Some Advice Free of Charge

During my lifetime I’ve had to listen to a lot of people bitch about asinine shit I couldn’t care less about. During highschool, college, and in all of the bands I’ve been in, I’ve had to watch as pathetic Dawson’s Creak drama bullshit was treated like it mattered. I’ve had to listen to slobbering morons cry about the girl that got away, or how their parents mistreated them as children, or how the death of their beloved childhood pet scarred them for life.

This emotional excess is a bunch of shit. Drama is best left to teenage girls who write shitty poetry and cut themselves by candlelight while listening to Tory Amos. Yet, for some reason, I’ve had to listen to people bitch about their epicene problems and expect me to give them advice. I gave those morons my advice just to shut them up, and for some reason they didn’t take my advice, and worse, they didn’t shut up.

They said I wasn’t compassionate enough, and that I was too mean. That’s exactly the kind of bullshit I’d expect from a bunch of pussies so I wasn’t surprised. Well, I’m no prissy, cry on my shoulder, wimp who candy coats a situation. If you ask my advice, you’re going to get it. If people handled situations the way I suggested, there’d be a lot less people menstruating all over Oprah’s stage. Just for the record, I fucking hate Oprah.

Here are a few of the things people have asked me/said to me followed by the advice I doled out. If they would have listened to my advice, they’d be better off. Instead, they’re probably curled up in the fetal position bawling their eyes out to the latest Sarah McLaughlin CD. Pussies.

1.) I really love this girl, but she likes my friend/bandmate. It’s killing me. What should I do? (Imagine this question being asked through violent, snotty, tears…I know; it disgusted me too).

First off asshole, you don’t love her. You barely know her. Besides that, she’s an ugly, disease-ridden, mullet-headed, hose-beast that would make Mother Teresa nauseous and you should thank your friend/bandmate for jumping on the grenade even if it wasn’t intentional. Second, it’s not killing you. If it were really killing you, I’d expect to see some blood, and the only blood I see is coming out of your pussy. What happened to your balls? My advice: grow a pair and get over it.

2.) My estranged father used to beat me. Now I have low self-esteem and strong feelings of rejection. It’s starting to hinder my growth as a healthy human being. I don’t know what to do.

I’ll tell you what you do. You either suck it up, forget about it, and get over it, or you track down your old man, break his kneecaps with a tire iron, and kick the shit out of him until you feel better about yourself. If you’re not man enough to do either of these things, you probably deserved to get beaten.

3.) My job sucks. My boss is so mean to me, and I’m tired of sitting in a cubicle all day.

At least you have a job dickhead. Shit, you barely made it out of highschool after six years, you never went to college and now you’re upset because your job sucks? Before you do anything else, I suggest you thank the god you sacrifice kittens to for showing you so much favor. And the next time you think you’re so bad off, go to the nearest porn shop and spend five minutes watching the jizz mopper do his job. Next time you head back to your cubicle, be happy your job description doesn’t include mopping up DNA.

4.) Dude, my girlfriend is cheating on me.

What finally gave it away? Was it her 24 hour-a-day dick breath? Her mangled and overused genitals? Or did you catch her screwing the entire million man march? Regardless, now that you know what the rest of the world knows, kick her ass out and get yourself checked for STDs immediately. Wait… Nevermind. You were dating her; therefore you were the only person she wasn’t fucking. You should be clean.

5.) This guy has been picking on me at the mall. It’s really humiliating. What should I do?

What’s really humiliating is you turning tail and running away like a Frenchman. The next time some asshole with an inferiority complex is making himself feel better by making you feel terrible, look him right in the eyes and punch him in the throat the second he moves. Feel free to piss on him while he writhes around on the ground, desperately trying to breathe. If his ditsy cunt of a girlfriend ever laughed at you, punch her in the mouth for good measure. Congratulations, you now have balls.

6.) My girlfriend won’t let me hang out with the guys anymore.

She won’t LET you? I suggest you get your balls out of that jar your girlfriend is keeping them in, smack her around a bit, and we’ll just see if she tries to stop you from drinking with the guys next time.

7.) I’m so out of shape.

So?

8.) I need a girlfriend.

You might as well just wish for a 130 lb. tumor that you have to take everywhere you go.

9.) I really like this one guy, but I can’t get him to notice me. What should I do? (a girl asked me this question).

He didn’t notice you because he’s a strung out gutter punk passed out in the grass at the park. About the only thing he’d notice in his condition is a singing, dancing syringe full of horse. Stop being such a moron.

10.) These three guys invited me to their house for a party. Should I go? (Another dumb question from another dumb girl).

If you want to get raped by three strangers simultaneously, go for it.

11.) I found the answers for the test. Should I cheat?

You’d only be cheating yourself.

These are just a few morsels of my infinite wisdom. If you have a problem and you don’t know what to do, quit being all whiney and indecisive and punch someone. It may not be a permanent solution, but at least it gets the ball rolling.