Saturday, March 18, 2006

My Bad

I know, I know. It’s been a long time since I posted anything new. First of all, for anyone wondering, I’m not dead. I didn’t drink myself to death or get beheaded by an angry Muslim. I wasn’t abducted by aliens or thrown in jail for assaulting George Clooney with an Ann Coulter book (I’ll get you one day, Clooney!).

I’ve just been very busy, so as the kids say these days – my bad. Excuse the fuck out of me for working. I’m well aware that many bloggers – most likely the majority of them – also work while actually maintaining their blogs. Big deal! They’re able to work and update their blogs on a regular basis instead of coming home, getting stinking drunk, and pointing a gun at their heads for an hour before finally blacking out. They’re all better than me. So what?

Anyway, since I’ve probably pissed off or at least bored all of my readers, there’s a good chance no one will ever read this; however, I have not given up on blogging. I’m no fucking quitter: My longtime drinking problem has already proven that. When I have the time, I need to write stuff for this blog. Why? Because when I write at work, I’m not allowed to swear or refer to anyone as a butt-stuffing cock goblin. I have to write articles people actually want to read instead of writing scathing rants about whatever’s pissing me off at the time. Needless to say, this censored form of writing isn’t cutting it in the self-expression department.

I will continue to blog, but only when my schedule permits. Blogging will, of course, have to take a back seat to work, any concerts I want to attend, drinking, and playing Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks on the PS2.

Speaking of Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks, I have a few issues with the game. This game – possibly only my copy, I don’t know – has more glitches than a robot made in Tijuana. Some of these glitches were so bad they actually made progressing in the game nigh impossible. If anyone reading this has played the game, let me know if your copy went glitch crazy during the Scorpion boss battle on ko-op mode. Holy shit! The glitches were so infuriating I had to cut my wrists so my blood pressure would go down enough to keep my head from exploding.

And what’s with all the lag? It doesn’t just lag when there’s a metric shit ton of enemies on screen, sometimes the damn thing lags for long periods of time for no real reason, suddenly snapping out of it at random. It’s not a moderate lag either. It’s slower than a retard with head trauma trying to go uphill in a wheelchair.

And another thing, you spend the entire game earning experience points to upgrade your combos only to discover they’re utterly useless against the last two bosses. What the fuck is that about? There needs to be a shove-Shao-Kahn’s-hammer-up-his-ass-sideways combo. Not that it would actually work considering getting close enough to him to initiate it would get you killed faster than a bill to increase border security. It’s a sweet game, but these problems piss me off to the point that it’s bad for my health.

You know what else is pissing me off? G4 – the supposed video game channel. “Here’s an idea: Let’s cancel all of our original, game-related programming and replace it with, oh, I don’t know, hours and hours of Star Trek reruns, The Man Show reruns (good show, wrong channel), and reruns of a show that’s already been cancelled by, like, three or four other networks – Banzai. That’ll get gamers to watch our network!”


Star Trek already runs constantly on every other network, so why not air it all day on the video game channel?”

Because it’s the dumbest, most frivolous thing you could do in this case, dickheads. Don’t get me wrong, The Man Show was a good show, but I don’t need to watch it on G4 – I’ll watch it on DVD. Banzai is an ok show, too, but there is no reason to run it on G4 like it’s a new show. Anyone who gave a damn about it has already seen it – new and in syndication – and the people who’ve never seen it probably won’t watch it now.

With all the good gaming shows like Icons, Filter, Cheat, and Judgment Day cancelled, what are we left with? X-Play and Attack of the Show. Fuckin’ wonderful.

Attack of the Show is good, but I’ve just about had it with X-Play. I don’t need two, smarmy, pretentious assholes spewing puerile political commentary at me when they’re supposed to be reviewing video games. These twats act like just because they know a few “big words” they’re better than everyone else. Hey, Morgan, Adam, are your egos proportionate to the number of unnecessary adjectives you squeeze into your reviews, or do you just masturbate to a thesaurus? Fuck you!

At any rate, I’ll try to post more regularly. No promises, though.


Willow said...

