As has been happening quite frequently lately, Muslims around the world are furious and fucking shit up like retarded toddlers throwing temper tantrums. While many experts believe these “protests”—and all around bad behavior—were caused by Koran-sanctioned man panties riding up cracks simultaneously throughout the Middle East, others claim the pope is to blame. His holiness under the silly hat made statements that many Muslims consider offensive, incendiary, or at the very least, historically accurate.
In all his mighty popeitude, the leader of the Catholic Church quoted an earlier Byzantine pope—Pope John James Dingus the Mellow—who had the following to say about Muslims:
“These crazy fuckers, man. I swear, I’m just sittin’ here, lookin’ at this sweet painting of Jesus I commissioned, and all of a sudden there are, like, thousands of these sheep-shit-smelling bastards cutting people’s heads off. Yeah, I know, what a bunch of dicks, right? Anyway, then they start saying Jesus was a messenger of Allah, when all of us educated types know Jesus was a white guy.
“You know, I’m a merciful fellow, completely willing to let bygones be bygones, but Joe Blow Hibjab-al Shamar won’t be happy until he kills all the infidels; which, I’m told, is me and all my holy homies. Plus, my friend Mike says he saw one of those barbarians shitting on a cross. I mean, not only is that gross, it’s fucked up.
“They start offing all my followers, so I realize something has to be done. I make this sweet decree about their [Muslims] ‘spreading Islam with the sword,’ ‘being afraid of pigs,’ and generally ‘smelling of beefy curry farts.’ That last part is really just my opinion, but, hell, I’m the pope and therefore infallible and totally sweet. Bottom line: these fuckers are loonier than a whorehouse full of possessed lepers on fire. It’s like they pop wood when they behead someone. By god, I’m going to put a stop to it.”
Pope Benedict XVI quoted snippets of this historical speech which instantly angered Muslims all over the place. It is worth mentioning, however, that even Muslims who don’t speak any English were furious with the pope before they even knew what he said. While thousands of rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth protesters struggled to find the words to express their animalistic ire, the three literate Muslims in the Middle East made protest signs for everyone else.
After a short time, angry protesters began burning effigies of the pope, American flags, and, just so people don’t forget how much Muslims hate the Jews, Israeli flags.
When Pope Benedict XVI was asked to comment or apologize for what he said, he mumbled something in German which sounded suspiciously like Rammstein lyrics, sighed deeply, and said:
“I never meant to offend anyone. I was simply making an observation about the behavior of Muslim extremists today and the conquering Muslim armies of the past. It’s not like secret information or anything. You can read all about it in books at your local library or even on the internet. In fact, I’ll be posting some relevant links on my MySpace page later this evening after the Sex and the City marathon. Also, way to prove my point, Jerks; you know, with the violence, rioting, and church vandalism. Take a chill pill already. Sheesh!”
The pope’s comments led to more anger in the Muslim community for several reasons, according to Ali Shabaz, a Muslim scholar who is admittedly hooked on phonics.
“Well, for one, the pope is an infidel and will burn in Allah’s hell,” Shabaz said while spitting on the floor. “Secondly, the women in Sex and the City are infidel whores with their genitals intact. The fact that the pope believes women should be allowed to keep their clitorises in order to derive pleasure from fornication shows he is just as decadent as Americans.” Shabaz then went on a lengthy rant about the internet being evil and the sanctity of throwing rocks. The pope is expected to respond after he finishes watching TV.
It has been reported that some Muslims became so angry during the riots their heads exploded. This has terrified the Department of Homeland Security, because Muslims exploding without actual bombs can’t possibly be a good thing. During the last Muslim riots—caused by Danish cartoons of Muhammad reading a book and being conscious of personal hygiene—Muslims were angry enough to melt, but no head explosions were reported.
Bjorn Viking, a noted Scandinavian scientist, has calculated that Muslims are getting madder and madder at smaller and smaller offenses to Islam. The mathematical formula M + MM @ SSOI = OHSHIT proves that Muslim indignation leading to stupid violence and endless media coverage is becoming more common and completely inevitable. Viking believes that in the near future, almost anything will cause Muslims to riot. For example, Viking predicts that soon anyone singing “Old MacDonald had a Farm” containing the verse where the pig goes “Oink, Oink,” clean-shaven men, various foods supposedly bearing the image of Muhammad, buildings made from anything other than sand, and the use of toilet paper will be enough to cause Muslims to riot.
