problems piss me off to the point that it’s bad for my health.

You know what else is pissing me off? G4 – the supposed video game channel. “Here’s an idea: Let’s cancel all of our original, game-related programming and replace it with, oh, I don’t know, hours and hours of Star Trek reruns, The Man Show reruns (good show, wrong channel), and reruns of a show that’s already been cancelled by, like, three or four other networks – Banzai. That’ll get gamers to watch our network!”


Star Trek already runs constantly on every other network, so why not air it all day on the video game channel?”

Because it’s the dumbest, most frivolous thing you could do in this case, dickheads. Don’t get me wrong, The Man Show was a good show, but I don’t need to watch it on G4 – I’ll watch it on DVD. Banzai is an ok show, too, but there is no reason to run it on G4 like it’s a new show. Anyone who gave a damn about it has already seen it – new and in syndication – and the people who’ve never seen it probably won’t watch it now.

With all the good gaming shows like Icons, Filter, Cheat, and Judgment Day cancelled, what are we left with? X-Play and Attack of the Show. Fuckin’ wonderful.

Attack of the Show is good, but I’ve just about had it with X-Play. I don’t need two, smarmy, pretentious assholes spewing puerile political commentary at me when they’re supposed to be reviewing video games. These twats act like just because they know a few “big words” they’re better than everyone else. Hey, Morgan, Adam, are your egos proportionate to the number of unnecessary adjectives you squeeze into your reviews, or do you just masturbate to a thesaurus? Fuck you!

At any rate, I’ll try to post more regularly. No promises, though.