Thursday, May 04, 2006

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is a Pussy
















A video has just been released that features the confused, bearded bitch, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, trying—and failing—to properly operate a gun. The video also shows Zarqawi wearing “American tennis shoes.” Apparently we’re decadent Western infidels that deserve to die, but our tennis shoes are good enough for cowardly terrorists who know more about making stupid little videos than firing guns. Zarqawi is such a pussy.

Anyway, I’ve seen the video a few times, but I couldn’t understand a word Zarqawi was saying. It’s obvious he couldn’t fire his gun without the help of one of his butt buddies, but I wanted to know exactly what was being said. So, in the interest of good journalism, I tracked down a transcript of the video.

Video Transcript
Zarqawi: You sinful American pig-dogs will face my wrath! Through me, Allah will express his mighty vengeance! You will feel my righteous indignation with each bullet that rips through your infidel flesh!

Gun: BANG…click…click…click, click, click…

Zarqawi: What the…which one of you mask-wearing camel fuckers touched this gun? Huh? Which one of you?

Others: (Silent)

Zarqawi: Somebody better speak up otherwise I’ll chastise all of you! That’s right; you better be scared. I will strip you all naked and whip your bare asses with piss-soaked palm leaves while tickling your nuts with my beard! Well, not you, Amir; don’t think I haven’t seen the way you look at Tariq when he’s cleaning his gun.

Amir: (loosens his burgundy-colored ascot nervously)

Zarqawi: Okay, look, whatever, guys. Forget it. We’re trying to make video gold here. Allah, help us. We must focus. You (points), Jamal Hakeem al-Jafar, come over here and fix this thing!

Terrorist: (confused) Are you talking to me?

Zarqawi: No, I’m talking to Mohammad’s nine-year-old wife, Aisha. Of course I’m talking to you!

Terrorist: I am not Jamal Hakeem al-Jafar. I am Haroud Hazi al-Bin.

Zarqawi: (surprised) No shit? Then who in the infidel’s hell is Jamal Hakeem al-Jafar?

Terrorist: (waves) That would be me.

Zarqawi: I thought you were Iago Aghoul al-Ayam.

Terrorist: No, we killed him last week. I can’t remember why. Did he piss the name of god into the desert sand? No. Maybe he wiped his ass with his right hand. Is that sin punishable by death? I can never remember.

Zarqawi: Shut up! Shut up, all of you! This is too confusing. Does everyone here have al- in their names?

Terrorists: (all nod)

Zarqawi: (sigh) Here’s what we’re going to do: I’m going to call all of you al. If you’re the al I’m referring to, I will point at you. Does everyone understand? Okay, good. Now, someone get the fuck over here and help me fix this gun!

Terrorist: (fixes the gun) Dude, have you ever even fired one of these things before?

Zarqawi: For the sake of this video I’m going to ignore that little comment, Jamal.

Terrorist: I’m Haroud, sir.

Zarqawi: Shut up.

(Zarqawi fires gun, yells a bunch of unintelligible gibberish about infidels, Allah, Jihad, etc. You know the drill. They finish up the video and begin walking away.)

Terrorist: Whoa, Zarqawi! Those sneakers are tits, man!

Zarqawi: I know. With these radical kicks, I will surely score with eighty virgins when they see me in paradise!

Terrorist: You know you have to be a martyr before you can enter paradise, right?

Zarqawi: I know, I know. I’m building up to it. Now come on! For tonight, we eat couscous and dirt!

All: HOORAY!



20 comments:

Willow said...

Zarqawi: ... I will strip you all naked and whip your bare asses with piss-soaked palm leaves while tickling your nuts with my beard!

By all that's diabolical, I hope that the next time Abu-Pussy-Ahkbar-Abu puts on his fruity loafers and dances toe to toe with his favorite camel, that the camel burps in his face, spits in his eye, and pisses in his mouth before giving him the deadly Hoof Up The Ass that Abu-Pussy-Ahkbar-Abu so richly deserves.

p.s. That was hilarious Morb.

morbid misanthrope said...

willow -- Very well said, willow. You know, one day the camels will tire of getting fucked by terrorists. That day will be a day of reckoning. It will be Camel Armageddon. Hopefully, they'll put it on tv. I'd pay to see camels killing terrorists.