Since the pope has not yet apologized for his comments, the violence continues. An alarming number of protesters and rioters believe that, with his comments, the pope has started another crusade against Islam. The pope’s friends and underlings in silly outfits have repeatedly pointed out that there is no crusade in the works. Rioters say they are calling “bullshit” on the pope and will continue to cause trouble until the pope apologizes and converts to Islam. “It’s a simple compromise,” Shabaz said grinning. “Just conform to our beliefs, our way of life, and our sacred laws and we will stop making a fuss. It’s as easy as pie.”
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33 comments:
Would the use toilet paper with the face of George W cause a riot? Or would that be cool?
I was trying to get outraged by your bigoted opinions, but every last word of that post is fucking hilarious, I mean golden.
Asshole
cherry! -- Bush's face on TP wouldn't cause riots. In fact, it's readily available at www.prankplace.com (among other places). To my knowledge, there have been no riots. Freedom of speech and all, you know?
Unfortunately, when the pope--who I'm not a fan of, by the way--reads a quote about the war-mongering Muslims of the 14th century during a talk supposedly about religions misunderstanding each other, the followers of the "religion of peace" prove how non-violent they are by rioting, burning churches to the ground, and even killing an Italian nun in Somalia.
Bush is far from perfect, but at least the people that talk shit about him--and use his visage to wipe their asses--don't end up getting beheaded on poorly shot videos from the Middle East.
Just sayin'.
random internet guy -- I'm glad that you can appreciate the humor—the main reason I wrote this. Frustration often leads to humor and satire, which are the sane alternatives to violence. In other words, I won’t be rioting about anything any time soon.
Morbid, that was the best fucking post that I have read all year.
HI Morbid,
Bigoted is a bit strong. But i would say that while you're free to say whatever you want you should also bear in mind that everyone has a right to peaceful protest and in this particular case not all muslims flew off the handle. The President of Iran accepted the pope's apology and so did the Muslim Brotherhood.
At least you didn't downplay what the Pope said. A lot of people are trying to make out that it's a lot of fuss over nothing, I've read the speech and it's pretty clear that he agrees with the emperor he quoted.
On the other hand, if peace love and understanding equals not funny, fuck the ragheads!
willow -- Thanks. I'm going to list you as a reference when I apply for a job at a reputable publication like The National Inquirer. I'd kill to write a hard-hitting, factual piece on the baby the midget alien and the female werewolf just had. Oddly enough, it’s name is Suri, too.
Random internet guy – Well, everyone in America has the right to peaceful protest. In many countries—particularly countries ruled by Islam—protesting will get you killed; unless, of course, you’re protesting an insult against Islam and/or Allah. While some Muslims protested peacefully and others did nothing, thousands and thousands of like-minded Muslims worldwide elevated protests to riots, vandalism, and murder.
If one believes in the right to peaceful protest, it follows that one should also believe in free speech. In that case, condemning what the pope said is a rather silly thing to do. It is simply a fact that Islam has a bloody history, going back well before the conquering Muslim armies beheaded enough captors to fill the streets with blood.
Even today, Muslims (not all, mind you, but a great majority throughout the world) practice violent and barbaric acts of hatred and intolerance. Under Islamic rule homosexuals and adulterers are brutally killed, female genital mutilation is still practiced, and women are treated terribly and given practically no rights. Under Islam the persecution of those with differing belief systems—i.e., infidels—are abused and oftentimes killed. Many prominent Muslim leaders have said, time and time again, that they will not be satisfied until the entire world is under sharia law or Muslim rule.
These few of the many offenses common throughout the Muslim world certainly give the pope something to think about. While not all Muslims are guilty of this behavior, very few actually condemn it. This, again, is something for the pope to think about; especially if he is supposed to represent an organization that cares about the people suffering in the world. While I have many problems with the Catholic Church myself, I am more concerned with the religion with thousands of followers willing to go berserk because someone said something they didn’t like.
