It was reported on blabbermouth.net recently, that Jim Root, one of Slipknot’s six guitarists, broke his wrist and would have to sit out the early part of the Subliminal Verses Tour. However, blabbermouth.net didn’t mention how Mr. Root broke his wrist. At first, I was just going to say he was injured while giving free hand-jobs at a drag queen convention, but I decided to meet with him and get the truth instead. What follows is my completely fictitious interview with Slipknot’s Jim Root.
Me: Hello, Mr. Root. Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to talk with me.
Jim Root: No problem, I’d do anything for my fans.
Me: Anything, huh? Would you eat a big bowl of hyena buttholes for your fans?
Jim Root: Shit, I’d do that just because I love buttholes.
Me: No surprise there…anyway, I probably should point out that I’m not a Slipknot fan. In fact, I’m resisting the urge to shove that stupid mask up your ass and laugh right in your face.
Jim Root: You know what? My mom said the exact same thing last week. Just don’t hurt me.
Me: No promises, but I’ll try to be civil.
Jim Root: So what did you want to talk to me about?
Me: How did you break your wrist?
Jim Root: Well, me and the guys were horsing around in the shower after a show, and Corey was trying to put his finger in my ass, and – long story short – I slipped on the soap.
Me: So you broke your wrist in a homoerotic shower accident?
Jim Root: Come on! When you say it like that it sounds pretty gay.
Me: Dude, you fell while playing grabass in the shower with eight other guys.
Jim Root: I suppose it’s too late to say I broke my wrist fighting a bear, huh?
Me: You think?
Jim Root: Damn!
Me: Here’s another question. What’s with Stonesour? Being in one shitty band wasn’t enough for you?
Jim Root: Now you’re just being hurtful. I think you should leave.
Me: You are such a wuss.
That pretty much ended my interview. Before I left Mr. Root’s property, I took a moment to throw a rock through the driver’s side window of one of his cars and take a piss on his front seat. That was a pretty sweet day.