Friday, June 23, 2006

A Cause That Matters

The world is a messed up place. A lot of people need help, and there are a lot of good causes that need monetary support. I know what everyone is thinking. “I’m just one person. What can I do to help?”

Well, there are plenty of things you can do to make a difference. For example, organizations like PETA are always looking for members and volunteers to go out and blow animals. They hate it when animals suffer, so they send out dedicated, loving people to suck animal genitals. It shows the animals that they are loved and equal in value to human beings.

If animals aren’t your thing, certainly you’re willing to do everything you can to save the environment. I mean, if you don’t care about the environment, you’re a fucking monster and that’s all there is to it. There are many SUV-burning organizations you could support with your hard-earned money. Or, just to help the environment yourself, you could shit in paper bags instead of wasting water crapping in the toilet like a human being. Just burry all those bags in your garden—instant fertilizer!

Even though Hurricane Katrina happened quite a while back, and even though the federal government and caring people everywhere gave New Orleans billions of dollars to repair their mismanaged, destroyed city, they still need your help. You can always send money to help the Katrina victims. In fact, Mayor Nagin lost a game of dice last night and needs some pocket money. Please, people, give till it hurts.

You see, there are plenty of ways to make a difference. Whether it’s taking a face full of animal DNA; covering your property in bags full of your own shit; or drinking ten gallons of water a day so when global warming melts all the ice on the entire planet, maybe, just maybe the water levels will be slightly lower, everyone can help.

While these causes are all worthy of support in their own way, a new cause has come to my attention that is possibly the most worthy cause of all.

Dustin Diamond, Saved by the Bell’s Screech, needs our help. Unless he is able to raise $250,000 he is going to lose his house. As someone who was entertained by Screech’s wacky antics for years, hell, and still is to this day, I want to do my part to help this American treasure. In the past I posted Saved by the Bell haikus I wrote while drunk in Las Vegas. Today, I have written a special haiku for Dustin Diamond:

Screech is fucking cool
Dustin really needs our help
We can save his home


While this humble haiku won’t help Mr. Diamond directly, I think it will help people understand the severity of his situation. I know there are a lot of other charities out there, but this is Screech, people! Motherfucking Screech from Saved by the Bell! He had a robot and was fascinated by bugs and shit. Regardless of what anyone else ever says, Screech owned Bayside; not crafty Zach, not mullet-headed Slater—Screech was the man.

Like, remember the time Screech was helping Kelly out with science so she would pass the big test? Godamn right you do. Or how about the time he got struck by lightning and could see the future? And, of course, we all remember the time that Screech beat that fucking commie Russian at the big chess tournament. It’s simply a fact: Screech is the man.

Unlike all those other chintzy charities, when you help Dustin Diamond—also a talented stand-up comedian—you don’t come away empty handed. To help save Dustin’s home and give back to the man that brought Screech to life, all you have to do is buy a shirt. And let me tell you: It’s a sweet fucking shirt. Not only is the shirt cool as hell, it also shows that you support Dustin Diamond’s right to live in a house. Plus, it’s only $15.00! But wait, there’s more! For an extra five bucks, Dustin Diamond, a.k.a. Screech, will sign the shirt!

It’s only $20.00, folks. I have a drinking problem and even I can afford this killer shirt. If you’re like me, you’d punch a nun in the mouth and kick a baby in the head to help Screech. Unfortunately, that won’t do any good right now, but getting a shirt will. To help Dustin Diamond keep his house, please click on the "Save Screech's House" banner in my links section. Thank you, and God bless America.

33 comments:

BP said...

Poor Screech...there's no way he's going to sell 30,000 shirts by the end of June!

Cherry! said...

I remember that chess tournament. That was some intense shit!

I'm buying five (I'd buy ten but I have a drinking porblem too).

Cherry! said...

woops, that was supposed to be 'problem'. I think the drinking problem is now evident.

NewYorkMoments said...

You're so fucking wasteful! Why do you shit in paperbags instead of just walking outside & shitting in the garden?

neko said...

"saved by the bell"?

i take it this is some sort of sitcom?

you know, morb, if you really want to help mr Diamond out, why dont you invite him to come stay with you? maybe a mortal kombat-playing drinking buddy is just what mr Diamond needs!

morbid misanthrope said...

bp -- He's also selling ad space on his website; one thousand-dollar brick at a time. There's still hope.

cherry! -- I've been told the shirts make great gifts. If I had any friends they'd totally be getting Screech shirts. A drinking problem is only a problem when you run out of alcohol.

newyorkmoments -- I'm such an earth-hating bastard I don't even have a garden. All I have is a single potted plant that I torture every day. Besides, I may be a drunken lunatic, but I still prefer using indoor facilities. I'm not a savage.

neko -- Only the single greatest fucking sitcom that ever aired on network TV. I'd let Mr. Diamond stay with me, but I live in my car and the cigarette lighter only powers the playstation enough for one player.

neko said...

dont cars have 4 seats?

im sure mr diamond wouldnt mind taking turns on the playstation if his only other option were to become a chemical-huffing hobo..?

charity starts at home, after all..

morbid misanthrope said...

