Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Solving the Pube Enigma

Guy 1: Dude, I think there’s a pube in my chicken strips.
Guy 2: A what?
Guy 1: A fuckin’ pubic hair, dude. I think there’s a pube on my chicken.
Guy 2: Are you sure it isn’t just a chicken hair?
Guy 1: Chickens have feathers, bro.
Guy 2: Yeah, but, like, they have some hair, too.
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: Like, haven’t you ever had a chicken wing with, like, sort of bristly hairs sticking off of it?
Guy 1: No.
Guy 2: Really?
Guy 1: Really.
Guy 2: Well, they do have hairs sometimes, I guess. Usually just a few here and there near the pointy part of the wing.
Guy 1: Fuckin’ weird.
Guy 2: Yeah, totally.
Guy 1: But, dude, this hair is curly and shit.
Guy 2: Let me see … ewww, dude, that’s a fuckin’ pube!
Guy 1: I knew it!
Guy 2: You should take it back to the counter and get another order.
Guy 1: Yeah, right! Then they’d probably spit on the chicken, too, this time.
Guy 2: True. Or put, like, five pubes in there, hidden at the bottom.
Guy 1: Those assholes.
Guy 2: Can you, like, eat around it or something?
Guy 1: I don’t even want to look at it, bro.
Guy 2: This reminds me of that time Ryan found a pube in his French fries.
Guy 1: Well, what did he do?
Guy 2: He stood up in the middle of the restaurant and yelled, “There’s a goddamn pube in my French fries!” and then the manager came out and told him to leave.
Guy 1: Why? It’s not like it was his own pube he put in there or something.
Guy 2: The manager said he was making a scene or something gay like that.
Guy 1: Dude, I think I’m just going to pick the pube off of my chicken.
Guy 2: Fuckin’ gross! You’re going to touch it?
Guy 1: I think I kind of have to.
Guy 2: Sick!
Guy 1: I’ll just, like, use my left hand that I don’t eat with.
Guy 2: What if that pube gets stuck under your fingernail or something?
Guy 1: This is so nasty, dude.
Guy 2: Wait! What are you going to do with it once it’s off your chicken?
Guy 1: Fuckin’ throw it on the floor or something.
Guy 2: What if it lands on your foot, dude? You’re wearing flip-flops, so that pube would probably, like, get on your toes and you’d be walking in someone’s pubes all day.
Guy 1: I didn’t think about that. I should just wipe it under the table like old gum.
Guy 2: Fuck that shit, dude! You’d probably touch some, like, old hooker’s gum or something. Then you’d have pube residue and herpes on your hand.
Guy 1: Goddamnit.
Guy 2: I mean, you could just wipe the pube into a napkin, but then you’d be sitting here eating with a pube napkin sitting next to you. Something about that just seems weird.
Guy 1: This sucks so much, dude.
Guy 2: Can you just blow the pube off the chicken?
Guy 1: I’m not blowing on some strange pube, dude.
Guy 2: It’s probably stuck to the chicken ‘cause of the sauce anyway.
Guy 1: This is getting ridiculous.
Guy 2: We shouldn’t have to deal with this kind of thing when we’re trying to eat lunch, man.
Guy 1: You know what? I’m done. Fuck this. I’m just going to fill up on free soda refills and eat a hot pocket when I get home.
Guy 2: Good thinking, bro. Abusin’ the free refills. We’re not coming back here, though, I’ll tell you that right now.
Guy 1: Well, at least not for a while.
Guy 2: Yeah, we’ll come back when the other cooks are in the kitchen or something—the ones that don’t wipe their helmets on the chicken.
Guy 1: Do you really think the guy wiped his dick on this chicken?
Guy 2: How else would he get a pube in there?
Guy 1: Ugh … Dude, I am drinking—seriously—a gallon of free Dr. Pepper before I leave here today.


Anonymous said...

That was one of the best posts ever. I hate those damn hairy chickens.

morbidneko said...

Problem solving 101.