The pope insists he was trying to open dialogue between various religions to ease tensions that different groups may have—much like the Catholic Church decided to align itself with protestants and evangelicals, lumping the three differing belief systems under Christianity. Whether or not this was what truly motivated him to make that speech is really none of my concern. The fact remains that words—nothing more than words, no actions of any kind—were enough to push people into a stupid, vulgar, and useless frenzy. This has happened many times and will undoubtedly happen again.
To be perfectly honest, I’m sick of all the bullshit happening in the name of Islam. Thusly, I am compelled to write about it. And since the whole situation is so fucking ridiculous, it is an endless source of comedic material. I’ve always been one to shun political correctness, because political correctness kills humor faster than super AIDS kills promiscuous, meth-addicted faggots. You are right: “…if peace love and understanding equals not funny, fuck the ragheads!”
P.S. The President of Iran may have accepted the pope’s apology, but he still denies the holocaust ever happened and calls for the destruction of Israel and the extinction of the Jewish race. In other words, he’s a dick. Also, the Muslim Brotherhood is a terrorist organization, so you can imagine what I think of them.
MM---You are a fucking genius! This is hysterical.
You know, for a moment after I heard what the pope said, I considered becoming catholic again. Then that pussy apologized. Even if it was a lame, half-hearted apology.
The Aussie prez is the only one with any balls.
Very witty post mob, but I am reeling with shock at one of your commentors. I was not aware that willow could read. Imagine that!
brilliant post, morb.
hilarious.
couldnt agree more.
Morbid,
I’m pretty hungover today so I’ll keep it brief.
1)Everything that the Pope said about Islam can also be said about the Catholic Church. Sure Islam has a violent history but what about the crusades?
2) Your definition of free speech is pretty one-sided, the Pope gets to say whatever he wants no matter how offensive and Muslims have to take it like alterboys. If thousands of priests and nuns were being murdered by rampaging mobs you might have a point, but they aren’t, alright one nun was killed in the Sudan but that might have nothing to do with this whole matter. Why shouldn’t Muslims get their point of view across? As long as it’s non-violent they should be allowed protest whatever way they want, it’s no skin off your nose.
3) I’m not condemning the Pope’s speech, but it is pretty irresponsible of him to say what he said. All he’s done is to create more hatred. It’s not like Muslims everywhere are suddenly gonna slap their foreheads and Say “You know what, the Emperor from Star wars is right! Everything we believe is mumbo jumbo, Let’s worship a Jew with superhuman powers instead! And eat fish every Friday for some reason”
4) “political correctness kills humor faster than super AIDS kills promiscuous, meth-addicted faggots” Amen to that
Poor poor Pope, now groveling at the feet of Islam. Even after apologizing for his off the cuff remark 100 times, they still are peeved.
So I just read that Mr Pope is now converting to Islam, renouncing his old faith (No, not nazism)
catholicism to appease them.
newyorkmoments -- I just report the news when it happens, as it happens.
Ol' popey boy never should have apologized, no matter how half-hearted the apology was. That's just seen as yet another sign of weakness by the Muslims. Of course, I'd never join the Catholic Church either. Well, maybe I would just so I could be excommunicated.
You're right about the Aussie President. He needs to have a little talk with our increasingly spineless government.
badgerbob -- Apparently, she can read and type. That's fairly impressive for a tree; although, a reading, typing badger is pretty impressive as well.
neko -- Thanks. This was a fun one to write. And this time I didn't even get any death threats.
Random internet guy -– I’m not hungover today, but I will be tomorrow—hell, probably still drunk when I wake up. Before I address your comments, however, I suggest you read The Politically Incorrect Guide to Islam and the Crusades by Robert Spencer, because based on your arguments, you don’t seem to understand or know much about Islam or the crusades. Well, at least not enough to fully understand my point of view, but certainly enough to anchor the news.