Cars usually have four seats, but I had to sell two of mine to buy the playstation.

Willow said...

What about the option of doing nothing? I personally find that not giving a damn works for me.

Fuck Screech, PETA, and those backyard shitters. I say, Take a stand by sitting back and doing nothing.

Polyman2 said...

I just emailed Warren Buffet, I'm sure he'll jump right into this cause with a few bil.
That's what I like about you Morb;
Got your finger on the aorata of the nation.

morbid misanthrope said...

willow -- Well, usually I wouldn't be up to doing very much; what with my drinking and all. But 1) this is Screech we're talking about, and 2) I'm trying to pass that post off as community service.

polyman2 -- My finger on the aorta of the nation, my boot up its ass. My campaign manager likes that slogan. When I get elected president, I'll give you partial credit. Thanks, polyman2.

Polyman2 said...

cool.

neko said...

well, when you get elected to president, dont you get that sweet house?

maybe you should win the election and give the house to screech.. just an idea.. or, at least, give him a wing in the builidng..

but who will supply the blow-job giving pa's??

morbid misanthrope said...

Well, as president I would get to live there for my entire term(s). I think I would appoint Screech, er, Dustin Diamond, Secretary of Making the Prez Laugh when He's Pissed Off.

Under my rule as president, I would allow no BJs, sex, or any kind of grab-ass in the Whitehouse. If people want to act like animals, they can do it just as well in a nearby pay-by-the-hour motel.

Cherry! said...

You're right! I'm off to the bar now.

just thinking said...

PETA... ??

morbid misanthrope said...

Cherry! -- I spent a day and a half in a hotel recently. In fact, I just got back last night. Anyway, I spent most of my time at the hotel bar, drinking the local microbrew and pounding double shots of Wild Turkey. Highly advisable in my opinion; at least until they played "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" and I had to maim three bartenders to get them to shut it off.

just thinking -- PETA stands for The Ethical Treatment of Animals. Well, that's the PETA I was referring to. The PETA I belong to is People for the Eating of Tasty Animals. Big difference.

Cherry! said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Don't go breakin' my heart!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Well I just asked what you did during the holiday. I guess you just answered it. You're my drinking mentor. I heart you!!

Cherry! said...

OMFG!!! Now I have that freaking song in my head. It's making me feel like skipping around, swinging around poles and waving my hands around in a pansy kind of fashion....Sad state of affairs!!! Very sad!! I need a drink.

morbid misanthrope said...

Cherry! -- At least it wasn't Cap'n and Teneel--or however the you spell it--because their music is bad enough to make Barry Manilow weep into his boyfriend's thong.

Jeez, if ever there was a day I could use a drink.... Maybe after work I should visit a Catholic church for some communion wine. What a day, what a day....

Cherry! said...

Crying into his thong....BAD VISUALS!!!

Hey popping into the church ain't such a bad idea. I may just do the same. They give out the blood of christ there right?

morbid misanthrope said...

The blood and flesh of Christ as I understand it. Not that I completely condone cannibalism, but were I going to eat human flesh, I'd like it to be a little fresher than 2,000 years old. Maybe I'm just picky.

Cherry! said...

hahaha! I've tried it. Sticks to the roof of your mouth so you have no choice but to wash it back with a litre of the blood.

morbid misanthrope said...

cherry! -- It helps if you drink some of the "blood of Christ" in the parking lot before you enter the church.

Also, feel free to rehydrate or even wash yourself in the holy water. The priests generally expect that sort of behavior.

Cherry! said...

I'll try to remember that if I'm not too drunk before I rock up to the church.

I'm thinking gargling the holy water would go down a treat. Come to think of it, gargling the blood of christ after eating his body would be shit hot too.

morbid misanthrope said...

cherry! -- I thought about joining the catholic church just so I could get excommunicated--you know, good for my death/black metal cred. But I didn't want to risk some priest brushing up against my nads. I'd like to be excommunicated, not arrested for murdering a priest.

Cherry! said...

Yeah that would be great for the cred!! But the nads brushing would def be a bit disturbing. Don't they have women priests these days? That might be a bit better. Although I'm not sure how alluring a nads brush by Sister Mary would be. *shudder*

morbid misanthrope said...

cherry! -- I generally try to avoid the clergy. Although, Sister Mary isn't so bad once you look past her moustache.

Cherry! said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Bad visuals once again!!!

morbid misanthrope said...

cherry! -- Some of those nuns look like Paul Sr. from American Choppers. "

Why, hello, sister handlebar moustache. How's Jesus today? Still rockin' the beard is He? Well, I think your 'stache has His beat."

morbid misanthrope said...

Cherry! -- It's like Paul Sr. from American Choppers with some of those nuns...

Cherry! said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Too funny!

Anonymous said...

Excellent, love it!
for sale camping chase manhattan mortgage doraville georgia 1996 vw jetta alarm system statistics for numbers of big houses in ireland silverado keyless alarm systems bontril home refinance interest rates loan21 pros and cons video conferencing small business merchant account block pop ups firefox pinewood derby stock car