Wednesday, January 18, 2006

An Old Experiment

Here's another one of my old posts. What can I say? I like science and hate gothic kids.

This is a question that has been wracking my brain for quite some time. I've beaten up plenty of gothic kids in my day, but I never pay much attention when I'm hitting them. Honestly, it's like I'm on auto-pilot. For example, one day I was walking along, minding my own business, when I noticed a wimpy looking gothic kid in a long black trench coat. I thought nothing of it at first; I mean, I chuckled a bit when I saw him because he looked so fucking stupid, but other than that, it was no big deal.

As we passed each other he looked at me, bared his stick-on fangs and hissed at me. Without thinking, I instantly reacted by punching him right between the eyes. I just kept walking too, there was no need to stop. As I walked away, I heard him whimpering (that'll teach him to come out in the daytime I thought). I heard that, but I don't remember the sound he made when my fist connected with his face. Could it have been a squeak? That is what I plan on finding out.

TEST SUBJECT 1: A skinny gothic guy, with his head shaved except for his bangs, wearing a trench coat, and Marilyn Manson shirt with torn pants and knee high leather boots.I approached him, ready to aid science yet again. I had to make sure to listen carefully and not start laughing until a few seconds after I hit him. As we passed each other going in different directions, I extended my arm to neck-level, brutally clotheslining the wimpy goth right in the throat. RESULTS: There was a definite cracking sound, as well as a shocked gagging noise expelled from the test subject's throat. No obvious squeak was heard, but a clear squeak could have potentially been muffled by other sounds caused by the violent forearm to the throat. ANALYSIS: Unclear. More tests to follow.

TEST SUBJECT 2: A big, stupid-looking guy with black jeans, black t-shit, and black lipstick.For this test I decided to be more direct. I walked up to the lumbering, effeminate buffoon and kicked him in the shins. When he fell to the ground, I kicked him in the gut three times, followed by a quick stomp to the groin, just because I thought it would be funny. RESULTS: Many sounds were clear in this test. The most prevalent sound was crying and begging for mercy. I ignored all of that and tried to hear the more subtle sounds. I heard no squeaking, but there was some wheezing that could have been mistaken for squeaking to an untrained scientist. ANALYSIS: Unclear. The next test's results will provide a conclusive answer.

TEST SUBJECT 3: An ugly, fat broad, wearing a shitty black dress with fishnet sleaves, sporting a gnarly, dreadlocked mullet and thick black makeup.Considering this subject is a female, I decided to try hitting her open fisted. The ol' bitch slap beating for this tub-o-depressed-lard. I walked up to her smiling, and proceeded to repeatedly slap her across her fat face. The slapping sound combined with her pathetic whimpering was so loud that any squeaking present would have been inaudible. So I changed my attack by punching her several times in the stomach. RESULTS: When slapping the subject, if there was any squeaking, it was hidden by the loud smacking noise. While punching subject 3 in the stomach several noises similar to squeaking escaped her mouth, but it was later determined that noise was wheezing caused by the subject trying to catch the wind knocked out of her by my relentless blows to her gut.

ANALYSIS: After extensive testing, it would appear that goths do not squeak when you hit them.

There you have it. Another one of life's mysteries solved. Science has progressed and new knowledge is being spread. It is a great day for science, and a great day for me.

26 comments:

drunkbh said...

I remember this one. It does predate when I found you blog. I read back to this one.

Willow said...

Morbid said, An ugly, fat broad, wearing a shitty black dress with fishnet sleaves, sporting a gnarly, dreadlocked mullet and thick black makeup...The ol' bitch slap beating for this tub-o-depressed-lard

For the love of God, Morbid, get yourself a pair of hip and happening glasses, will ya? That wasn't a woman, that was Tiara George, the Transexual Goth, who was quite pleased with that bitch slapping that you gave her/him and now wants more.

morbid misanthrope said...

drunkbh - Back in my younger days I was a violent little bastard. I still hate gothic kids...and vampires. I really haven't changed all that much I guess.

willow - Actually, though Tiara George and this goth look very similar, this particular gothic girl really was a girl and was dating the guitar player of the band I was in at the time. I think the two of them moved to the midwest and became junkies...or they're just dead. I don't know. That band sucked and I quit without keeping in touch with anyone.

jungle jane said...

you are wrong. they do squeak when you hit them. you just have to make sure that you do it with a nail gun.

morbid misanthrope said...

jungle jane - A nail gun, eh? I never thought of that. Back when this experiment was conducted, I was all about drunken, violent, brute force. Essentially, I was limited by my mental state to nothing more interesting than apish bludgeoning. It was still fun though.

jungle jane said...

ohhhhhhhh morbid if ever you come to australia look me up. i will take you on a nail gun bender. you won't be able to sit down for a week afterwards, i tell ya.

honkeie2 said...

Tooooo funny, next try gang bangers. Lets do a test to see which ones squeek-bloods, crips or latino kings. I would put my money on the bloods.

morbid misanthrope said...

jungle jane - Thanks for the offer, but my job requires me to sit in front of a computer for long periods of time. So that whole not sitting for a week thing is not only a rather unpleasant idea, it's also impractical.

honkeie2 - I hate gang bangers as well. From my experiences with various gang banger types, I would say they drool more than anything else. Problem is, they get fifty of their buddies and shoot your house full of holes later that day. Fuckin' assholes.

jungle jane said...

morbid:
are you not even mildly curious to find out whether or not you squeak?

morbid misanthrope said...

jungle jane - I'm pretty sure I don't squeak. In fact, I've been beaten up enough times to know I don't squeak. Usually, I slur curse words and try to sing Decapitated lyrics.

Mike said...

Great post and great Blog!

morbid misanthrope said...

mike - Thanks. But I think I better inform you that my blog is full of carcinogens and insanity. Reading it may be bad for your health. I'm no Surgeon General, but I sometimes feel obligated to warn people anyway.

Slutbag said...

doesn't everyone squeak at one time or another?

morbid misanthrope said...

slutbag - I don't think so. In fact, macho types like myself and Steven Segal never squeak. We sputter and wheeze occasionally, but we never squeak.

Polyman2 said...

It's refreshing to hear
this kind of bashing;
reminds me back in the day
when men were men and...Goths?
well, you know
what I mean!

morbid misanthrope said...

polyman2 - I am quite the fan of bashing. Honestly, some people just need to be bashed. It's that whole circle of life thing, really. Thanks for reading this post. I'll be sure to mercilessly bash another subculture/bunch of fucktards in the near future.

Polyman2 said...

To bash or not to bash,
that is the question...

morbid misanthrope said...

polyman2 - Alas poor gothic, I bashed him well.

Polyman2 said...

Then, so be it;
The sons must pay
for the sins
of the father.

morbid misanthrope said...

polyman2 - Not if the son changes his name and moves to Venezuela.

Polyman2 said...

Is that by Ohio?

morbid misanthrope said...

polyman2 - It could be. I don't know. My geeografy int as well as my gramer and spellling.

song said...

can I do further tests? just to make sure?

morbid misanthrope said...

song - Go right ahead. In science, it's very important to repeat every experiment for more conclusive results.

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