Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Best Hair Ever


Jayson: “Yo, guys, how fuckin’ sweet do we look for this photo shoot?”
Tiger: “Yo, dawg, we look totally slammin’. I feel like some kind of sexy cat.”
Randy: “I look hot in purple, yo. For real.”
Jesse: “Jesse loves the soft light glistening off of his highlighted hair.”
Tim: “I think the stylist went a little half-ass with my hair, you guys.”
Randy: “It looks fine, yo. It doesn’t look as good as mine, though.”
Jayson: “Yo, Randy, you know who you look like? You look like Rufio from that Peter Pan movie with Robin Williams.”
Randy: “Snap, Dawg! I totally do. Rufio was hardcore.”
Jesse: “Jesse concurs. Rufio was the man.”
Tiger: “I’m liking these braids. They’re crazy; like my hair got caught in a lawnmower. I’m pimp, yo. Ghetto fabulous all the way.”
Jesse: “If Jesse were a cab driver in New York, Jesse wouldn’t pick you up. Your look is the true epitome of street cred.”
Tim: “Wow, Jesse, that came off a little racist, didn’t it?”
Tiger: “No way, Tim. Your hair may not be as cool as ours, but don’t take that out on Jesse.”
Jesse: “Jesse does not like getting accused of bigotry when Jesse is merely paying one of his bandmates a sincere compliment.”
Tim: “Sorry, Jesse. I didn’t mean anything by it. I guess I’m just a little bummed out that my hair looks….”
Jayson: “Looks like you just rolled out from between two sticky mattresses after a three-day booze-and-pills blackout?”
Tim: “That’s a little harsh. I was just going to say….”
Randy: “That your hair looks like it was sculpted out of tree bark by a one-eyed geriatric with a case of bad medication shakes?”
Tim: “Ouch! I was going to say it looked a little plain, but I didn’t think it looked bad.”
Jesse: “Well, if there’s one thing Jesse knows for sure, it’s that Jesse’s hair is beyond trailer park chic. If Billy Ray Cyrus had his mullet created by homosexual German stylists in Milan, it still wouldn’t compare to Jesse’s current hairdo.”
Randy: “Yeah, it’s like a redneck’s meth lab exploded style all over your head.”
Tim: “I think you’re all going a little far with the compliments now.”
Tiger: “Jealousy is really unbecoming of you, dude. Seriously. If you’re upset that your hair looks like it was styled when you squoze your head out of the urethra of a bull elephant with gonorrhea, you should take it up with the stylist, not attack your bandmates.”
Tim: “Now I’m starting to get pretty upset.”
Jayson: “I’d just like to point out how hot my hair makes me look. I’m, like, ten times hotter than those rebellious punk rock-looking chicks they use in L.A. Looks hair gel magazine ads.”
Jesse: “If you were a woman, Jesse would not hesitate to pleasure you carnally. Jesse is also secure enough in his masculinity to admit the thought crossed his mind, even knowing full well you are a man.”
Randy: “Jayson is looking mad sexy, yo.”
Tiger: “I’m tempted to tap that ass myself, homie.”
Tim: “From the depths of narcissism to the heights of homoeroticism all in one photo shoot. Way to go, guys.”
Jayson: “That sounded a little like homophobia, Tim, and that’s not what this band is about.”
Tiger: “This band is not about blind hatred and intolerance, dawg.”
Jesse: “Word.”
Randy: “Double word.”
Tim: “I don’t need this shit. I’m a musician. I’m out of here.”
Jesse: “Jesse hopes your hairdo is not run over by any careless vehicles, because it is certainly pedestrian.”
Tim: “You’re guys are idiots.”

By the way, I did a guest post of divine significance on Neko’s blog. You can read that here. No pressure, but your souls hang in the balance.

30 comments:

Captain Smack said...

Those chicks are totally hot. Not much going on in the boob department, but I can live without the boobs as long as the face is pretty.

morbid misanthrope said...

captain smack -- I kind of figured you weren't the shallow type.

Prunella Jones said...

Oh my God, like Randy is totally the hottest! With that hair and purple tee shirt I can tell he's the bad boy of the group.

neko said...

so, ... is this some twisted tribute to Hairspray?

domo arigatoo for the linkses!

morbid misanthrope said...

prunella jones -- Are you kidding? Everyone in that band is a bad boy. Randy is the bad boy with a sense of humor, Tiger is the bad boy with street cred, Jayson is the bad boy who prefers loving over fighting, Jesse is the bad boy who speaks in the third person (because he's wise and poetic), and Tim is the bad boy that wears flannel; although, he's probably not in the band anymore.

neko -- It's really more of a tribute to amazing hair everywhere. Apparently, there's even more feathered hair in Japan than at all the emo concerts in the USA combined. Astonishing.

