Saturday, January 14, 2006

Another from the Vault

Here is yet another old post because I'm too busy to write something new. This is pretty damn old. In fact, I wrote this long before I was on or geocities or any other website. I posted it around the seven internets way back to see what people would think - big surprise, they were fucking pissed. I got a lot of hate mail for this one. Interestingly enough, I got more hate mail when I called the Deftones nu-metal. Go figure. Anyway, here it is (completely un-edited even though the errors torment me like splinters under my fingernails). One of my favorites - Helpful Hints for Aspiring Stigmatists.

Want to be a Saint? Want to be considered a living miracle? Are you incredibly stupid? If so, the stigmata is for you. Stigmata is defined as bodily marks, sores, or sensations of pain corresponding in location to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus. Stigmatists often suffer open, bloody wounds that cause them pain and inconvenience at the very least. It's ok though because it is supposedly a blessing from God. Before you go on your way to becoming a stigmatist, I'd like to give you a few helpful hints that will make the experience all the more believable and enjoyable.

STEP 1: COMPLETELY DISREGARD HISTORICAL ACCURACY-- The most common stigmatic appearance is of holes, or bloody marks through the palm of the hand where Jesus was nailed to the cross. Historical accounts have shown that people were not nailed to the cross by their palms, the nail was driven between the small bones of the wrist, the radial and ulna bones, because the hand cannot support the weight of a human body. So remember, when you first decide to become a stigmatist, poke holes in your hand. Were you to be historically accurate, it would be obvious that you were a fake.

STEP 2: BE A GOOD FUCKING LIAR-- It is a common misconception that the stigmata must be visual. Well, if you're too much of a pussy to put holes in yourself, I have good news for you. If you're a really good faker, you don't even have to have visual proof of the wounds of Christ. In 1373, St. Catherine of Sienna claimed to feel the pain of Christ's crucifixion in her hands and feet but never bled or showed physical signs of the wounds. Thousands of people bought it; they called it an invisible stigmata. If you're going to try this, you should practice lying into a mirror. Practice saying things like, "ow", "ouch", and "Oh, the pain, the wonderful blessed pain". Make it convincing.

STEP 3: HAVE A VAGINA-- Throughout history, there have been more female stigmatists than male stigmatists. At one point, for every male stigmatist, there were seven female stigmatists. Most people chalk this up to the fact that women are more open to spiritual activity because they are more in touch with their emotions. I think the truth is obvious. Women are good liars (See STEP 2). They also tend to crave attention much more than men. What better way to get attention than to walk around with bloody, open wounds. When Britney Spears' popularity wanes, she could easily follow St. Catherine's example to raise her level of popularity.

STEP 4: TAKE A SHIT LOAD OF DRUGS FIRST-- In many cases of stigmata, the wounds of Christ appear on the stigmatist after they experience states of religious ecstacy or hysteria. So, if you're not a good enough liar to fake a seizure, you still have a shot at becoming a world famous stigmatist. Simply ingest a shit-load of PCP, LSD, Angel Dust, or any combination of these or other crazy drugs. This should lead to some sort of bizarre behavior which idiots will believe is religious hysteria. When you start coming down from the zany high, start staring at your hands and feet saying, "Oh man, does this look like a nail-hole to you guys".

STEP 5: SURROUND YOURSELF WITH RELIGIOUS IDIOTS, ESP. CATHOLICS-- Catholics are usually the people to receive or at least revere the stigmata. They like to endure pain and suffering for God. They are also prone to believing any stupid thing they see. Hell, you should get an idea of how stupid they are just based on the fact that they listen to the pope. Anyway, Catholicism is like an incubator for suckers, so head to a catholic church and start making friends.

STEP 6: ACT REALLY PIOUS-- When you're a stigmatist, you have to act really holy and afflicted. Try to look really tired and feeble but still make lots of public appearances where you bless everyone in sight. Try to sound kind of deep or cryptic when you speak. Constantly mention your visions of Christ's death on the cross, catholics love that.

