Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Random Stupid Asses

There are a lot of stupid asses out there. I just want to point out a few that have been pissing me off lately.

Jackasses that rave in the convenience store parking lot near my house: This is probably the dopiest thing I've ever seen. These clever fellows have found a way to have fun even though they're so lame they couldn't get invited to a rave. They decided to pack the rave up (them, their mom's shitty, old, faded, red Honda, and a tape with gay trance music) and take it with them to a stupid parking lot. Congratulations, you're hanging out in a parking lot on a Friday night. These three geniuses actually play their trance tape with the windows rolled down and dance around next to their car; twirling glow sticks around like a bunch of fairies for several hours at a time. They must have some idea of just how fucking ridiculous they look; but then again, they might just be idiots.

Stupid group of guys that rap to a beat CD in the convenience store parking lot near my house: These shit-eaters should meet up with the raver kids and have a parking lot party. Hell, they’re already hanging out in the same damn parking lot. These guys hang around their "pimped-out rides" (old trucks and SUV's with shiny rims) and take turns "free-styling" to a CD full of random drumbeats. It's terrible. "Professional" rappers suck as is, but there's something about a bunch of white guys struggling to rhyme "fo-shizzy" while flashing gang signs at each other in a parking lot that is especially awful.

Kids that hang out in front of the liquor/grocery store and try to get me to buy them shit they’re not old enough to have: Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for underage drinking and smoking, but I’m not going to put my ass on the line so some dipshit fourteen year old dressed like one of the morons from Good Charlotte can impress his girlfriend with wine coolers and Black & Milds. Lots of people have been busted in this area for buying for minors. It may have something to do with how they go about asking adults to get them liquor/smokes.

These stupid kids hang around in front of the store and watch you when you walk into the store. I go the back of the store to get my usual bottle of Evan Williams, and when I pay at the register I see two or three of these little idiots, looking in the window and pointing at me. That’s about as subtle as punching a cop in the mouth.

Now they know I’m old enough to buy them stuff, so as soon as I emerge from the store, barely before the automatic doors have had a chance to open, these overgrown fetuses swarm around me like I’m a pile of raw hams and they’re Rosie O’Donnell.

Kid 1: “Yo, Homie. Can you go in and buy us some booze and smokes?”
Me: “I thought being straightedge was in these days.”
Kid 1: “What?”
Me: “Never mind.”
Kid 2: “Dude, come on!”
Me: “Fuck off kid.”
Kid 3: (summons up some courage) “You’re a dick man.”
Me: “Yeah, and you’re a little shit. Get lost.”

Then they usually leave me alone, or they’ll follow me to my car threatening me until I threaten them back. What the fuck is it with kids these days? Back in my day, we minors were smarter than that. We’d either drink with some hobos, or crash some college party when all the college kids were too fucked up to know – or give a shit for that matter – who we were. We used to walk out of these parties with backpacks full of liquor. But kids these days, they’re a bunch of tactless nimrods.

Anti-smoking Nazis: Some of the anti-smoking people are loony-toons. I’ve actually seen someone driving pull over just to bitch at someone minding his own business smoking at the bus stop. Insanity. And if they’re not spending a fortune getting anti-smoking laws passed and pissing everyone off, they’re shooting dirty looks at smokers followed by snide comments about the evils of smoking. I myself have encountered a number of these people, even though I rarely leave my house. Here are a few of the things I’ve been told, followed by my smartass response.

Guy: “Smoking will kill you, you know?”
Me: “So will stress, so don’t worry about it.”

Guy: “Smoking kills!”
Me: “So does drinking gasoline. Fuck off.”

Lady: “Smoking causes cancer!”
Me: “For most people maybe, but my physiology is different from that of normal humans. What causes cancer in normal humans actually prevents me from getting cancer.

Lady: “I used to smoke you know, it is really bad for you. It will kill you. It would've killed me but I beat big tobacco and quit.”
Me: “Really? It'll kill me? (Take a smooth and satisfying drag on cigarette and exhale smoke happily) Boy that's smooth. I bet you miss that. How long has it been since you last smoked a cigarette? Gosh, one of these in the evening makes the stress from a busy day at work just disappear. Hey bitch, stop drooling and get off my lawn

That ought to shut them up, or at least piss them off. Maybe next time they'll think twice about fucking with a smoker minding his own business. Next time you're somewhere with no laws against smoking in public, and someone near you fake coughs to let you know they are an anti-smoker, light up five or six smokes at once, and blow all that smoke right in their face. It's not as satisfying as punching them right between the eyes, but it still works.

These are just a few of the random stupid asses pissing me off at the moment. There are plenty more, and I’m sure I’ll mention them at some point in the near future.


Willow said...

One of these days, an anti-smoker Nazi is going to piss of the wrong person; and that person is going to pull out a cigarette, which will really be a gun in disguise, and they're going to blow out the brains of the interfering ignoramous.

Victor said...

... sigh kids. Cant they just pay a homeless guy to do their little errands?

OR find friends old enough that will hook them up with drinks... (thnx DB) lol.

morbid misanthrope said...

willow - Even a lit cigarette to the forehead is quite painful, not to mention a bullet from a gun that looks like a cigarette.

morbid misanthrope said...

viczilla - I used to hang out with some cool, old-rocker hobos. We'd drink in an alley behind the liquor store and talk about how rock music isn't what it used to be. One guy had a busted old Fender Strat and a Pignose Amp and he used to rock out. Good times...

I didn't have older friends to buy me liquor until I was around 17, and joined a band with a 30-something burnout and an escaped mental patient. Needless to say, that didn't last very long and crashing parties was the easiest way to get booze.

badgerbob said...

Dude, that was funny as hell! Good rant.
I don't believe in senseless violence,...Ok, yes I do, but the fucking parents have to take a little bit of interest in what their kids are doing. I am not an advocate of beating kids , but the saying,"spare the rod, spoil the child" does make a good point. Being allowed to drink at home at a very young age didn't hurt me. I probably would have been an alcoholic anyway. My pa figured if you could do a man's work ,you could drink a man's beer, as long as you bought your own and left a couple for him.
I may have drifted off topic here, because I forgot what it was,but I ... OH yeah! Fuck rap and fuck rappers. Rap sucks!

drunkbh said...

I hate the people that bitch about smoking. If I'm not blowing it in your face back the hell off.

As bad as it is for my health, it's worse for the people that confront me about it.

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob - Thank you very much. I miss ranting as frequently as I used to.

I think it's a father's duty to teach his son/sons to drink. Otherwise, when the kids are old enough to drink in public, how are they going to handle themselves? They're going to drink too much, act like a moron, and most likely get beaten up by some crazy guy fresh out of prison.

Not me, man. My Dad didn't teach me to drink, but I made sure I learned. And when that crazy ex-con fucked with me, I kicked his drunk ass. Then I drank more. Then, something happened, and then I don't remember. All I know, is I left that bar with all my teeth.

drunkbh - No shit. I mean, smokers practically have to hide under large rocks to smoke legally.

While second hand smoke may be potentially harmful, it's certainly much less harmful than a bunch of smokers getting pissed and starting a riot because they're not allowed to smoke.

As the old saying goes, “back up off these nuts.” Or was it “deez nuts?” I can never remember.

badgerbob said...

Morb,that new profile picture kicks ass.

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob - It's the partial cover of Impaled's "Mondo Medicale" record. One of the less offensive covers too.

Randomactsofmadness said...

Morbid what a great rant!!!