Well, it's official. I'm the new Pope. Old John Paul II is dead and I am his successor. I know it's big news. Hell I was surprised too. Here's what happened.
I thought the Pope was a little too old, weak, and feeble minded to have so much power, so I hopped a plane to Rome and visited him in the Vatican. Not just anybody can go visit the Pope but I saved his life in the war so he owed me. The conversation was recorded and transcribed by this one priest who is a total brown-noser.
Me: Hey there Your Holiness, long time no see. How's Jesus doing these days?
Pope: (wheeze) Popcorn...banana umbrella... (wheeze).
Me: I won't take up much of your time because I know how busy you are.
Pope: (cough) butter...Volkswagen... (garbled Latin)
Me: I'm going to be honest with you JP. I think you're too old for this Pope shit and you should retire.
Pope: I...I saw...dolphins...lederhosen... (mumbling).
Me: What? You want me to take over as Pope?
Pope: (imitating an outboard motor).
Me: Your dying wish is for me to take over as Pope immediately?
Pope: (makes popping noise with his mouth then dies)
Needless to say, I had to honor his dying wish. I know choosing the next Pope is usually a lengthy ordeal, but since it was the Pope's last wish, the Catholic Church swore me in as the new Pope that day and I had some priests move all my shit into the Vatican right away. It's pretty sweet here at the Vatican. I had some of the Pope's guys show me around the place. I got to go into the Vault where the Church keeps all their piles of money. There were a few priests in there laughing and making paper airplanes out of hundred dollar bills. The Pope's guys even showed me this sweet balcony where all the Cardinals go to throw rocks at the poor people outside of Vatican City.
Anyway, after being familiarized with my new living quarters, I decided to make some changes to the Catholic religion. I'll be the first to admit I might have gone a little power crazy. Here are some of the changes I made. I decreed all of this crap officially in Rome recently, but I thought my followers should have access to the new rules and changes. Being uninformed is no excuse for committing a mortal sin.
1.) My Pope name is now officially Pope Trantor the Mighty and Vengeful III.
2.) Obeying the laws of physics and thermodynamics is now a mortal sin.
3.) All Catholic rituals will no longer be performed in Latin. From now on, they will be performed in Swahili.
4.) Instead of wine and crackers, sake-bombs and pretzels will be served during the Holy Communion.
5.) Priests no longer have to take vows of celibacy. I think we all know why, and quite frankly, I don't know why the last Pope didn't think of this.
6.) All confessions world wide will be recorded for my own viewing pleasure, and if all goes as planned, the really juicy stuff will be aired on HBO.
7.) The crucifix will be replaced by an image of me kicking Mohammed in the ass.
8.) I'm replacing the Swiss Guard with a crack team of ninjas.
9.) The Catholic church now officially condemns the following: Waking up early in the morning, putting beans in chili, American Idol, male ballerinas wearing tights, modern art through postmodern art (although photorealism is ok), that stupid kid that that spilled her slurpee on me at the movie theater, the new Ninja Gaiden game being only on the shitty x-box, people pronouncing vinaigrette like vin-uh-guh-ret, spitting out wine at a wine tasting, homosexual bestiality, soft roe, Good Charlotte, and getting a tribal tattoo if you don't belong to a tribe.
10.) Instead of saying Hail Maries as penance, you'll smoke cigarettes.
11.) At the request of my brother, all "hot chicks with big racks" will be certified as miracles.
12.) Bob Saget is now the Patron Saint of being awesome and Lemmy Kilmister is the Patron saint of totally kicking ass and rocking out.
13.) Pauly Shore movies are great. Anyone who disagrees will be excommunicated.
14.) Did the previous Pope have a jester? I hired a jester.
15.) Thursday is pizza night.
Those are my contributions to Catholicism so far. So make sure you follow those rules, and whatever ones you had before. In the case that one of my rules contradicts the old rules, follow mine. I decide if you people get into heaven or not so don't piss me off.