Legalize Vampire Hunting

I recently was watching this show called “In Search of” which is essentially one of those shows where they “investigate” the supernatural. By supernatural I mean various cryptozoological critters like Bigfoot, religious issues like the existence of hell and Satan, and other unusual topics like psychics, UFOs, and vampires. Yes, real live (how inauthentic) vampires living amongst regular people in America. I was curious and in need of a good laugh so I continued watching.

They ran some footage of what were essentially Goths with fake fangs dry humping each other in a room lit by a bunch of candles. This hardly constitutes someone calling himself a vampire.

After a while, one of the vampires got out some medical paraphernalia and extracted blood, safely and sterilely might I add, from his lady vamp and drank it. They took turns sipping on each other’s blood for a while and I assume it ended in a session of coffin shaking vampire boning. That’s what being a vampire is about, drinking a few drops of blood here and there, and boning.

It only got worse as lisping self-proclaimed vampires gushed about the benefits of drinking human blood. I can’t give any exact quotes because I saw it on TV and my memory isn’t that good. But one guy was even saying that when he goes extended lengths of time without drinking blood, he loses power, feels weaker, and becomes more easily frustrated than when he’s been drinking blood. I’d like to assure this nutsack that these affects are caused by an active, and flamboyant, imagination and not a physical phenomenon.

Not only that, but how the fuck is drinking blood with sanitary medical equipment even remotely like drinking blood the old fashioned way: chewing a big hole in someone’s neck and chugging the blood as it gushes out. If you’re going to call yourself a vampire, you at least better be able to drink blood the right way. I mean, these gothesque morons already look like bitches, now they have to use a needle to drink blood. Can they get any gayer?

They also said they got an inflated feeling of power when they drank blood. Not surprising because poking their ugly girlfriends with a needle is probably the most harm they’ve ever inflicted on another individual. Of course, next time I see one of them walking down the street (in daylight for fuck’s sake) I’m going to punch him in the head so hard his fangs will fall out.

Being a vampire is also supposed to be a sensual experience. I suppose it’s more romantic than the Dungeons and Dragons people fucking each other while wearing Viking helmets and chain male, but the fact remains it’s still a bunch of dopey looking pale people with too much makeup on drinking droplets of each others blood and hissing like an enraged, ranting faggot.

Nothing they can do will make them real vampires. Here is the definition of vampire.

A reanimated corpse that is believed to rise from the grave to suck the blood from sleeping people.

So until I see one of those motherfuckers die, raise from the dead, and suck people’s blood for real, and against their will, he's just a goth with an unusual habit.

Now I know I’m being harsh on this idiotic subculture, and I know I’ve been harsh on plain old “cutting myself to feel something while writing bad poetry” everyday Goths in the past, so I’m going to try to do something nice for vampires to sort of, give these people a break.

I propose we legalize vampire hunting. If there really were actual vampires running around making victims out of American citizens, you can bet there would be vampire hunters. So the way I look at it, if these people want to act like they’re real vampires, legalizing vampire hunting would add to the authenticity they’re trying to create.

I mean, what could add to their collective delusion more than that? They’d have to spend every moment of their lives trying not to get killed by professional and amateur vampire hunters. How’s that for emersion in a fantasy? Also, a new industry would boost the economy while creating jobs that pretty much anyone would be qualified for. I mean seriously, anybody could kill one of these vampire people. They’re total wimps.

I must admit, this proposition is a selfish venture on my part. These pseudo vampire faggots piss me off. There’s nothing I’d like more than the chance to beat the shit out of them whenever I feel like with no negative consequences. I’d slap these sissy sons of bitches around and make them eat their fangs. Pass that through your system you little douchebag.

The thing that really made me laugh, is that the show portrayed these people like they actually scare or concern people. I’m sure some Christian mother of five in the Midwest saw the program and was terrified. Pity, she just got over those Marilyn Manson nightmares she was having. I haven’t noticed a recent spike in garlic sales so I’m assuming the majority of the country isn’t exactly worried.