NewYorkMoments said...

This is the best post EVER!!!

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- I'm very glad my journalistic integrity matters to you. As a journalist, so often I am asked to sensationalize or exaggerate a story. I never do, of course, so it's really rewarding when someone appreciates my honesty in reporting.

NewYorkMoments said...

Au contraire, I just assumed that you were holding back a bit on this one. You obviously left out the part where they all fucked each other up the ass & then gangbanged all of the camels hoping that one of them would shit out Allah's reincarnation.

J Holden said...

i'm sure there are tons of people who feel similarly...

but what i wouldn't give for 10 minutes in a cage with that guy, with nothin but our fists as weapons

excuse my language...but i would fuck his shit up

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- Good point. I'll have to make sure to be more vulgar next time. I must be slipping in my old age.

j holden -- That's quite alright. Foul language is highly encouraged here. I do hope you'll be able to brutalize the pig fucker. Make sure to hit once for me.

just thinking said...

j holden-- i'm shocked *gasp*

J Holden said...

yea, i figured that if i was gonna unleash some of them bad words, it should be here. i'll do ya one better, morbid, i'll hit him twice for you.

JT - i know, i apologize. this guy just brings out a lot of anger in me.

morbid misanthrope said...

j holden -- I can't wait to see pictures of him dead on the news. You know, like that glorius day they announced Uday and Qusay had been killed.

Willow said...

Morbid said, one day the camels will tire of getting fucked by terrorists. That day will be a day of reckoning. It will be Camel Armageddon

I visualize Camel Armageddon (and that in itself shows that I'm more disturbed than I thought) as 1000 of the foulest camels dropping their camel dung in a huge pile and then dragging humans through it, all the while baring their ugly, yellow teeth in a sinister smile while they snickering among themselves and start building the fire for the barbeque.

badgerbob said...

willow said...I visualize Camel Armageddon (and that in itself shows that I'm more disturbed than I thought...
Willow, that's just what I have been saying all along.
Morb, fucking funny commentary dude. I hope they catch that fucker , and beat the crap out of him,before turning him in.
welllll, I'm off to chop down a tree. Later...

Polyman2 said...

We need to quicken
his trip to paradise.

morbid misanthrope said...

willow -- Don't forget spitting. Camels love spitting.

badgerbob -- I hope they catch him, beat the shit out of him, and force him to watch every Barbara Streisand movie ever made to see how long he can go before he swallows his own tongue and dies -- a truly humiliating, painful death that is also hilarious to watch I'm sure.

polyman2 -- I'd like to send him to whatever eternally burning sewer functions as hell in the afterlife.

no one said...

I really enjoyed the use of "Dude" in this post.very cool!

honkeie2 said...

Terrorist: Whoa, Zarqawi! Those sneakers are tits, man!
The word 'tits' sent me balling on the floor. this is my new word hahaaha.
This post was just to funny, but I would have loved to have seen the video.

morbid misanthrope said...

wax lion -- Until I got this transcript, I was completely unaware that terrorists used the word "dude." Live and learn, eh? Remember this little factoid; it might be a question on Jeopardy one day.

honkeie2 -- And here I thought if terrorists used that kind of language they'd be killed...even though they can beat the shit out of their women, Allah forbid they use the word "tits."

Anyway, the video isn't nearly as entertaining without the transcript, but I think you can see snippets of Zarqawi unable to fire his own gun at http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,194260,00.html and many other websites.

NewYorkMoments said...

This is still my favorite posting EVER.

Cherry! said...

HAHAHAHA! OMG! That is hilarious!

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- Thank you. I'm hoping they'll put me on the news so I can continue to report such news.

cherry! -- who knew terrorists were such asshats? Silly fuckers.