Guy 1: What is it with women?
Guy 2: You mean, like, in general?
Guy 1: No. I mean like how they always refer to a boner as a hard-on when they’re trying to sound all sexy right before they blow you. You know?
Guy 2: No, actually. I’ve never found myself in that situation.
Guy 1: Heh. Fag.
Guy 2: Shut up, asshole. I am not.
Guy 1: Anyway, yeah, it’s like when they’re trying to sound all sexy they call your woody a hard-on, as if that’s somehow the inherently erotic term for your erect penis.
Guy 2: This has happened to you a lot?
Guy 1: Oh yeah, totally. Pretty much, like, every single time. And, of course, in the thousands of pornos I’ve seen.
Guy 2: Maybe all of those pornos were written by the same guy.
Guy 1: That’s a valid hypothesis; however, as I just said, it always happens in real life, too.
Guy 2: Pardon me if I find it difficult to believe you’ve been raking in blowjobs these last few months.
Guy 1: Hey, you don’t know. Alright, pal?
Guy 2: Please, continue. Because, seriously, I have no idea where you’re going with this—never mind what triggered this bizarre conversation.
Guy 1: Well, I was watching the Food Network just now, when I suddenly remembered how much I love it when chicks blow me, yet, at the same time, I was thinking how much I hate women because they’re stupid.
Guy 2: And that triggered your memory of their unusually consistent way of referring to boners just before they put them in their mouths.
Guy 1: Yeah, basically. Come to think of it, maybe I—hell, all men—like BJs so much because it’s the one time women stop saying stupid shit for, like, five seconds without having their jaws wired shut.
Guy 2: From when they fell down all of those stairs and then ran into the door?
Guy 1: Exactly. Anyway, I don’t know what they have against words like boner, but they always seem to use hard-on instead. Or cock. Sometimes they use the word cock, but then they sound all medical. Seriously, what’s wrong with boner?
Guy 1: I don’t know. It’s not a very graceful word. Like, I suppose no matter how breathy a woman says that word it still sounds like she’s referencing a mistake her drunk uncle made at the last family reunion.
Guy 2: So? A boner isn’t supposed to be graceful. It’s just a stupid piece of engorged meat. It doesn’t even do anything. I mean, maybe if it fucked the ladies for you—had some moving parts, a piston, a dimmer switch—then they could church it up a little. It’s like an idiot memo got sent out in sound waves only women can hear.
Guy 1: I suppose such a thoughtless redundancy can really spoil the mood.
Guy 2: Yeah! It’s like, for once, I wish a woman would say something like, “Just lay back while I try to wrap my head around your boner.” Or maybe even, “Hold still while I spread my face on your stiffy.”
Guy 1: That’s all class.
Guy 2: Women are just unimaginative, I guess.
Guy 1: Well, at least they don’t seem to mind blowing you.
Guy 2: Dude, you know what it’s called when you split a chicken open to prepare it for cooking? Spatchcock!
Guy 1: Really?
Guy 2: Hell yeah! How awesome is that shit?
Guy 1: That is pretty funny.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Sunday, August 03, 2008
The Random Dialogs: Part One
Guy 1: So, did you watch the Star Wars trilogy I let you borrow?
Guy 2: Dude, you didn’t LET me borrow them, you essentially forced me to take them home and watch them over the weekend. Seriously, it was like the crappiest homework assignment I’ve ever had.
Guy 1: I guess you didn’t like the movies, then?
Guy 2: Of course not. They were goddamned terrible.
Guy 1: Oh, why? Because the effects were crappy? It was the 70s, man. You can’t dismiss the greatness of the classics just because the special effects are archaic.
Guy 2: The effects had nothing to do with it. It’s actually kind of refreshing to see cheesy old-school effects from time to time. Unfortunately, you had to buy the remastered trilogy. Really, dude? I know next to nothing about the Star Wars universe, yet even I felt like I was getting kicked in the dick by a sniggering George Lucas when in the end of the third movie Hayden Christensen’s ghost was standing there instead of the original guy.
Guy 1: Just what did you hate so much?
Guy 2: It was just the whole thing. It was … it was fucking terrible.
Guy 1: No way! Give me one example.
Guy 2: Okay, right from the very beginning: “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” Of course the galaxy is far, far away—it’s another galaxy. The closest galaxy to us is literally millions of light years away, for fuck’s sake! It’s like George Lucas thinks we’re all a bunch of assholes or something.
Guy 1: You’re saying Lucas purposely insulted his audience with a redundancy he thought they were too stupid to catch? What if it was just an accident?
Guy 2: If it was an accidental redundancy, then Lucas is the asshole. What kind of moron writes an entire movie about space without realizing the blatant, brain-fuckingly stupid redundancy in the opening line of the film? If he’s not being insulting, he’s just being lazy.
Guy 1: Dude, you’re thinking about this way too much.
Guy 2: You wanted an example, so I gave you one. It’s a big pile of fucking stupid from the beginning all the way to the end. And how can you say I’m putting too much thought into this? When you Star Wars fags obsess about the movie, blowing nerd loads all over each other’s Boba Fett avatars on the message boards, it’s all accolades and cheetos dust-coated ass-patting.
