Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Slipknot One Member Short

It was reported on recently, that Jim Root, one of Slipknot’s six guitarists, broke his wrist and would have to sit out the early part of the Subliminal Verses Tour. However, didn’t mention how Mr. Root broke his wrist. At first, I was just going to say he was injured while giving free hand-jobs at a drag queen convention, but I decided to meet with him and get the truth instead. What follows is my completely fictitious interview with Slipknot’s Jim Root.

Me: Hello, Mr. Root. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk with me.

Jim Root: No problem, I’d do anything for my fans.

Me: Anything, huh? Would you eat a big bowl of hyena buttholes for your fans?

Jim Root: Shit, I’d do that just because I love buttholes.

Me: No surprise there…anyway, I probably should point out that I’m not a Slipknot fan. In fact, I’m resisting the urge to shove that stupid mask up your ass and laugh right in your face.

Jim Root: You know what? My mom said the exact same thing last week. Just don’t hurt me.

Me: No promises, but I’ll try to be civil.

Jim Root: So what did you want to talk to me about?

Me: How did you break your wrist?

Jim Root: Well, me and the guys were horsing around in the shower after a show, and Corey was trying to put his finger in my ass, and – long story short – I slipped on the soap.

Me: So you broke your wrist in a homoerotic shower accident?

Jim Root: Come on! When you say it like that it sounds pretty gay.

Me: Dude, you fell while playing grabass in the shower with eight other guys.

Jim Root: I suppose it’s too late to say I broke my wrist fighting a bear, huh?

Me: You think?

Jim Root: Damn!

Me: Here’s another question. What’s with Stonesour? Being in one shitty band wasn’t enough for you?

Jim Root: Now you’re just being hurtful. I think you should leave.

Me: You are such a wuss.

That pretty much ended my interview. Before I left Mr. Root’s property, I took a moment to throw a rock through the driver’s side window of one of his cars and take a piss on his front seat. That was a pretty sweet day.


Victor said...

LOL you forgot to spray paint Arch Enemy in the hood of his car.

morbid misanthrope said...

viczilla - Or Decapitated. Seriously, Decapitated kicks ass.

drunkbh said...

I see that I'm outnumbered here. I like Slipknot.

Willow said...

There is something about a guy in a mask that's a complete fucking turnoff.

morbid misanthrope said...

drunkbh - I'm not trying to insult your taste in music. I'm just insulting Slipknot.

willow - Tell that to all the women Zoro has boned over the years.

Willow said...

Well a half mask on a face like Zorro is not quite the same as the psychotic, serial-killer behind the mask look that slipknot has going on. Combine that with their shitty music (sorry Drunkbh)and I'm creeped out.

morbid misanthrope said...

willow - And here I always thought women liked dangerous guys.

Willow said...

There's dangerous (possible risk of peril) and then there's deadly (guaranteed peril). A guy wearing a mask fall into the deadly category and is a definite no no.

morbid misanthrope said...

willow - In normal situations, a man wearing a mask for no good reason might be a bit of a warning sign. As for members of Slipknot, however, I doubt there's much to be afraid of.

Offstage, I'm sure they all sit around clad in pastel sundresses lazily reciting poetry to each other while indulging in low-fat, raspberry trifles. They’d sooner sniff a dandelion than slit a throat.

drunkbh said...

On the mask thing, I saw System Of A Down in concert without their masks. They should have left them on. It was scarier without them.

morbid misanthrope said...

drunkbh - I didn't realize they ever wore masks. I was of the impression that they were just really ugly and sounded shitty.

Willow said...

Hmm, really ugly with the mask, and really ugly without the mask. Maybe I'll let the music guide me.

morbid misanthrope said...

willow - What music? I thought we were talking about System of a Down and Slipknot. Oooohhh! Burn!