1.) One major difference between Catholicism and Islam—between Islam and practically all other religions—is Catholicism has evolved as society has changed. Take, for instance, the various Catholic Inquisitions: Medieval or Episcopal, Spanish, Portuguese, and Roman. These were undoubtedly horrific examples of religious fascism; however, no such monstrous practices exist in the modern Catholic Church. (While many priests are guilty of pedophilia, the Catholic Church does not condone it [supposedly] and the Bible certainly does not condone it. In fact, the Bible condemns it fiercely. Another point worth mentioning is nothing in the Bible endorses, promotes, or condones the barbaric actions of the Catholic Church during the inquisitions. Because the pope was seen as Christ’s Vicar on earth [also nowhere in the Bible] he could do whatever he wanted. The inquisitions and other horrific acts committed by the Catholic Church were created and authorized by popes, not the Bible.)
All over the Muslim world, terrible practices from early Islam are still prevalent. Their religion has not changed with society to adapt to a modern world like other religions. For example, under Muslim law written in the Koran people can still be murdered for being non-Muslim, people can be stoned to death or beheaded for various crimes, wife-beating is acceptable and sometimes encouraged depending on the situation, and on and on and on. All of these practices are demanded of loyal followers of Islam by the Koran. Not all Muslims take part of this, for the time being it occurs most commonly in Islamic countries. Indonesia, for example, is about 90% Muslim, and they regularly arrest or kill people for being Christian or non-Muslim (hell, they even persecute Zoroastrians, you know, because they’re so common these days).
Because Westernized countries are not under Sharia law, these Muslim practices happen less often. That is not to say they never happen. Theo Van Gough was murdered by a Muslim in the Netherlands because a movie he made was “offensive to Islam.” The murder only did what was expected of him according to the Koran. A family of Coptic Christians in New Jersey was butchered because the father made anti-Muslim statements on the internet. And, of course, there were the 3,000 deaths on 9/11 because crazed Islamofascists were fulfilling the will of Allah.
My point being, almost all religions had violent pasts. Hell, the past was violent all over. But most religions have reformed and apologized for their dark pasts. True Islam, however, continues being as brutal as it was before the 14th century. And, might I add, they have never apologized for it.
Another quick point, the Crusades began when the conquering Muslim armies started taking over the Holy Land. For more information on the Crusades, I strongly suggest reading the book I mentioned earlier. I don’t have much time to get into it now.
2.) I never said Muslims shouldn’t be allowed to protest. I said they protest over so little it has become comical and irritating. They can do whatever they want, but when it comes to rioting and violence it becomes a problem. Oftentimes Muslim protests lead to much more severe behavior and that is a problem. When they learn to protest peacefully, I won’t give a shit.
Also, the nun was killed because a Muslim was pissed about the pope’s remarks, and seven churches were burned down for the same reason. That’s a problem. Not to mention Muslims killing Buddhists in Thailand (over 1,700 so far), Muslims murdering every black Christian they can find in Sudan (even George Clooney has a problem with that), and the countless non-Muslims being arrested, killed, or tortured all over the world where Muslims are in charge. I can’t even begin to list all of the awful things going on in the world right now because of Islam.
3.) The pope knows quite well, I’m sure, that he’s not going to convert any Muslims. But the fact that the pope and most other people in the world have to walk on eggshells so as not to offend the Muslims to the point of violent uprising, again, means something is wrong. No other religious group is so violently defensive. I’ve insulted the Catholics, Christians, Buddhists, Satanists, Wiccans, etc., and the only people I’ve received death threats from were Muslims. And that was back in my college days when I started researching the “religion of peace” and simply posted a few Suras from the Koran on my old webpage.
Anyway, I’ve gone on much longer than I intended to. I suggest checking out the book I mentioned for more information and to get a better idea of what I’m talking about. There are also several very informative websites (michellemalkin.com, debbieschlussel.com, etc.) in my links section that keep me updated on current events involving Islamic violence worldwide that are worth reading. Perhaps one of the most eye-opening sites around is www.shoebat.com, the site of a former Islamic terrorist who now tries to help people understand what a threat Islam is to the modern world.