STEP 7: BE VERY THOROUGH-- If you want to be really convincing, you have to make your wounds look really good. The catholic church is really anal about this kind of thing and they'll check your wounds for things like puss, and signs of healing. Your wounds must look fresh at all times. This requires being really deicated because you have to keep re-injuring yourself. It might even require driving a nail through your hands every morning. Make sure there is a lot of blood too; a blood-free wound screams fraud.

STEP 8: TIE UP THE LOOSE ENDS-- If you can pull off the stigmata for the rest of your life, you're pretty much set; BUT, the catholic church will probably check your stigmata when you're dead because they don't trust people very easily. One way to deal with this last test, is to let your wounds heal completely near the end of your life (do whatever it takes to minimize scarring). You'll have to hide your hands, feet, side etc. but if you've been a stigmatist long enough people will believe you have Christ's wounds even if they don't see them every time you make an appearance. After your death, when the catholic church checks your hands and feet and see that there is no stigmata, you'll be golden. They assume that after death, the stigmata is taken off of the individual because he/she can no longer use it (Like taking expensive jewlery off of a corpse).

Congratulations, you're an asshole who spent his/her entire life lying to people for the attention and adoration you think you deserve. I hope you feel good about yourself you dick head, you've perpetuated a disgusting farse that should have died a long time ago. Thanks to people like you, the catholic church can easily continue its corrupt mission, enslaving and robbing millions of people too stupid to see the ridiculousness of the situation. You're a bastard.


drunkbh said...

It's an interesting fact that the ratio of women to men is 7 to 1.

Yeah, women do crave attention.

This reminds me of a book I just finished. Angels & Demons.

jungle jane said...

surely step 6 follows step 4 anyhow? and i thought that stigmata were out of fashion? i thought its all about buying toast of ebay that looks like the virgin mary's vagina?

willow said...

I Win! I hit the jackpot! I've won the sweepstakes! I'm a Catholic, I have a vagina, and I am happy to admit and take great pride in being a Fucking Great Liar. I will also be injesting some drugs later on this evening, so I can be expected to have a vision or two; and I will be leaving a comment later for Badgerbob, a known religious idiot.

Gimme my prize!

morbid misanthrope said...

drunkbh - I read that book as well. It was ok. I do want to punch Dan Brown for the Davinci code; not that it's a bad book, but all the retards out there that believe it like it's 100% true get on my nerves.

jungle jane - That reminds me - I have a potato chip that was the actual spear tip the centurion used to pierce Jesus' side. Before I sell it on ebay, I'd like to offer you a chance to purchase it. I'll give you a fair price. Honest...

willow - Wow. You're a stigmatist just waiting to happen. I don't have any prize to offer you - although I would be willing to accuse you of witchcraft and burn you at the stake - but tricking thousands of silly Catholics into believing you're a pious, holy sign from God is a prize in itself.

Willow said...

Unfortunately my Mother, a religious fanatic, is still a holdout. She hasn't bought into the whole, "Willow is a pious, holy sign from God," scenario.

I think my many years of constant training to be a "Fucking Great Liar," left her with the wrong impression. Oh well!

morbid misanthrope said...

willow - She'll probably come around one day. God willing, that is.

jungle jane said...

Morbid if you have the nails that were used on the cross i would be interested??

morbid misanthrope said...

jungle jane - I think I have a few "Passion of the Christ" nail necklaces around here somewhere. I believe I lifted them from a Christian bookstore after they refused to tell me if they carried any books on summoning and controling demons... I also have a large railroad spike I found behind a liquor store. I once used it to destroy a surfboard in protest of stoner surfers sleeping through college art classes. I'd be willing to sell them for fair prices or trade them for autographed 8x10's of Bob Saget.

jungle jane said...

Morbid i don't have pictures of Bob Saget but i am willing to send you a poster of my arse?

Is a "Passion of Christ" necklace similar to a pearl necklace?

Willow said...

If you're receiving "bum" pictures Morbid, I can send you a picture of Badgerbob's arse too. It's a dandy shot.

morbid misanthrope said...

jungle jane - Thanks, but no. I don't really have any use for arse posters. And if I wanted an arse poster, I'd just put up a picture of Ted Kenedy. Zing!

willow - I don't have any desire to look at badger ass. However, the folks at PETA would probably love to jerk off, I mean study badger's hind end.

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