Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Sound Advice

I haven’t had much free time to post lately, and today is no different. But, I stumbled upon a bit of advice I received years ago and it still makes perfect sense.

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. But, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the motherfucker upside the head.

Of course, for every bit of sound advice I’ve gotten over the years, two or three idiots thought they could be really cool and give me some bad advice. As I’ve noticed, most bad advice is disseminated by way of crappy bumper-sticker. Here is one such bumper sticker someone thought I would appreciate.

Life is short. Don’t be a dick.

Nice try, buttmunch; but life is too short and irritating to go around being nice to everyone. Which is why instead of graciously accepting the dopey bumper-sticker, I followed the good advice I was given previously and bitch-slapped the misinformed motherfucker. He’s lucky I didn’t tie the long hair on his head to the short hair on his nuts and kick his ass down the street.

You’d think he would have learned his lesson, but a few short weeks later, I noticed this gem on his bumper.

Stop pissing me off. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

It is my long-held theory that if you have to go around telling people how crazy and dangerous you are, you’re probably not that crazy and even less dangerous. The principle is the same when it comes to nu-metal bands. I can’t even count the number of these shitty bands who sing about how mentally unstable they are. Really? You’re crazy? Is that why you got that shitty tribal tattoo on your face, or are you really just a stupid asshole?

Point is, if you’re really fucked up in the head and dangerous to your fellow human beings, the only advertising you need is the live news coverage after you get arrested for eating three people and dry-humping corpses down at the cemetery. Chances are, no one who’s ever gone batshit crazy and murdered a bunch of people had a stupid bumper-sticker like that on his car. And if he did, it was partially acceptable because of the irony.

In summation, there’s no point fucking around when kicking someone’s ass would do the trick. Then again, there’s no point in going to jail for aggravated assault when you could just as easily call someone a dickless pansy and walk away. Or you can provoke someone until they hit you first; then it’s self-defense. Actually, in the lawsuit-happy society America has become, you’re probably just better off staying home and yelling at people on TV.


Victor said...

Its those type of situations that make me wish the us was a third world country. someone pisses you off? go ahead beat the shit out of him with a fucking rock. Sure they can call the cops... but the mutherfuckers might take an hour to get to the crime scene. but thats just wishful thinking.

Willow said...

Some of the wonderful advice that I received was: brushing your teeth with cigar ashes makes them white, dog saliva has a natural antibiotic so don't worry if he bites you, and the oldie but goodie, that table may look old and wobbly, but it'll hold your weight.

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Cigar ashes make your breath stink and get stuck between your teeth, dog bites don't heal well and the dog laughs at you ever day afterwards, and crashing to the floor on your head HURTS LIKE HELL and affects your ability to trust wooden furniture. The fucking furniture, as you later discover, is out to get you, is all around you, has you constantly under surveillance, and is planning stealth moves during the night so that it can trip you on the way to the bathroom.

badgerbob said...

Willow, I was joking when I told you that stuff.
Damn, maybe you really are a tree.
Morb, I think guns solve a lot of problems. We should have a hunting season for stupid people and rappers.

morbid misanthrope said...

viczilla - There have been many times that I would have loved to bash someone with a big rock, or punch someone in the throat but refrained in order to avoid lawsuits. In third world countries you may be able to get away with fucking someone up for a while, but god help you if the authorities do show up because they can do with you what they will. I suppose I'd prefer to walk away from a fight than get stoned to death by the people in charge.

willow - And all this time I thought I was tripping over furniture because I was too drunk to walk. It's good to know that my irresponsible drinking isn't the cause of all my ills.

badgerbob - I agree with you about guns. The great thing about it: oftentimes rappers are the stupid people.

I can't count the number of people I'd like to shoot on both hands - and not because I'm drunk either - because I'd like to shoot well over 11 1/2 people.

drunkbh said...

Thank you! Now, I know what to do. Since by nature I am lazy, it make more sense to use the least amount of muscle as possible. I like the theory but with my size a baseball bat would be more appropriate. I wonder how many muscles it takes to swing a bat.

morbid misanthrope said...

drunkbh - I don't know how many muscles it takes to crack someone with a bat. But I do know however many muscles it takes, it's totally worth the effort.

NewYorkMoments said...

The world would be a much better place if I could just get rid of all the people who piss me off.

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments - I say that several times every day myself.

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