Morb there's no doubt that you've honed your technique of angry ranting, cursing, and rude imagary into a fine art. *clapping like a wierdo*

In the interests of gamers everywhere, I've brought your fine rant about the glitches and lags in your copy of Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks to the Shaolin Monastery just down the street.

Their gay representative gave this angry response: "He's in for an ass kicking." They feel that it's your technique and not the game that's the problem and they're thinking about paying you a visit and shoving the game up your ass. (They're words, not mine.)

morbid misanthrope said...

Willow, I believe you mean "their words," not "they're words." Sorry, but this whole editor gig is getting to me.

Also, I think it needs to be established that I fear no faggot -- especially a faggot monk. Also, to ignite the flames of furious confrontation, I call whatever deity the gay monks worship a lispy little bitch.

In all seriousness, though, MKSM is a game worth playing. One day I'll be Sub-Zero, good lord, one day I'll be Sub-Zero.

badgerbob said...

Morb, I had not seen any recent posts from either yourself or Willow,(No loss there!), and assumed that you guys had run off together.
Welcome back.

Willow said...

Actually Morb I was reading from the Monk's statment, which means that they're to blame for the faulty spelling. The ignorant bastards.

Badgerbob, if you'd crawl out of the sewer a little more often you'd know that 1. You Stink! and 2. Morb probably stinks just as bad considering the amount of alcohol he consumes.

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob -- I wouldn't run off with anyone: It's bad for the shins, you know? Running I mean. It is a bit of alright to be back, though.

willow -- Well, I hope you inform said monks that they should get an editor to correct their documents.

Also, I don't smell like a badger, I smell quite like a distillery with a hint of Azzaro's "Chrome." I'm just classy like that.

just thinking said...

good to have you back... you been off somewhere with willow ?

Polyman2 said...

He's back and angrier than ever!
Just the way we like him. Hey-
blog when you can dude- don't make it a chore or else you'll hate that also...look at it like a friend you like to chat with when you can, we'll always be here waiting patiently for your abby-normal words of wisdom.
Be cool.

no one said...

YAY! I'm so happy you posted this! I enjoy a good rant that goes from topic to topic!

I can't blog while I'm at work either usually, except I currently live where I work, so I have no choice, hmm? Still I'm glad to see you and I'll join willow in clapping like a weirdo

morbid misanthrope said...

just thinking -- No, I've never met Willow, actually. She's a girl; therefore, would never actually talk to me. I've just been off of the planet.

polyman2 -- 'Preciate that, Polyman. I'm sure I'll post even angrier things in the future. As long as my high blood pressure doesn't kill me first...or the whole alcoholism thing.

Blogging is still fun, but my schedule has just been pretty crazy lately. The 'ol day job combined with my various freelance jobs take up quite a bit of time. It's hard to look at a computer screen for more than fifteen hours a day. I'll be around. Good to hear from you.

wax lion -- This might be the first time I ever did anything to make a woman happy. Well, when I was a kid I got hit by a bus, and my mom thought that was hilarious.

You live where you work? That's rough. I only live where I work around deadlines. I never go from topic to topic. Fuckin' Isaac Hayes left South Park. I'm tired. How's the tumor? Thanks for reading!

badgerbob said...

Wax, it's good to see that someone else recognizes that willow truly is a weirdo.
Morb,funny, how just like the celebrities, you take the harsh stance of denial, on the willow incident.

no one said...

Morbid, you frequently make me happy. My tumor is very happy today, I don't think it hears me when I tell people it's going to be removed. It's kinda becoming a bully though, I can feel it pushing my kidneys.

Badger, when you're right, you're right. I'm a bit of a weirdo myself, so I feel honored to be in Willow company

J Holden said...

"butt-stuffing cock goblin" - dude, funniest thing i've EVER read. thank you.

and the real reason for Mortal Kombat lag???

you're playing it on the wrong machine.....PS2?!?!

come on....XBOX is where it's at - or rather, XBOX 360 nowadays

and i used to watch G4, but really only to catch a glimpse of whats-her-name...Morgan Web?

what an awesome hottie - tall, dark, great body, video game geek - what more can we ask for??