Well, it's obvious that they all have to die. Painful, prolonged deaths. And, by "they", I refer to whoever wiped their ... erm, parts on the chicken, of course.

i'd suggest torching the place.

You're welcome.

Prunella Jones said...

Sounds like someone got Clarence Thomased. Gross! That sucks, dude. Although, maybe the cook might have had one of those grizzly ZZ Top type beards? Those always remind me of pubes.


*(SQ stands for Snickering Quietly.)

NewYorkMoments said...

I had a hangover several years ago and was eating at the Cosi in the World Financial Center--pre 9/11 before those towel-headed mutherfucking husseins destroyed it--and I looked down before taking a bite of my sandwich and found a pube. Not good when you're hungover...


A stroke of genius , my friend.
But tell us the truth- you licked the pube to guess the gender, didn't you?

morbid misanthrope said...

mister underhill -- The thing I like best about this post is that we can all learn something from it. There are several lessons to be gleaned from this dialog. What I learned is the word "pube" looks just as funny in print as is sounds when said.

morbidneko -- I'm not sure whether our two heroes are using inductive or deductive logic here; even Sherlock Holmes seems to have gotten the two confused. I do know, however, that in recorded history, no one has reported finding a stray pube in a hot pocket.

prunella jones -- Well, if you ask scientists, beard hair is pubes. And, yes, they actually speak with appalling grammar. They think it's funny, and they're too busy running around contaminating the fossil record with facial pubes to care much about how they speak. Proof of this can be found in the semi-recent discovery of the dinosaur scientists have dubbed "Pubiosaurus," a gigantic beast said to have sported colossal mutton chops and chest hair as deep as a dumpster full of carpet scraps. All of this despite the fact that it was, according to scientists, "some kind of big-old, icky lizzard thing." So, again, scientists are not to be trusted.

newyorkmoments --First of all, I like your use of the term "towel-headed mutherfucking husseins"; a phrase that, unfortunately, won't be used as acceptable nomenclature in any history books even though it totally should be.

Secondly, pubes in food are never a good thing. Hungover or not, that is the type of thing that can ruin an otherwise healthy appetite. Although I have never actually found a pube in any of my food, I do feel your pain. I did once find some broken glass shards in a margarita. Those goddamned mariachi bastards were trying to kill me, just as I suspected all along.

Another time, I found in an Arby's sandwich what looked much like that alien/reptile/bug thing they cut open and ate in the movie Stargate. In my opinion, still better than a filthy pube.

ubermouth -- To paraphrase a quote from the Bible, "I am no respecter of pubes," meaning, I don't care which gender the goddamned thing came from. A pube is a pube, and I want nothing to do with them.

I should mention, though, that this didn't happen to me. If it had, I would have done as morbidneko suggested and torched the place. Flames purify, even food contaminated by pubes.

morbidneko said...

i cant help but wonder if maybe somehow... it was a post puberty chicken, and the pube BELONGED to the chicken.

which would mean that it becomes, not an issue of dirty kitchen staff performing lewd acts on food to be served to customers, but rather--undercooked chicken, with their.. erm pubes still attached..

do chickens hit puberty like humans do?

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Willow said...

I gotta say that nobody but nobody can ruin a meal and make me feel like vomiting all day like you Morb.

morbid misanthrope said...

morbidneko -- Chicken puberty is something I have neither the time nor the desire to investigate further. A pube is a pube, and a pube in your food is never a good thing. So, as mentioned earlier, razing the restaurant to the ground is probably the best action to be taken in such a situation.

willow -- I'll take that as a compliment, Willow. To elicit such a strong reaction from a tree can only mean I'm doing something right ... or terribly wrong. Regardless, I'm doing something, and that's, well, something. I take what I can get.

Anyway, how's that soil treating you?

Anonymous said...

Well it's been a long time, but I can see the quality of this blog has remained at somewhat of a peak.

I'd rather have a pube on fried chicken than burger, detection rates and all.

The infamous, BD...