Monday, May 23, 2005

Some Kind of Monster? More like Some Kind of Menstrual.

I was recently on a trip to the bay area. It was lovely San Francisco, where gays hold hands freely in the streets, and smoking near a federal building is a crime. What a great city. Well, not really, but I was stuck there for a number of days and I had to deal with it. Needless to say, I stayed in my room most of the time. I didn't get many cable channels in my room but I did get VH1. Yeah, I know, that's not good news, but it was something to watch when they aired Some Kind of Monster.

Don't get me wrong. I've been a Metallica fan for years. I've got all the CDs (including plenty of bootlegs), I've got the Live Shit Binge Purge box, I've got tons of their shirts, a program from a live show, posters, and stickers. I've got it all. I've been a fan for years. When Load and Reload came out, I forced myself to enjoy the CDs for what they were - they were decent CDs, I'll give them that, but they were hardly Metallica.

Honestly, if that was the way Metallica wanted to go, good for them. It wasn't the Metallica I knew and loved, but it was still listenable. Who cared if their hair was short, they cold still kick ass. Then the whole Napster thing happened. Honestly, I don't blame Lars et al. That's a whole other story though, so forget about that for now. All I'm saying is, I've been a fan of the band, thick and thin, for a long time. Then I heard St. Anger.

The production was bad, and the majority of the music was bad. I bought the CD at Target for $9.99 and I still felt ripped off. Granted, the additional DVD that came with the CD was cool, and sounded a lot better than the CD, but that couldn't make up for an overall crappy record. I've listened to St. Anger plenty of times and it does nothing for me. In fact, it's almost nu-metal. If there is one thing I cannot tolerate, it is nu-metal.

Even through all of this, I still insisted that Metallica kicked ass. St. Anger was a fluke, everyone has off days (or months in this case), and I could overlook it. Metallica would eventually make up for it by kicking ass on their next record. I truly believed this until, in my hotel room in San Francisco (where Metallica's reign began), I watched Some Kind of Monster.
I've never seen such emasculating footage. These guys, who at one point were the pinnacle of badassitude, were now sniveling, whiney, epicene old men who argued like menstruating bitches fighting for attention. It was shameless and pathetic. Metallica was actually sitting in a room with a wimpy psychologist telling them how to feel and they were listening to him. The old Metallica would have shoved a vodka bottle up his nose and punched him in the face, but this, nu-Metallica, was sitting there, teary-eyed talking about their feelings.

The whole movie was one big bitchfest, complete with pointless drama, needless emotional breakdowns, and six months of rehab for James Hetfield. Since when did men, not only men - fucking Metallica, need wimpy shrinks to make them cry in order resolve their problems? Now I can see why Jason Newsted left the band. He was probably like, "Dammit, this is Metallica. We should be kicking ass and busting balls, but all the other guys in the band want to do is cry and exchange tampons." Voivod and Echobrain suck, but still, Newsted was smart to leave Metallica.

Men don't solve their personal problems by crying and talking about their feelings. Essentially any problem between guys can be solved with a fight and a drink. Here's an example of what I mean:
Guy 1: Hey asshole! I heard you were talkin' shit about me.
Guy 2: Yeah? What are you gunna' do about it?
Guy 1: I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
Guy 2: Is that so. Well, fuck you, let's see you try!
Fight ensues and both guys take damage. Bloody nose is wiped clean, teeth are spit out, and they help each other off the floor.
Guy 1: *Sniff* Good fight bro.
Guy 2: You too man. Sorry about the shit talking.
Guy 1: Yeah, no biggie.
Guy 2: Wanna' get a beer?
Guy 1: Why the fuck not?
Guy 2: No hard feelings right?
Guy 1: Fuck no! What am I, a girl?

That's just how it works with guys. I've been shanked by a guy and then drank a beer with him ten minutes later when he let me use his sock to wipe the blood from my wound. Holding a grudge and bitching about it all the time is what happens with women, or men who go to a shrink. Seriously, Metallica should just be thrown in a small, poorly lit room and be forced to duke it out until they knock all the pussy out of each other.

It seems that Metallica have gotten old and wimpy. It's sad really; they used to kick ass. Some Kind of Monster does a good job of explaining why St. Anger sucked so much. How the hell are you supposed to record a decent metal CD when you're busy crying to your shrink? It is my hope that Metallica will stop bleeding out of their genitals, grow some balls, and kick ass once again. If not, I've got plenty of death and black metal to listen to - no skin off my nads. It's just a shame to see a once badass band turn into a bunch of bitchy old men who'd rather talk about their girly feelings than beat the shit out of each other and then get drunk.


neko said...

Top 3 Metallica [nee, alcoholica] hits of all time:

1. master of puppets
2. nothing else matters
3. unforgiven [I & II]

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- Good list. Let's see...

1.) "Dyers Eve"
2.) "For Whom the Bell Tolls"
3.) "Master of Puppets"

Lately, I find I like Metallica a lot more when another, often death metal, band covers their songs. I believe Metallica has only performed "Dyers Eve" live once, and they could barely keep up. If they practiced speed picking instead of whining to a shrink, they might still kick ass.