Sunday, January 20, 2008

Answering a Letter

Dear Morb:

I read your blog a lot and have noticed a disturbing trend: You seem to hate Apple computers and all of their other products (iPods, iTunes, etc.). What gives, man? Apple is awesome! Apple computers are, like, hip and stuff—unlike those stuffy PCs and their lame-o grey cases. Dude, Apple computers come in different colors and stuff. Oh yeah, and the mouse only has one button! That’s amazing! Plus I’ve heard that Macs have better graphics or something, and when they break you just throw them away and buy a new one! Damn, that Steve Jobs is a genius. I wish he’s rub his hipster neck stubble on my naked balls. Anyway, PCs are for, like, conformist, unimaginative sheep. Macs are for all of us free-thinking nonconformists. You don’t seem like a conformist, Morb, so you should buy a Mac like the rest of us.

Anyway, with the recent Macworld came another mind-blowing announcement from the super-studly, turtleneck shirt-wearing man himself; and even you have to admit the new MacBook Air is incredible. Dude, it’s sooooooo small. It’s so small it can fit in a manila envelope. A manila envelope, man! That’s amazing! It’s so sexy I’d like to lube it up with my own saliva and cram it into my ass! It’s so sleek it would probably only hurt a little and make me bleed even less!

So, seriously, you’re going to convert and buy the new MacBook Air, right?


Mac Fag # 1!

Dear Mac Fag:

No. No, I’m not going to buy a MacBook Air or any other piece of Apple trash, for that matter. I have Zippo lighters more technologically advanced than the MacBook Air. Call me a conformist, but I think I’ll stick with my custom-built PC that I can upgrade however I want whenever I feel like it.

The MacBook Air is just another inferior piece of computer technology with barely enough power to rival the broken Speak ‘n’ Spell the helmet-wearing retard down the street uses to induce the time-travel concussions he’s so fond of. But none of that really matters to you because the damned thing looks so cool and sexy and Steve Blowjobs is so hip. Why not save yourself a couple thousand bucks and slap an Apple sticker on a smooth river rock and cram that up yourself?

By the way, you know what else fits in a manila envelope? Love letters to Hitler. Just sayin’.




morbidneko said...

i'd rather not cram anything up my ass, thanks.

NewYorkMoments said...

"The MacBook Air is just another inferior piece of computer technology with barely enough power to rival the broken Speak ‘n’ Spell the helmet-wearing retard down the street uses to induce the time-travel concussions he’s so fond of."

This is a fucking classic sentence. Thanks MM! I needed some humor before tromping off to my new fucking job that I think I already hate.

morbid misanthrope said...

morbidneko -- Well, in that case, you're obviously not in Apple's target demographic--what we in the advertising business call "Mac Fags." Good for you.

newyorkmoments -- If you think that's funny, you should hear the one about Heath Ledger's untimely death. The press has been saying it was an accidental overdose or something, but I think it was a particularly nasty case of super cowboy AIDS. Gyllenhaal really ought to have himself tested.

Anonymous said...

If your love letters to Hitler fit in a manilla envelope, you are not much of a good person, in my book. I need a trunk to store mine.

Ms Smack said...

Boob competition (Round 2) has started at Smack Dab.

Anonymous said...

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morbid misanthrope said...

mister underhill -- You'd be better off sending love letters to Steven Seagal and John Stamos; unlike Hitler, they actually answer prayers and send you sanctified sandwiches (or "sammitches," as the holy book of Seagal and Stamos says) on musical waves of non-threatening classic rock/ethnic-tinged blues. Besides, Hitler was an asshole.

ms smack -- Thanks for the information. Let me know when the cage matches start. Four boobs enter the death cage, only two leave. If presidential elections were decided in a death match, it might not be such an utterly bleak and hopeless situation. I mean, all the candidates would still suck, but at least some of them would die in the ring. That's something, right?


LOL@ speak and spell.

morbid misanthrope said...

ubermouth -- You know, if I would have had a Speak 'n' Spell when I was growing up I might have been able to learn how to read.

Prunella Jones said...

Well, I won't be buying that either. All of my money goes to the truly important things in life, like cigs and giant jars of mayonaise from Costco.

morbid misanthrope said...

prunella jones -- I hate going to Costco. It's like trying to go shopping in a Calcutta alley during a Godzilla attack. I live in a very ethnic area, apparently, where the people may not be big on assimilation--or masking body odor--but they love value, goddammit!

Anonymous said...

Calcutta during a Godzilla attack. It's like poetry to my ears.

I just want to know why all the parking spaces at the mexican supermarket are so fucking tiny and there is no room to pass in the aisles.