San Diego International Comic Convention: Not this fucking year

This is the first year since I was a young teenager that I won’t be attending the San Diego Comic Convention. I’m a little bit bummed about it but there are a number of reasons I’m not going.

1.) I haven’t read a comic book in years.

2.) My brother is away at college and going with him was half the fun.

3.) Having a job keeps me from going Thursday and Friday, much like being normal keeps me from dressing up like an elf and introducing myself as Trantor when I talk to the lady who sells water. (Note: I apologize to all the nerds out there of the opinion that Trantor sounds more like a troll’s name than an Elf’s. I’m a busy guy. I don’t have time to research appropriate elf names on the internet. Even if I had the time, I still wouldn’t so fuck off already.)

4.) Too many people. Last year, there were so many people attending, that even though I paid way the fuck ahead of time for the four day pass, it took so long to get my pass, I missed out on preview night. What the fuck?

5.) Regardless of how fun it is making fun of overweight girls dressed like Sailor Moon, the Comic Con is also a pain in the ass. It’s expensive, time-consuming, and attending is very similar to being one bee in a massive, buzzing beehive; except the hive stinks of fat-guy BO and rancid hot dog burps.

6.) I hate people touching me. But at the Comic Con, because it was so crowded, I found myself getting rubbed up against by some fat sweaty guy in a Shazam shirt with eruptive acne that looks like a science experiment gone wrong. While I understand the plight of these unfortunate people, that doesn’t make it any less infuriating when they elbow check me while making a mad dash to buy the last bootleg Star Wars Christmas TV Special.

7.) The last couple of Comic Cons, the major reason I went was to attend the Adult Swim panel. Now though, Adult Swim sucks and I have no reason to go to the panel; unless Tim and Eric were there in which case I’d kick their asses.

There are plenty of reasons I want to go as well. I wouldn’t have gone for so many years if it wasn’t worth it.

1.) There’s a lot of free shit that nerds would pay a fortune for on Ebay.

2.) I still need one more bootleg of The Tick (cartoon show) to have all the episodes. Alas, that one missing tape contains the episode The Tick vs. The Tick which is the episode with the hilarious character the Evil Midnight Bomber what Bombs at Midnight. I need that tape like Michael Jackson needs his fix of little Billy.

3.) I just found out Brendon Small is going to be there. That guy rules.

4.) Tradition. By tradition, I mean getting totally wasted and going to the Comic Con drunk laughing at everything.

5.) Thanks to plenty of weapons booths, the nerds at the Comic Con are more heavily armed than Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod and Blade combined. There’s nothing funnier than a skinny nerd trying to carry a sword that’s way too heavy for him. It’s like watching a mouse try to carry a piece of cheese twice his size.

6.) Kicking klingon ass.

7.) Danzig is usually there.

8.) The following booths usually own: Liquor Man, Too Much Coffee Man, Martin the Satanic Raccoon, RottonCotton.com, Troma, Spike and Mike’s Twisted Animation, as well as a number of bootleg video booths that are probably on one of the FBI’s shit lists.

9.) You meet interesting people like the guys from the local metal band Skeletor who dress up like Skeletor and swordfight on stage.

10.) The overall experience is just so unique. Everything from watching dorks buying porn (cartoon or real), to watching that weird guy dressed up as Optimus Prime as he struggles to transform makes for a weird experience. It’s a sociologist’s dream come true.

While it appears the reasons to go outnumber the reasons not to go, I’m still not fucking going. It just isn’t worth it any more. I’m not into the shit like I used to be. I’d have more fun staying home reading a book than I would at the Comic Con. I suppose unlike some of the elderly folks in attendance still dressed up like storm troopers, superman, or some random anime character, I’ve outgrown the shit. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go ruin a Magic: the Gathering game for some nerds.