Friday, June 16, 2006

Oh Boy! Another Movie I Won't See

I was watching Attack of the Show yesterday, much like I do Monday through Thursday, when, unfortunately, I was exposed to some of the “plot” from The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Lately, the movie has been getting plenty of hype from AOTS. Thanks to such thorough coverage, I now know what drifting is; in turn, I also now know that I don’t give a shit about drifting.

Making an entire movie about drifting is like trying to make a two-hour epic about something you coughed up a week after you quit smoking: It may look cool, but it’s not nearly interesting enough to make a movie about. Well, that’s what I thought until I was bombarded with Tokyo Drift’s storyline. I didn’t bother watching most of G4’s coverage, but I’ll give you the gist of what I heard.

Some American guy gets shipped off to Tokyo to avoid jail time for illegal street racing. Great idea, brainiacs! Sending an illegal street racer to Japan—where a lot of this modified car racing got started—is like sending a baby rapist to the maternity ward.

Needless to say, he gets involved in the underground racing scene. Except the racing is different than what he’s used to. In Japan, drifting is all the rage, and that shit’s hardcore, yo!

As I understand it, the American guy thinks he’s hot shit, so he challenges a guy to a drift-off (or whatever the fuck they call it). I’m guessing the American guy loses and some rice rockets get all smashed up. Not only does he lose the race, he also makes a powerful enemy: D.K., short for Drift King (god help us, I’m not making this shit up). And like everyone else in Japan, Drift King has ties to the Yakuza (Oh snap, dog! Gaijin done fucked up now).

At this point, I realized that watching Tokyo Drift will make your brain commit suicide unless you take a break to read a book halfway through.

I’m guessing the movie is a whole mess of drifting until the end of the film, at which point the two rivals—American guy and Drift King—have to either drift race each other or someone else to avoid getting killed by the Yakuza. I think the Yakuza boss is also Drift King’s uncle or something. There might be a love triangle involved, too; I don’t know. This movie looks even worse than the first two films, which, in all fairness, I admit I never saw, either.

These movies just aren’t aimed at my demographic. These movies are made for the Asian kids in sideways hats who hang out at the open-all-night Mexican restaurant by my house saying shit like, “V-Tech, Dog. V-Tech. Let’s race, bitch. I’ll take you out!” These creatures of the night eat burritos and compare spoilers in the parking lot, talking plenty of shit and trying to organize illegal street races. I’m not sure that any of these kids ever actually race or not, but I’m pretty sure they’ll all see this movie…three times. I, on the other hand, will not see this movie because it looks more retarded than a flipper baby with a hairlip and a snaggletooth.


NewYorkMoments said...

OK...I just saw the trailer for this movie on TV. DAYUM YUM YUM! I can't wait until it comes out on cable in, like, a month! The plot may make my brain cells want to commit suicide, but who fuckin' cares? Vin Diesel is in it and my pussy will be doing cartwheels!

Sure he's a vapid, pointless man who can't act for shit. But who cares. Because he looks DAMN GOOD.

Cherry! said...

OMFG! I saw the preview of this pathetic excuse of a movie here. In Italian. I thank the holy spirit (which is vodka in my case) that it was in another language, therefore not allowing me to comprehend very much of it.

If it meant having a drift off with someone to avoid seeing this crap (or any of the others they made) then I'd be doing it.

Love your work Morbid.

badgerbob said...

Let me guess.
The american, against all odds, and a herd of gun-wielding yakuza, wins the drift-off, gets the girl, and rides into the sunset. ......Puke-break....
All that's missing in this film, is Patrick Swayze.

Willow said...

Just drive down through Chinatown in San Fran with some maniac at the wheel and you'll see the movie for free.

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- It's funny because it's a movie about cars and a guy named Vin DIESEL is in it. You know, like the fuel. I'll wait while you contemplate and realize my comedic genius.

Cherry! -- Those poor Italians. I can't believe we're subjecting them to such a bullshit movie.

Thing I would rather do than see this movie number 153: shove a glass tube in my urethra and slam my dick in a door.

badgerbob -- I think Steven Seagal would make a nice edition to the movie. Now that he's old, fat, and won't do anything that requires more movement than eating a sandwich, a movie where all he has to do is sit in a car would be perfect for him.

willow -- I hate San Francisco. The last time I was there, a maniac did drive me through Chinatown. In fact, we stopped for a lovely dinner at some Chinese restaurant where all the other customers spat crab shells all over the place. Fancy!

Cherry! said...

Let's just have a drink instead. Pass me the bottle, morbid.

morbid misanthrope said...

Cherry! -- It's only Tuesday and I could already use a drink. Damn, it's already 12:30 pm and I'm still sober. Something in the universe must be off today.

NewYorkMoments said...

You ARE a genius! I bow before you. (notice I didn't say "bend over.")

morbid misanthrope said...

Good for you. Those who don't bow to my genius will be broken by it.

It reminds me of the story of the old oak tree and the weed. See, the wind was trying to knock everyone over, but the old oak tree refused to bend. The weed was all like, "Fuck if I care, I'll just go with it." And the wind was pleased with the weed.

The wind, however, was pissed at the old oak tree for resisting, so the wind blew harder. Still the old oak refused to submit an inch. Just then, the wind whistled. As soon as it did, three ninjas jumped out and cut down the old oak tree.

The wind was pleased and went back to watching TV. The weed survives while the old oak tree dies and is turned into sawdust to sop up vomit in a public school cafeteria.

The moral of the story: Resistance is futile and punishable by death ... that, or something about ninjas. I don't know; I'm trying to watch TV.

Cherry! said...

12.30 and still sober? You must still be in bed then. Hope you had a nice sleep in.

morbid misanthrope said...

cherry! -- Actually, I just didn't have time to drink on the way to the office that morning. I ran out of booze and had to try drinking listerine. Needless to say it didn't go very well.

neko said...

maybe if you try filtering the listerine somehow..?

didnt think it was possible for you to run out of booze, morb..


morbid misanthrope said...

I am mortal after all.