How to tell if someone you know is in the closet.

In this modern world, there are a lot of gay people. Some of the people you know may in fact be gay, but are hiding it for fear of ridicule (even though everyone loves faggots these days). Here are a few telltale signs that might help you identify someone you know as a rump ranger. Then you can make fun of him and cut all ties with him.

1. He plays sports just so he can smack guy ass whenever someone scores a point.

2. He randomly asks if anyone wants to wrestle...Bonus gay points if he wants to wrestle on the beach.

3. Every pornographic picture he has is of a woman giving a BJ or an HJ, ie, there's a crank in every picture.

4. His frequent Freudian slips when angrily insulting someone. Example - He says, "Shut-up asshole, or I'll suck your dick".

5. He talks about nailing chicks all the time, but when he has the chance, he makes excuses to get out of heterosexual sex.

6. He constantly, and for no reason, talks about how tough he is, and how he can kick everyone's ass.

7. Is gothic or listens to nu-metal.

8. Cries constantly.

9. He tells his friends they all have small dicks and dares them to prove him wrong.

10. He really wants to go to prison.

These signs should let you know pretty quickly that your buddy wants to be someone's girlfriend. If your buddy acts like a normal straight guy, but you notice something just a little "off" about him, look for these signs. Of course, if he says he's straight but radiates gay like a flaming neon billboard, you won't need to look for these signs. Simply laugh hysterically while bitch slapping him, never talk to him again, and expect to see him performing on American Idol.