Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The Da Vinci Code

The Da Vinci Code isn’t even out in theaters yet, but religious types—Catholics in particular—are already pissed off about it. Many Catholic leaders in silly outfits are urging their respective flocks to avoid the blasphemous (or heretical depending on who you ask) movie like the French avoid bathing and manners.

Speaking of the French, they’re hardly raving about The Da Vinci Code at the Cannes Film Festival. Most of the Frenchies who saw the movie were blasé about the film at best. Clearly, the French are not impressed. The movie must not have contained any mimes or anti-American snootiness.

While all the brouhaha the movie is generating is mildly irritating, I am more irritated by the dumb-fucks out there who believe all the claims the book/movie makes. Yeah, it’s kind of an interesting idea, but it’s a fictional story for fuck’s sake. It’s a made-up story based on stuff that kinda’ sorta’ happened but not really. And, of course, the rest is purely conjecture, or as I call it in this case, fiction.

I remember when the book first came out. Many of the brainless simpletons I had to go to college with were saying stupid shit like, “Ohmygod! I can’t believe this. Jesus was married and had a kid!” and “Well, I knew all along that the Catholic Church was hiding shit from the rest of us.” If you’re referring to pedophilia, you’re right. If, on the other hand, you’re referring to a bloodline started with Jesus and Mary Magdalene, you’re probably nuttier than Elton John’s breath.

A lot of the stuff in the book is bullshit. For example, The Dossiers Secrets, which supposedly contain a genealogy of Merovingian royalty and a whole mess of secret information about the Priory of Sion, are phonier than a Bill Clinton apology. Pierre Plantard, an anti-semitic, French wingnut who believed he was the true king of France, made it all up (with the documented help of a few other people). The Dossiers Secrets was a major source of information for the book Holy Blood, Holy Grail, which, in turn, was one of Dan Brown’s sources when he wrote The Da Vinci Code.

Don’t even get me started on Da Vinci’s The Last Supper. Mary Magdalene is not in the painting. Anyone who has taken even a remedial art history class can tell you the figure in the painting is John; he is often portrayed looking more feminine than Boy George on heavy doses of estrogen (see Fra Angelico's The Last Supper). And all that claptrap about the “V” or “sacred feminine” between Jesus and “Mary Magdalene” in the painting is rubbish only female scholars desperate to validate their silly feminist views through “strong women” in history would blather about.

I appreciate conspiracy theories as much as if not more than the next guy, but I’ve read about alien abductions and Chupacabra attacks with more credible evidence than The Da Vinci Code. It’s a work of fiction. There’s no mystery about it.

And while there is plenty of evidence to prove this, many people—probably because they’re jackasses—still hold on to the idea that The Da Vinci Code reveals some great secret that has been covered up by the Catholic Church for thousands of years. All in all, The Da Vinci Code holds about as much water as a broken dime-store quirtgun.

But for all the doubting Thomases out there that still think The Da Vinci Code is more than a work of fiction, I went to the source and asked Jesus if He married and conceieved a child with Mary Magdalene. Here’s what He had to say:

18 comments:

Dave Lucas said...

The Da Vinci Code is a movie based on a NOVEL. Fantasy. Period!I've blogged about it too!

Willow said...

I am so FUCKING, FUCKING, FUCKING sick of all this Da Vinci Code crap!

The book was stupid, people. It stank! There were a couple of intriguing moments where he mentions some interesting possibilities but on the whole the main character was a stumbling, bumbling, fucking idiot.

I think most of the people who read the book and raved about it are not avid readers or they would have realized that it's not a well-written book. I read better books than that on a daily basis.

As for the movie, since I don't particularly care for Tom Hanks as an actor, and because I think that his new hairdo is gay, gay, fucking gay; I am duty-bound as a woman of taste to boycott this film.

honkeie2 said...

Damnit, another person has figured it out! If this keeps up all the tourist money generated will soon die out and I wont be able to hock crappy fake relic parts for cash. I got a splinter of the cross, some pubes of Judist and a hang nail of some poop (pope).

morbid misanthrope said...

dave lucas -- Good point. And good post.

willow -- If you liked The Da Vinci Code so much, I'm sure you'll love Angels and Demons, the book that preceded The Da Vinci Code and starred the same bumbling hero.

honkeie2 -- You'll always be able to sell a bunch of junk as holy relics. There is certainly no shortage of rubes out there. Besides, if all else fails, just claim you have a statue of Mary that cries or something. You'll be money after that.

Willow said...

I wasn't able to read Angels and Demons because of my utter distain for Dan. Although it seemed better written, two chapters into the book I was compelled to set it on fire and dance the dirty boogie until it was ashes.

morbid misanthrope said...

willow -- I only read Angels & Demons because I was flying back from New York--quite a long flight--and I finished the only book I brought with me. The magazine stand only had a few books, so it was either Angels & Demons or Bill Clinton's My Life. I picked the lesser of two irritants.

Incidentally, the book I finished early was Miles Gone By by William F. Buckley. A damn fine book, especially compared to Angels & Demons.

NewYorkMoments said...

What makes me laugh is how upset the Catholic church is this work of FICTION. Duh. A lot of my family members of this kind of Catholic. The stoopid kind.

NewYorkMoments said...

Yeah, so I don't proofread...but you know what I meant to say...

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- I understand completely. I have some family members that are devout suckers...I mean, Catholics. Shit, the last time I was back East, they didn't take those pope jokes very well. No skin off my nuts.

Cherry! said...

I haven't read the book or go to see the movie. I have vowed never to. Like with Titantic. There's too mch hype and it doesn't sound so crash hot anyway.

I also find it very amusing that people think it's non fiction. A guy I used to work with went and actually checked out the Last Supper painting. Fucking sad.

morbid misanthrope said...

I have decided to punch anyone I meet who thinks The Da Vinci Code is anything other than pure fiction. That includes priests and women. Of course, I'm of the opinion that if you haven't punched a priest, you haven't lived.

badgerbob said...

I want to see willow do the dirty boogie. I was unaware that trees could dance. Damn! Always the last to know.

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob -- I didn't know trees could dance, either. Nevermind light things on fire.

Anonymous said...

Looking for information and found it at this great site... »

Anonymous said...

Cool blog, interesting information... Keep it UP http://www.bondage-tit.info/Black_pussy_cunt.html Joint herbal supplements arthritis From pain relief sciatica to design a web page Wwe pc games proactiv Radar detector submit url Pink diazepam mexico cd changer mod chx11 jvc Cheap calls to guam Secondhand bmw convertible cars Blackberry dockers Server anti virus software football leg Side effects of ritalin articles Prozac and not much happier

Anonymous said...

This is very interesting site... »

Anonymous said...

Excellent, love it! »

Anonymous said...

That's a great story. Waiting for more. » » »