Erica AP said...

Last night I saw a girl drummer with a pony tailed mohawk... I think I'm going to try it. Do you think they would approve? I want Jesse to talk dirty to me about my cool mohawk... What?? Did I say that out loud?

morbid misanthrope said...

erica ap -- Jesse would probably approve of a girl with a pony-tailed mohawk; although, I think he's a little more interested in his own awesome hair. He might talk dirty to you, but he'd be speaking in the third person. Honestly, I'm not quite sure how that would work.

Good for me, I took the high road and didn't make a "me love you long time joke."

NewYorkMoments said...

Tiger??????

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- Yeah, Tiger. The fierce jungle cat whose only natural enemy is the flamboyant seat cover designer with bad taste. You're probably confused because in the photo he's wearing a cheetah-print coat.

Erica AP said...

Ummm... That's why it would be cool... Someone talking in 3rd person while the dirty talk was engaged?? Who wouldn't want that??

morbid misanthrope said...

erica ap -- I suppose it would be a bit more regal than standard dirty-talk fare--in a narcissistic kind of way. He’d probably just say stuff like “Jesse wants you to compliment his sweet, sweet haircut.” Who says romance is foreign to dirty talk?

honkeie2 said...

i wonder if they play that game "Nutt to Butt" or that other one "Balls on Chin" during their backstage antics?

Lucy said...

Hey, nice coming across your blog, Misanthrope. I used to think I was a misanthrope myself and then I discovered standup comedy. Turns out I just needed an outlet.

Nice coming across your blog!

morbid misanthrope said...

honkeie2 -- Jeez, I hope not. Between fixing their hair and looking at their hair in the mirror, I doubt they would have time for any funny business ... not funny haha, funny queer.

lucy -- You can be a standup comic and a misanthrope simultaneously. If you're a misanthropic comic, you just don't thank the audience when your set's over.

neko said...

tim is better off..

he needs a better name anyway. "tim" is like his hair - ordinary.

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- I'd rather be ordinary like Tim than totally gay like Jayson. What a bunch of fruitcups.

Prunella Jones said...

I am very intrigued by Lucy, the misanthropic comic. At first I thought that sounded a bit like an oxymoron, but then I remembered Robin Williams film career. It all makes sense now.

Miss Smack said...

They ALL look the same!

I love the way white people (of all countries) alter their way of speaking to sound like gangstas. It cracks me up. Hilarious!!

morbid misanthrope said...

prunella jones -- Man, how hardcore was Robin Williams in One Hour Photo? That almost makes up for all that What Dreams May Come and Patch Adams sissy crap he did. Almost.

miss smack -- You haven't heard gangsta rap until you've heard Japanese gangsta rap. The Koreans come in a close second in being gangsta, though. I think they may have a slight edge in attitude because of all the Kimchi and puppy eating.

badgerbob said...

Puppy eating? I thought they just ate cats?
This is an outrage!

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob -- It is pretty outrageous; although, to be honest, I'm much less affected by the fact that Koreans also eat live octopi. Those things are icky.

Miss Smack said...

ew ew ew, have you seen those sick movies of pretty Japanese girls standing on a kitten wearing stilettos?

now THEY'RE disgusting

morbid misanthrope said...

miss smack -- Wow. No, I haven't seen those videos or ever heard of them before. The goddamned internet must not be doing its job if I haven't been exposed to that kind of filth. I better send a letter to one of my congressmen.

Diesel said...

I heard that those guys are so badass they have kittens in their PANTS.

morbid misanthrope said...

diesel -- I would have guessed they were wearing frilly skirts or Kirai-Pantsu.

jungle jane said...

Jesus Morbid you are totally freaking me out with all this 'my hair is ghetto' shit.

are you like some kind of Michael Jackson fan now or something?

honkeie2 said...

Michael Jackson has kiddie's in his pants not kitties.

morbid misanthrope said...

jungle jane -- I assure you, my hair is totally not ghetto. There's nothing ghetto about me. And I've hated Michael Jackson ever since he stopped called me when I turned seven.

honkeie2 -- Snap, son! I can't believe you went there, dawg.

I shouldn't be talking like that. Get thee behind me, ghetto Satan!

neko said...

Question of the Day:

Would Michael Jackson be able to make a comeback with his music, if he went gangsta?

*hmmm*

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- Went gangsta? I thought he already was gangsta.