Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Olaf and his Magical Spear, Ansgar!

Blabbermouth.net recently reported that a woman in Norway was attacked by an enraged neighbor wielding a spear.

In May, a female student was having a hard time studying for an upcoming exam due to a neighbor’s blaring metal music. I’m not sure what band the guy was blasting, but because they rule, I’m just going to say he was listening to In Aeternum.

Anyway, she decided to go over to the guy’s place and bitch at him until he turned the music down. Well, I bet she just about shit her knickers when the guy responded by grabbing a nearby spear. There were no direct quotes from anyone involved included in the Blabbermouth.net article, so any direct quotes refer to what I heard in my head when I pictured this incident.

The spear-brandishing metalhead then growled, “By Odin’s nut-sack! You have no right to address the mighty Olaf and his magical spear, Ansgar!” At this point, the shocked and terrified female student screamed “Fuck me with a frozen turnip,” and took off running like a naked lesbian at an erection parade.

Of course, Olaf chased after her, cutting her finger with the spear in the process. Fortunately for the mildly wounded lady, she was able to get into her room and lock the door before Olaf could do any more damage.

The police arrived on the scene and found Olaf sitting on the steps still holding his spear. For fuck’s sake Olaf, haven’t you ever heard of getting rid of evidence? I guess, however, it would be somewhat difficult to effectively get rid of a spear by chucking it into some bushes. At this point things get interesting (or continue being interesting, really). Good ol’ Olaf can’t go quietly. According to the Blabbermouth.net article the police were forced to use a police dog, clubs, and pepper spray to disarm and subdue the maniacal metalhead.

Since then, our friend Olaf has been sentenced to forty-two days in prison. He has also attributed, at least in part, the eighteen beers he drank to his violent behavior. I wonder if he was drinking the beer out of the hollow skulls of his vanquished foes.

Frankly, I’m surprised Olaf’s weapon of choice was a spear. I kind of figured he would have had a spiked club or a battleaxe. Also, I kind of picture him wearing a Viking helmet and a large Mjolner necklace.

12 comments:

drunkbh said...

This is hilarious. I especially liked the part about the lesbian in an erection parade. Seriously, it's walking penises like this guy that give metal a bad name.

morbid misanthrope said...

drunkbh - I figured you'd like the lesbian/erection parade simile. That guy does give metalheads a bad name, but at the same time it's kind of a funny part of the whole metal scene. I just wish everyone else would realize random freaks like "Olaf" don't represent the metal community as a whole. I mean, if all metalheads were violent psychopaths, there wouldn't be any bands or fans because they'd all be in jail.

Victor said...

LMAO was he wearing a winged barbarian helmet? lol oh god tahts too funny. WOuld have been funnier if he allowed the lady the run for about a couple feet then threw his spear and impaled her against the wall (no pun intended)

HMmm also if he could have obtaied a white war horse, with a cape he should have paraded around town screaming im ODIN as hes cutting peoples ears off lol just a thought.

morbid misanthrope said...

rude - Yeah really. I guess he wasn't serious about killing her or he would have thrown the spear. And every viking should have a war horse and a cape. If not, at the very least they need a large wooden ship powered by the rowing of their captives.

Victor said...

LOL i know. Hmm i think thats what i want to see on the news... im gonna wish for that on my bday. I want to see a 6'5 barbarian runninga around with a battle axe splittin people in half; as he claims to be Odin lol and hes upset cuz he missplaced his horse.

Slutbag said...

i prefer to carry throwing stars. they fit in my purse better. but, i learned i should strap them to my leg instead cause i keep condoms in my purse. and we all know, pointy stars and condoms don't mix.

morbid misanthrope said...

rude - The barbarian should also have a sweet beard, a big torch (for razing small huts of course), and a boom box blasting either "Ride of the Valkyries" or that "Viking Metal" band Einherjer.

This incident reminds me of the time that guy in Australia went nuts and thought he was an immortal from the Highlander TV/Movie series and stood in a busy intersection holding up traffic and swinging a broadsword around. The cops had to fuck him up to get him to calm down. A barbarian, however, would be even cooler.

slutbag - Shuriken do indeed kick ass. you could take the head off of a poodle with some of those sumbitches. I don't carry a purse so I rely on ancient ninja secrets to carry the shuriken in my pocket without getting cut by them. Of course condoms and ninja stars don't mix; who's going to be afraid of anyone throwing ninja stars with condoms on them?

NewYorkMoments said...

I'd like to know if he was wearing a sealskin loincloth.

Hulabelly said...

I love a good Viking.

Willy Jo said...

you sum kinda dum quar er sumthing?

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments - I can't be sure if it was sealskin, but I'm sure it was some kind of loincloth. He's a viking after all.

hullabelly - Who doesn't?

willy jo - I ain't no quar! You tha one with yer ass a' hangin' out o' yer breeches. Watch what you say else I'll fill yer skull with lead just like tha squirrel I ate for lunch.

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