Guy 1: That’s totally different.
Guy 2: Sure it is. Urg. I feel like a mouth-breathing ultra-virgin just for discussing this shit right now.
Guy 1: Well, at least admit that Darth Vader was a total badass.
Guy 2: He was a pussy. A big, gay pussy smothered in sissy sauce.
Guy 1: How can you even say that? He strangled people without even touching them!
Guy 2: He probably didn't want to break a nail.
Guy 1: Well, what about …
Guy 2: Jedi—pussies. Dark side—pussies. Boba Fett, a guy who died because he fell into a hole even though he was wearing a goddamned jetpack—pussy. The Force, Jabba, ewoks—gay, gay, gay. What the fuck ever.
Guy 1: Come on now!
Guy 2: Seriously. What’s up with those movies? Like, if there were a special feature on the DVDs where you could watch Lucas directing as the movies were being filmed, it’d just be him sitting on a barstool with a bullhorn, screaming “Gayer!” after every take.
Guy 1: I’m going to ignore all of that. Is there nothing you liked at all about the trilogy?
Guy 2: Yeah, I liked it when Darth Vader was swashbuckling with Gandalf, and Gandalf was all, “If you leave me now, you take away the biggest part of me.” Then he teleported into space, went all Super Saiyan, and destroyed the Death Star and a whole bunch of those bad-guy space ships that look like photovoltaic ping-pong balls with a giant hadoken.
Guy 1: What the fuck are you talking about?
Guy 2: It’s adorable how you Star Wars fags get more worked up about inaccuracy than downright shit-talking.
Guy 2: Dude, you didn’t LET me borrow them, you essentially forced me to take them home and watch them over the weekend. Seriously, it was like the crappiest homework assignment I’ve ever had.
Guy 1: I guess you didn’t like the movies, then?
Guy 2: Of course not. They were goddamned terrible.
Guy 1: Oh, why? Because the effects were crappy? It was the 70s, man. You can’t dismiss the greatness of the classics just because the special effects are archaic.
Guy 2: The effects had nothing to do with it. It’s actually kind of refreshing to see cheesy old-school effects from time to time. Unfortunately, you had to buy the remastered trilogy. Really, dude? I know next to nothing about the Star Wars universe, yet even I felt like I was getting kicked in the dick by a sniggering George Lucas when in the end of the third movie Hayden Christensen’s ghost was standing there instead of the original guy.
Guy 1: Just what did you hate so much?
Guy 2: It was just the whole thing. It was … it was fucking terrible.
Guy 1: No way! Give me one example.
Guy 2: Okay, right from the very beginning: “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” Of course the galaxy is far, far away—it’s another galaxy. The closest galaxy to us is literally millions of light years away, for fuck’s sake! It’s like George Lucas thinks we’re all a bunch of assholes or something.
Guy 1: You’re saying Lucas purposely insulted his audience with a redundancy he thought they were too stupid to catch? What if it was just an accident?
Guy 2: If it was an accidental redundancy, then Lucas is the asshole. What kind of moron writes an entire movie about space without realizing the blatant, brain-fuckingly stupid redundancy in the opening line of the film? If he’s not being insulting, he’s just being lazy.
Guy 1: Dude, you’re thinking about this way too much.
Guy 2: You wanted an example, so I gave you one. It’s a big pile of fucking stupid from the beginning all the way to the end. And how can you say I’m putting too much thought into this? When you Star Wars fags obsess about the movie, blowing nerd loads all over each other’s Boba Fett avatars on the message boards, it’s all accolades and cheetos dust-coated ass-patting.
Guy 1: That’s totally different.
Guy 2: Sure it is. Urg. I feel like a mouth-breathing ultra-virgin just for discussing this shit right now.
Guy 1: Well, at least admit that Darth Vader was a total badass.
Guy 2: He was a pussy. A big, gay pussy smothered in sissy sauce.
Guy 1: How can you even say that? He strangled people without even touching them!
Guy 2: He probably didn't want to break a nail.
Guy 1: Well, what about …
Guy 2: Jedi—pussies. Dark side—pussies. Boba Fett, a guy who died because he fell into a hole even though he was wearing a goddamned jetpack—pussy. The Force, Jabba, ewoks—gay, gay, gay. What the fuck ever.
Guy 1: Come on now!
Guy 2: Seriously. What’s up with those movies? Like, if there were a special feature on the DVDs where you could watch Lucas directing as the movies were being filmed, it’d just be him sitting on a barstool with a bullhorn, screaming “Gayer!” after every take.
Guy 1: I’m going to ignore all of that. Is there nothing you liked at all about the trilogy?
Guy 2: Yeah, I liked it when Darth Vader was swashbuckling with Gandalf, and Gandalf was all, “If you leave me now, you take away the biggest part of me.” Then he teleported into space, went all Super Saiyan, and destroyed the Death Star and a whole bunch of those bad-guy space ships that look like photovoltaic ping-pong balls with a giant hadoken.
Guy 1: What the fuck are you talking about?
Guy 2: It’s adorable how you Star Wars fags get more worked up about inaccuracy than downright shit-talking.
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