Monday, July 18, 2005

Morgan Spurlock's Latest Revelation

Here’s the latest news regarding filmmaker Morgan Spurlock’s next documentary. I might have read it somewhere, but I’m 99.9% certain I made it all up.

Morgan Spurlock, the filmmaker known for blowing the lid off of the dangers of overeating fast-food in his film Supersize me and promoting liberal propaganda on his show 30 Days, recently announced the topic of his next documentary. The press conference was held in the back yard of multi-millionaire and fellow filmmaker Michael Moore.

Morgan Spurlock took the podium while Michael Moore greased himself up with sun block and floated on an inner tube in his bejeweled swimming pool. Mr. Spurlock started by thanking the press for coming. “Thank you all for coming here in search of the truth; the truth THEY don’t want you to hear. In my first documentary I sacrificed my health and risked my life to reveal secrets about fast food THEY hide from you so you become fat and complacent. But I have blown away the myth that eating supersized fast food three times a day is a healthy practice. In my show 30 Days, I took ignorant, often racist people and made them see the error of their ways. For example, I took this stupid, gun-toting, Christian, redneck, and proved to him that the Muslims in the country suffer far more every day, than any American suffered in the terrorist attacks of 9/11. It was because of me that David Stacy learned Islam is a religion of peace. Unfortunately, on the last day of filming he handled the Koran in a way one Muslim deemed offensive and was beheaded. Cough, Cough…Anyway, I’m making stupid, closed-minded, conservative yahoos see the light, my truth, the only truth.”

After a standing ovation from the press and after Michael Moore consumed another bucket of cheese whiz, Spurlock continued by revealing some of the details concerning his upcoming movie Malnourish Me. “This documentary is the other side of my groundbreaking movie Supersize Me. In this documentary, I plan to prove that if a person eats nothing but barnyard animal semen ten times a day for a month, that person will actually become malnourished and possibly die. This is another big secret THEY don’t want you to know and I’m once again risking life and limb to make this information public. This information will most likely surprise the nation because crooked, rich, white businessmen who profit from the consumption of mass quantities of animal DNA have gone out of their way to hide the truth. They know for a fact that this unhealthy diet is responsible for the terrible physical shape millions of Americans are in yet they keep the public in the dark to sell more product. It’s despicable, unscrupulous behavior, and my movie will be another step towards putting an end to it.”

Everyone attending the press conference was stunned by this shocking new information. Many reporters stood completely stunned, jaws, dropped in total silence. After a few awkward seconds Michael Moore barked, “Clap you motherfuckers” spitting bits of bacon and cheese whiz all over his jowls and man tits. The audience clapped out of fear that they would be charged by an enraged fat man covered with slimy sun screen and dairy byproduct.

Shortly thereafter, Morgan Spurlock announced he would be taking questions from the press and graciously awaited questioning. A nervous looking reporter from the New York Times approached the microphone and after a few moments of stuttering and hesitation asked a question. Below is a transcript of some of the Q & A section of the press release.

“So, Mr. Spurlock, my question is this: You’re planning on consuming nothing but, ahem, animal DNA for a month to prove that it’s unsafe to do so?”

“That’s correct. I’m going to shock the world much like I did when I proved eating fast food thee times a day could make a person gain weight.”

“Well, um yeah, that was quite a revelation…for some people, but I’m not really sure that malnutrition caused by only eating animal semen is something most people would ever have to worry about.”

“I don’t quite understand what you’re saying.”

“I don’t think most people eat animal semen, not to mention ONLY animal semen for extended periods of time.”

“You’re kidding right? It’s been well documented that 35% of minority children grow up eating nothing but animal semen because the corporations spend millions of dollars marketing animal semen to them to keep them unemployed.”

“Riiigghhhttt. Could you please let me know your source for that figure?”

“Michael Moore told me. He provided me with all kinds of information while I was preparing to make this movie. The rest of my facts, percentages, and research I put together myself. I’m a reporter and a documentary maker after all.”

Michael Moore and Morgan Spurlock then abruptly ended the Q & A. I was later sent a memo from the documentary making duo which informed me of some other upcoming Spurlock projects: Suffocate Me, Morgan Spurlock proves the shocking truth about breathing underwater – it can kill you. Microwave Me, which proves beyond the shadow of a doubt, microwaving your head is unhealthy. And finally, Poison Me, the shocking truth about shooting cyanide into your eyes every day for a month – it’s bad for you.

5 comments:

drunkbh said...

Spurlock is an idiot. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that eating only McDonalds for a month will make you a fatass. I can't decide who the bigger dumbass was...the executive that decided this was suitable for TV or the idiots that nominated it for an Oscar or the retards that actually gave it an Academy Award. I'm glad to see that you finally allowed comments.

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neko said...

i think you made your point.

those silly americans.. when i first heard of supersize me, my initial thought was: eating only junkfood makes you fat? -->

NO SHIT.

subsequent thoughts: those silly americans

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- Only certain groups of Americans were surprised by the film's "revelation." They're generally the same Americans that think 9/11 was an inside job and have Velcro shoes because they never mastered tying laces. Never underestimate the stupidity of people that have to wear drool bibs all the time, I always say.