Monday, August 01, 2005

How to Form a Famous Punk Band

Step 1.) You’re going to need a guitar. If you’re a “real punk” you’re a dirtbag and you can steal one. If you’re one of those wannabe punkers, you can get your mom to rent you a guitar. Just make sure you never take lessons or practice. If you do, you’ll be overqualified to write punk music.

Step 2.) Find some other angst-ridden youngsters with no talent and convince them to play drums and bass. Bonus points if you can get a drummer who’s willing to pierce his dick and play drums panstless.

Step 3.) Take the three chords you know and use them to write a whole album. And when I say three chords, I don’t mean three actual chords; I mean a fifth or bar-chord played on three different neck locations. For example, song 1 is played G-C-A-D and song 2 is played A-C-G-D. Slight variations on the same box chord progression make an entire record. It’s that simple. Since the song-writing process is so fucking simple, make sure to take drugs all the time to give yourself credibility. If you can’t deal with shooting heroin into your nutsack, just fake it. Your fans will buy it.

Step 4.) Make sure you wear punk-hip clothing when in public. Smoke a lot and don’t forget to sneer. Talk about anarchy even though you probably couldn’t spell it. Remember, swearing and safety pins prove to the world you’re an authentic punk. Dyed hair helps, as does an “I don’t give a shit” attitude even when some guy is fucking your ass like it’s a vagina. Also, get as many tacky star tattoos as possible.

Step 5.) Hang out at the mall all the time yet complain about consumerism and the lemming-like mentality of the general public. Make sure to hide the fact that you bought the last Pink album and “jam out” to it every night before bed.

Step 6.) Record a shitty demo at your friend’s house and pass it out. After a few weeks, other punks will be willing to blow you because you’re a punk rocker. The low quality of your demo makes your punkness more credible.

Step 7.) Play live shows from time to time. If you fuck up a song live, it’s ok. Just pretend you overdosed or something. Try to get booked to play concerts with a political agenda. Play at one of the Rock Against Bush concerts and call W. a fascist even though you don’t know anything about politics. Shit, for all you know America is a monarchy.

Step 8.) Whenever you get the chance to do an interview with the press, be completely incoherent and drugged up as possible. Your fans will think it’s cool. Mention the Sex Pistols and the Ramones.

Step 9.) Commit suicide because it will make you a legend. Don’t hesitate to suffer for your art.

That’s pretty much all you need to do to be a famous punker. Once you’re dead, your fans will talk about you like you were a god. There will be a thousand cover bands that dedicate their nightly set to your memory, and even more punker broads that claim they had sex with you before you died. Hollywood will probably make some gay movie about your band and your fans will visit your grave and dry-hump the six feet of dirt covering your puny body.

If this kind of life doesn’t appeal to you, you could always try to be a pretty-boy pop-punker. Blink 182 did it; it shouldn’t be that difficult to follow in their footsteps. After all, they were just lucky retards.