Shit, football is stupid all on its own. Then some moron came up with the idea to give football a special day for everyone to revel in all of its pointless, ass-slapping anti-action. Every time something happens on the field, they stop the game. It’s like watching a severe narcoleptic strangling a baby seal. Even the athletes know football is stupid; it’s just something they do when they’re not taking drugs and slapping around their girlfriends. About the only good thing about football is that it confuses foreigners who think football is another word for soccer. So while the rest of the country is whipped into a foamy frenzy during the Superbowl, for the players involved it’s just another work day full of plenty of ball handling and homoerotic poses, tackles, and celebratory jock strap sniffing.
Even though I hate the Superbowl, I must admit it is good for the economy. Every year, multitudes of excited football fans buy big-screen, high-def televisions for the big game. Unfortunately, to pay for these unnecessarily large TVs, superfans usually end up whoring their children to the clergy. “Sorry, son. Best Buy has a shitty return policy, so you’ll be spending some time camping with Father Smith.”
Superbowl Sunday is also the biggest day of the year for pizza delivery and strippers, proving once again that nothing goes better with greasy food than greasy women. Although I imagine it might be hard to watch the game while the gyrating piece of damaged goods tells you about how her stepfather took her virginity when she was 12. Remember, gents, playing connect the dots with the striper’s trail marks costs extra. Speaking of greasy strippers, I’m just thrilled to hear that Paris Hilton has herpes. There is a God after all.
A lot of people like to bet on which team will win the Superbowl. If you’re planning on making some bets, go with a sure thing: the Superbowl sucks and I hate it. And don’t give me any shit about only watching it for the advertisements. I’m in the ad biz and even I don’t give a shit about the commercials. A 30-second spot during the Superbowl costs over 2 million dollars. Do you really think any commercial can live up to that? I love funny monkeys too, but is any monkey truly 2.6 million dollars funny? Not even that one on the internet that pisses in its own mouth. “Oh, but this year Kevin Federline will be in a commercial!” Fuck K-Fed. Unless they’re shooting the son of a bitch full of poisonous cancer I’m not watching.
And until they start executing criminals with wild apes wielding chainsaws during the halftime show, that’s a waste of time too.
This year I’ll be watching something a million times better than the Superbowl: the neighborhood retard chasing his imaginary tail in circles for six hours. Every time he gets dizzy and throws up I toss breadcrumbs at him. That makes him quack like a duck and struggle with his leash until he remembers he has a tail to catch.