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob -- Anyone as open about alcoholism as I am can hardly be in denial. I've never met Willow. The only tree I've ever spent any real time with is the tree across the street, and I think that's a palm.

wax lion -- Take good care of those kidneys, someone -- not naming any names, here -- might need a new kidney one of these days. I wonder if they'll let you keep the tumor once it's removed. Maybe you could have it bronzed.

j holden -- Thanks. I like profanity, and the whole cock goblin thing was well over due for use somewhere.

Oh, you're an XBOX guy. While I'm a PS2 fan myself, I do regret not being able to play Ninja Gaiden. For the sake of argument: Dude, the PS3 is going to bury the XBOX 360. That's right, I went there.

Morgan Webb is easy on the eyes to be sure, but she's a political fucktard. That ruins it for me. "Duh, Dick Cheney shot an old man in the face with buckshot, he's evil." It was birdshot, dammit! Birdshot!

J Holden said...

i can't believe you went there, morbid.

3 < 360, right??

i guess we will see what happens when the PS3 comes out...i'm just happy America has a player in the game console wars again

i didn't know that about Morgan...that's a shame, cause she was darn near awesome

morbid misanthrope said...

j holden -- 3 < 360, yeah, I guess. But it isn't as if the 360 is the XBOX's 360th incarnation. It is only XBOX 2; therefore, PS3 > XBOX 2. I guess we'll just have to see.

Morgan and the rest of the X-Play cast have become far too political as of late. Like their show a place for them to spew their confused, leftist political views. It just keeps getting worse. Of course, you can always check out Morgan Webb every month in FHM (For Him Magazine). There, she generally only writes about games (and you don't have to put up with Adam Sessler).

no one said...

bronzed and puto n your mantle? I'll send it to you Morbid.

Random Internet Guy said...

" It’s slower than a retard with head trauma trying to go uphill in a wheelchair"

Genius! That one sentence is funnier than anything the New Yorker has ever published.

morbid misanthrope said...

wax lion -- If I didn't live in a box behind a liquor store, and I actually had a mantle, I'd be thrilled.

random internet guy -- Thanks. I find a lot of things the New Yorker publishes to be extremely funny. Unfortunately for the New Yorker, I'm pretty sure none of the content was intended to be funny.

drunkbh said...

You know when I found your blog you weren't even allowing comments on half the posts. And most of the comments that you did get was hateful.

I don't know why I just thought of that.....Along with the flamethrower idea. I still can't get that out of my head.

morbid misanthrope said...

drunkbh -- To be honest, I wasn't allowing comments because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I had another webpage that no one was reading when a friend suggested I sign up with blogspot so someone might actually read what I wrote.

You were my first reader, and I appreciate that. If it weren't for you, no one would ever have read my blog. I must admit, however, I do miss the hatemail.

Anyway, that whole flamethrower idea was funny, but when you just piss blood instead of pure alcohol, it's difficult to light anything on fire.

Polyman2 said...

Hey Morb- Whats happenning?
Just in the neighborhood fiqured I'd stop by. Party on...

Willow said...

Morbid Stupidly said: I must admit, however, I do miss the hatemail.

No problem. Morb, why don’t you stop being such a pussy and spend some more time actually informing yourself before you post crap on your web site? You remind me of the type of little piss ant pussy that got your ass so constantly kicked in high school that you have nothing else to do besides keep hiding yourself behind degrees and titles which give you a false sense of importance. One of the many reasons that I am sending you this response is that I think you reap what you sow.

This hatemail has been thoughtfully stolen from some anonymous blog by Willow for the sole purpose of cheering up Morb.

morbid misanthrope said...

polyman2 -- You know, the usual: stressing over deadlines, drinking myself to sleep every night, and thinking about jumping out of a window. Hope all is well with you. Thanks for stopping by.

willow -- Thanks, willow. That reminds me of the time I badmouthed the Adult Swim abomination "Tom Goes to the Mayor." People were livid because I wrote about how shitty their favorite, homoerotic TV show was. They were almost as pissed off as the Muslims were when I called Allah a pig fucker. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Thanks for the trip down memory lane -- even though my memory lane has been demolished by a tidal wave of cheap alcohol.