Sunday, August 03, 2008

The Random Dialogs: Part One

Guy 1: So, did you watch the Star Wars trilogy I let you borrow?
Guy 2: Dude, you didn’t LET me borrow them, you essentially forced me to take them home and watch them over the weekend. Seriously, it was like the crappiest homework assignment I’ve ever had.
Guy 1: I guess you didn’t like the movies, then?
Guy 2: Of course not. They were goddamned terrible.
Guy 1: Oh, why? Because the effects were crappy? It was the 70s, man. You can’t dismiss the greatness of the classics just because the special effects are archaic.
Guy 2: The effects had nothing to do with it. It’s actually kind of refreshing to see cheesy old-school effects from time to time. Unfortunately, you had to buy the remastered trilogy. Really, dude? I know next to nothing about the Star Wars universe, yet even I felt like I was getting kicked in the dick by a sniggering George Lucas when in the end of the third movie Hayden Christensen’s ghost was standing there instead of the original guy.
Guy 1: Just what did you hate so much?
Guy 2: It was just the whole thing. It was … it was fucking terrible.
Guy 1: No way! Give me one example.
Guy 2: Okay, right from the very beginning: “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” Of course the galaxy is far, far away—it’s another galaxy. The closest galaxy to us is literally millions of light years away, for fuck’s sake! It’s like George Lucas thinks we’re all a bunch of assholes or something.
Guy 1: You’re saying Lucas purposely insulted his audience with a redundancy he thought they were too stupid to catch? What if it was just an accident?
Guy 2: If it was an accidental redundancy, then Lucas is the asshole. What kind of moron writes an entire movie about space without realizing the blatant, brain-fuckingly stupid redundancy in the opening line of the film? If he’s not being insulting, he’s just being lazy.
Guy 1: Dude, you’re thinking about this way too much.
Guy 2: You wanted an example, so I gave you one. It’s a big pile of fucking stupid from the beginning all the way to the end. And how can you say I’m putting too much thought into this? When you Star Wars fags obsess about the movie, blowing nerd loads all over each other’s Boba Fett avatars on the message boards, it’s all accolades and cheetos dust-coated ass-patting.
Guy 1: That’s totally different.
Guy 2: Sure it is. Urg. I feel like a mouth-breathing ultra-virgin just for discussing this shit right now.
Guy 1: Well, at least admit that Darth Vader was a total badass.
Guy 2: He was a pussy. A big, gay pussy smothered in sissy sauce.
Guy 1: How can you even say that? He strangled people without even touching them!

Guy 2: He probably didn't want to break a nail.
Guy 1: Well, what about …
Guy 2: Jedi—pussies. Dark side—pussies. Boba Fett, a guy who died because he fell into a hole even though he was wearing a goddamned jetpack—pussy. The Force, Jabba, ewoks—gay, gay, gay. What the fuck ever.
Guy 1: Come on now!
Guy 2: Seriously. What’s up with those movies? Like, if there were a special feature on the DVDs where you could watch Lucas directing as the movies were being filmed, it’d just be him sitting on a barstool with a bullhorn, screaming “Gayer!” after every take.
Guy 1: I’m going to ignore all of that. Is there nothing you liked at all about the trilogy?
Guy 2: Yeah, I liked it when Darth Vader was swashbuckling with Gandalf, and Gandalf was all, “If you leave me now, you take away the biggest part of me.” Then he teleported into space, went all Super Saiyan, and destroyed the Death Star and a whole bunch of those bad-guy space ships that look like photovoltaic ping-pong balls with a giant hadoken.
Guy 1: What the fuck are you talking about?

Guy 2: It’s adorable how you Star Wars fags get more worked up about inaccuracy than downright shit-talking.

5 comments:

Starr Childe said...

he lives!

thought you forgot your blog password, or something.

Star Wars is just one of those things - you either love it, or you hate it.

Prunella Jones said...

I'm glad to see you posting again, Morbid. But I find your lack of faith....disturbing.

Don't underestimate the Force.

Prunella Jones said...

Is it sad that I can quote pretty much the entire first movie from heart? Perhaps this why I have difficulty securing non naked employment?

Wait, don't answer either of those questions.

honkeie2 said...

Even though it is old now but at least it proves you did not buy a bottle of cheap whiskey and some tylenol pm's and just end it all. Well you might have by now it is aug 18th after all.
ps....
I love fucking with trekkies and starwar boners.

Rachel Noy said...

"Guy 2: Yeah, I liked it when Darth Vader was swashbuckling with Gandalf, and Gandalf was all, “If you leave me now, you take away the biggest part of me.” Then he teleported into space, went all Super Saiyan, and destroyed the Death Star and a whole bunch of those bad-guy space ships that look like photovoltaic ping-pong balls with a giant hadoken.
Guy 1: What the fuck are you talking about?
Guy 2: It’s adorable how you Star Wars fags get more worked up about inaccuracy than downright shit-talking."


That is the funniest thing I've read on a blog for a while. Funny because it's true. *golf clap*

You can diss the fans, but you can't knock the films, surely.