Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Random Floating Crap - The Orb Phenomenon Explained

Like many other people, I am interested in the paranormal. I think ghosts are damn interesting. I suppose I fall somewhere between believer and skeptic (duh). While I’ve seen some decent evidence of the paranormal, I’ve also seen a shitload of silly nonsense passed off as proof. When I think of illegitimate evidence of the paranormal, the first thing I think of is the orb phenomenon. Orbs are considered by some as a manifestation of some kind of ghostly activity, or at least some sort of energy being manifested. Others think orbs are nothing more than specs of dust, moisture, or some other particle catching the nearby light, often the flash from a camera, and showing up on film. I believe the latter orb explanation. Why? Because it’s just about as fucking obvious as anything could ever be.

Some people are apparently just so desperate they take a completely explainable and mundane occurrence and mentally warp it into some kind of incontrovertible visual evidence that ghosts exist. Here’s some advice: Knock it the fuck off! Paranormal investigators look crazy enough as it is without kooks like you running around dusty old houses at night claiming all the orbs in your photos are anything other than specs of dust.

In order to cut down on confusion once and for all, I have created this handy dandy list of shit that is NOT proof of paranormal activity. Next time you catch something on film you think is a ghost, check this list before you go public with it.

Orbs -

This shit is not proof of anything other than the existence of dust. Orbs can easily be recreated by shaking a dusty old carpet in a dark room and taking pictures of that area. Stop freaking out whenever there's a fucking spot in a picture you took. Unless an orb smacks you in the back of the head and has a conversation with you, I don't want to hear about it.

Freckles -

Similar to orbs, yet even less unusual. Some overeager ghosthunters out there might mistakenly catch some freckles on film and assume they were caused by a ghost. Truth is, melanin is a more likely culprit.

Headlights -

I know when you're all by yourself in the middle of the night, mind wandering, imagination on overdrive, it might be easy to mistake automobile headlights coming down the highway for some kind of glowing, hovering ghost energy. But before you freak out and start snapping photos, I suggest you listen for the sound of an engine. While ghosts have been known to make strange noises and speak from time to time, if you can't tell a set of headlights from a ghost, your head is too far up your ass.

Actual Ghost -

People have captured convincing apparitions of film before. There have also been a lot of unconvincing apparitions caught on film. If you think you see an apparition make sure it's not just a guy in a costume. Ask yourself this question, "Is today Halloween?" If you answered yes, chances are most of the ghosts you're seeing are people in costume. It's a dead giveaway when they come to your door asking for candy. The next question you should ask yourself is, "Is there any reason someone would be playing a joke on me?" If so, it's probably not a real ghost, just your drunken uncle Fred who wants to trick you into thinking he's a ghost so he can scare you away and watch pay-per-view porn on your digital cable. Because apparitions that are difficult to debunk are so rare, chances are you will never capture a legitimate apparition on film. Feel free to get depressed about life and kill yourself.


drunkbh said...

I actually know dipshits that are completely into this. I'm always tempted to set up some type of audio in their house and make it go off all hours of the night.

morbid misanthrope said...

Although ghost hunting can be a legitimate science, some people think every stupid thing is ghostly phenominon. These people beg to be screwed with. Go for it.