There are a lot of stupid asses out there. I just want to point out a few that have been pissing me off lately.
Jackasses that rave in the convenience store parking lot near my house: This is probably the dopiest thing I've ever seen. These clever fellows have found a way to have fun even though they're so lame they couldn't get invited to a rave. They decided to pack the rave up (them, their mom's shitty, old, faded, red Honda, and a tape with gay trance music) and take it with them to a stupid parking lot. Congratulations, you're hanging out in a parking lot on a Friday night. These three geniuses actually play their trance tape with the windows rolled down and dance around next to their car; twirling glow sticks around like a bunch of fairies for several hours at a time. They must have some idea of just how fucking ridiculous they look; but then again, they might just be idiots.
Stupid group of guys that rap to a beat CD in the convenience store parking lot near my house: These shit-eaters should meet up with the raver kids and have a parking lot party. Hell, they’re already hanging out in the same damn parking lot. These guys hang around their "pimped-out rides" (old trucks and SUV's with shiny rims) and take turns "free-styling" to a CD full of random drumbeats. It's terrible. "Professional" rappers suck as is, but there's something about a bunch of white guys struggling to rhyme "fo-shizzy" while flashing gang signs at each other in a parking lot that is especially awful.
Kids that hang out in front of the liquor/grocery store and try to get me to buy them shit they’re not old enough to have: Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for underage drinking and smoking, but I’m not going to put my ass on the line so some dipshit fourteen year old dressed like one of the morons from Good Charlotte can impress his girlfriend with wine coolers and Black & Milds. Lots of people have been busted in this area for buying for minors. It may have something to do with how they go about asking adults to get them liquor/smokes.
These stupid kids hang around in front of the store and watch you when you walk into the store. I go the back of the store to get my usual bottle of Evan Williams, and when I pay at the register I see two or three of these little idiots, looking in the window and pointing at me. That’s about as subtle as punching a cop in the mouth.
Now they know I’m old enough to buy them stuff, so as soon as I emerge from the store, barely before the automatic doors have had a chance to open, these overgrown fetuses swarm around me like I’m a pile of raw hams and they’re Rosie O’Donnell.
Kid 1: “Yo, Homie. Can you go in and buy us some booze and smokes?”
Me: “I thought being straightedge was in these days.”
Kid 1: “What?”
Me: “Never mind.”
Kid 2: “Dude, come on!”
Me: “Fuck off kid.”
Kid 3: (summons up some courage) “You’re a dick man.”
Me: “Yeah, and you’re a little shit. Get lost.”
Then they usually leave me alone, or they’ll follow me to my car threatening me until I threaten them back. What the fuck is it with kids these days? Back in my day, we minors were smarter than that. We’d either drink with some hobos, or crash some college party when all the college kids were too fucked up to know – or give a shit for that matter – who we were. We used to walk out of these parties with backpacks full of liquor. But kids these days, they’re a bunch of tactless nimrods.
Anti-smoking Nazis: Some of the anti-smoking people are loony-toons. I’ve actually seen someone driving pull over just to bitch at someone minding his own business smoking at the bus stop. Insanity. And if they’re not spending a fortune getting anti-smoking laws passed and pissing everyone off, they’re shooting dirty looks at smokers followed by snide comments about the evils of smoking. I myself have encountered a number of these people, even though I rarely leave my house. Here are a few of the things I’ve been told, followed by my smartass response.
Guy: “Smoking will kill you, you know?”
Me: “So will stress, so don’t worry about it.”
Guy: “Smoking kills!”
Me: “So does drinking gasoline. Fuck off.”
Lady: “Smoking causes cancer!”
Me: “For most people maybe, but my physiology is different from that of normal humans. What causes cancer in normal humans actually prevents me from getting cancer.
Lady: “I used to smoke you know, it is really bad for you. It will kill you. It would've killed me but I beat big tobacco and quit.”
Me: “Really? It'll kill me? (Take a smooth and satisfying drag on cigarette and exhale smoke happily) Boy that's smooth. I bet you miss that. How long has it been since you last smoked a cigarette? Gosh, one of these in the evening makes the stress from a busy day at work just disappear. Hey bitch, stop drooling and get off my lawn
That ought to shut them up, or at least piss them off. Maybe next time they'll think twice about fucking with a smoker minding his own business. Next time you're somewhere with no laws against smoking in public, and someone near you fake coughs to let you know they are an anti-smoker, light up five or six smokes at once, and blow all that smoke right in their face. It's not as satisfying as punching them right between the eyes, but it still works.
These are just a few of the random stupid asses pissing me off at the moment. There are plenty more, and I’m sure I’ll mention them at some point in the near future.