Saturday, February 03, 2007

The Superbowl is Stupid

Shit, football is stupid all on its own. Then some moron came up with the idea to give football a special day for everyone to revel in all of its pointless, ass-slapping anti-action. Every time something happens on the field, they stop the game. It’s like watching a severe narcoleptic strangling a baby seal. Even the athletes know football is stupid; it’s just something they do when they’re not taking drugs and slapping around their girlfriends. About the only good thing about football is that it confuses foreigners who think football is another word for soccer. So while the rest of the country is whipped into a foamy frenzy during the Superbowl, for the players involved it’s just another work day full of plenty of ball handling and homoerotic poses, tackles, and celebratory jock strap sniffing.

Even though I hate the Superbowl, I must admit it is good for the economy. Every year, multitudes of excited football fans buy big-screen, high-def televisions for the big game. Unfortunately, to pay for these unnecessarily large TVs, superfans usually end up whoring their children to the clergy. “Sorry, son. Best Buy has a shitty return policy, so you’ll be spending some time camping with Father Smith.”

Superbowl Sunday is also the biggest day of the year for pizza delivery and strippers, proving once again that nothing goes better with greasy food than greasy women. Although I imagine it might be hard to watch the game while the gyrating piece of damaged goods tells you about how her stepfather took her virginity when she was 12. Remember, gents, playing connect the dots with the striper’s trail marks costs extra. Speaking of greasy strippers, I’m just thrilled to hear that Paris Hilton has herpes. There is a God after all.

A lot of people like to bet on which team will win the Superbowl. If you’re planning on making some bets, go with a sure thing: the Superbowl sucks and I hate it. And don’t give me any shit about only watching it for the advertisements. I’m in the ad biz and even I don’t give a shit about the commercials. A 30-second spot during the Superbowl costs over 2 million dollars. Do you really think any commercial can live up to that? I love funny monkeys too, but is any monkey truly 2.6 million dollars funny? Not even that one on the internet that pisses in its own mouth. “Oh, but this year Kevin Federline will be in a commercial!” Fuck K-Fed. Unless they’re shooting the son of a bitch full of poisonous cancer I’m not watching.

And until they start executing criminals with wild apes wielding chainsaws during the halftime show, that’s a waste of time too.

This year I’ll be watching something a million times better than the Superbowl: the neighborhood retard chasing his imaginary tail in circles for six hours. Every time he gets dizzy and throws up I toss breadcrumbs at him. That makes him quack like a duck and struggle with his leash until he remembers he has a tail to catch.

12 comments:

neko said...

american ads are the funniest. i think its coz very little is off-limits [free speech and all that].

here in SA, you cant see ... anything you described there. also, ad companies cant name opposition products in their ads.

american football? thats like rugby, rite? just wayyy gay-er?

morbid misanthrope said...

As risqué as American ads are allowed to be, ads from the UK, Sweden, etc. can make American ads look tame. Thanks for pointing out the free speech thing. I'll use it to the fullest while it lasts.

They could call American football Grabass to avoid confusion in other countries. But South Americans look hilarious when they're confused—especially Brazilians.

Cherry! said...

I saw something on the TV here about how much it costs to put an ad on during the Superbowl. As if you'd pay that sort of fucking money!! These people must be as retarded as your neibourhood retard.

Another option would have been to drink yourself into oblivion before the game. That would have blurred your vision and maybe made it a bit more interesting....

morbid misanthrope said...

cherry! - It sounds like a waste of money, but since most of the country is watching a lot of people see the ads. Following the Superbowl, the media re-shows and discusses the ads for days--more viewers. All of this pays off. It must be worth the money.

I would have liked nothing more than drinking heavily, but due to my recent near-death medical emergency, I'm on the wagon. Besides, even drunk as hell I still wouldn't have watched the Superbowl. The retard caught his tail this year, and was rushed to the imaginary emergency room at the imaginary retard hospital. That's entertainment.

badgerbob said...

I was chuckling as I read your post, but when I got to the neighborhood retard part,I fucking lost it. That was so funny! Fuck the jackass movie. They have nothing on this guy.

neko said...

hmm -- you seem to dislike "grabass". you mean, not ALL american boys play it at some stage of their lives, despite what hollywood would have us (ie, the rest of the world) believe?

would the superbowl marketing strategy change much if the game *were* renamed "Grabass"...?

would there be more men in pink outfits in the crowd..?

who knows.

Spleengrrl said...

I've finally posted a new blog. Luckily for me, advertising my blog on YOUR blog is FREE. I watched Puppy Bowl III, by the way. Now THAT'S pointless television worth watching for three hours straight!

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob -- The funny thing is, if the Jackass guys keep doing what they're doing, they'll all probably end up like the retarded kid in my neighborhood. In fact, some of them are pretty close right now.

neko -- I never played grabass; that shit's for perverts. I hung out by myself and read books until I was old enough to get drunk. That's why I can't remember my seventh birthday.

Don't trust Hollywood. Those Hollywood assholes are so out of touch with Americans they wouldn't know a real American if I kicked them in the teeth.

Well, they do have a lingerie bowl where scantily clad broads play a game of football. I didn't watch that either. The whole men in pink shorts playing grabass thing, well, that happens in San Francisco almost every day. I hate that place too.

spleengrrl -- Actually, advertising on my site isn't free. I now own part of your soul, which goes to the highest-bidding supernatural entity. I've also sold your image to several, lonely, xbox-playing nerds who will probably use it to "prove" they have girlfriends. Yes, you did advertise on my site, but now several Cheetos-loving geeks are walking around with your picture in their wallets. A small price to pay, I'm sure.

neko said...

now, there's a sport worth watching -- kicking people in their teeth.

maybe they could swing it as a reality show -- disgruntled employees taking shots at their bosses...

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- That's a sport I would not only watch, I'd also participate in ... well, continue participating in, I suppose.

NewYorkMoments said...

I like to refer to it as the Stupor Bowl. I don't like football. It's boring. However, I DO like rugby union. Oh yeah! All of those big muscled hot empty headed men brutalizing each other & piling on top of each other. Yum yum yum!!! Better than porn.

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- Michael Savage calls it the Stupor Bowl as well.

I suppose rugby is better, but I don't watch that shit either. Calm down there, champ. You're getting a little excited. Perhaps you should have some iced tea.