Well, it’s Friday and almost boozin’ time. Have a good weekend.
polyman2 -- At least the pope can hide out in the Vatican. I hear they have a bitchin' arcade there. I've always wondered what it would be like to play Mortal Kombat in a room made of solid gold.
Wow this is a record for me in the comment department. It has taken me two tries to finish reading all the comments on this one post lol. I am curious to what cause a few to get the boot.
But on the post itself great work. I am all for freedom of speech 100% not this half ass freedom we have here in the USA. Think you have freedom try flying a nazi flag at your house just becasue you like the way the red and black looks. I will bet you will end up in court and fined for some kind of hate crime, let freedom ring.
Hey MM....here's another example of the religion of peace...
http://www.iht.com/articles/2006/09/25/news/somalia.php
Hey what's with all the deleted comments morbid????
Thanks for the birthday wishes. Got well and truly wasted which was fabulous!
honkeie2 -- All I ever wanted was to write a silly post, but again politics tricked me into writing really long responses. Long responses written rather hastily lead to typos I didn't catch until after I posted them. That's why a few comments were deleted. I noticed a typo and couldn't stand it, so I deleted my response, fixed the typo, and reposted. If a comment is deleted on this blog, it is almost always because I had to fix my own typos. I hate myself! *punching myself in the head* Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Much can be said about the new American freedom of speech. I could write at length about the many people arrested for hate speech for protesting gay pride parades, or how in California, a recently passed law states that Churches who condemn the gay lifestyle will no longer be protected by the police or fire department, etc. The issue is not whether you're pro- or anti-gay, the issue is that you are no longer able to say certain things without being thrown in jail. Liberal or conservative, fascism is fascism.
newyorkmoments – Interesting. I can’t say that I’m surprised. This shit is happening all over the world. Even Thailand was just taken over by a Muslim general in a military coup. Hopefully, certain governments will wise up before their populations are forced to convert or die.
Cherry! – Deleted comments = me getting rid of my own stupid typos.
Glad you had a good birthday. I try to get wasted as often as possible, which tends to cost a fortune. It’s still cheaper than therapy and works twice as well.
Here! Here! *cherry raises wine filled glass* totally agree with you there I have to say. I can't wait until I get to the grand ole U.S. of A. to have a beverage with you.
MM
That was one of the best posts I have ever read. Keep it up!
cherry! -- I love the USA. In fact, if 98% of the politicians were gone and 90% of all the other people were gone, this country would be as close to perfect as you can get. Thankfully, the weekend is almost here, and I will ingest copious amounts of American Whiskey. God bless the USA.
guttergirl -- Thank you. Glad you liked it. With all of this kind of shit in the news--Muslims rioting in Belgium and elsewhere because of Ramadan, a Mozart opera in Germany being altered to avoid more Muslim riots, etc.--I have a lot of material to work with.
Hey, do you think that that if I face west and, consequently my ass faces the general direction of the majority of the muslim countries, and I fart that it could possible cause all of their heads to explode simultaneously? If you say yes, I'll eat nothing but broccoli and drink nothing but prune juice for a week.
newyorkmoments -- I think, considering how easily offended those Muslims are, that even asking that question is enough to cause at least a few heads to explode. Not that they're unused to bad smells, mind you. Your simple gesture is all it takes to anger the practitioners of the religion of peace. Hey, maybe they'll start burning effigies of you in the streets.
I think of 90% of the people left the world it would be close to perfect. I think that's why I'm now living the life of an alcoholic recluse at my parents' place. Nearest neighbour 2kms away.
Guess what?!?! It's a long weekend here this weekend (no one really knows why) so there'll be copious amounts of alcohol consumed here too! Hoorah!
Have a good one!
cherry! -- Well, it's a regular weekend here, but I'll be sure to cram in as much alcohol abuse as possible. Sometimes I'm able to condense two week's worth of drinking into Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday. Whooo!
I really loved this post!
I hope that one day you will also target your arrows of outrage at some people high up in the US government. Check out the movie "911 Mysteries", and you will at least partly have to change your sentence about "And, of course, there were the 3,000 deaths on 9/11 because crazed Islamofascists were fulfilling the will of Allah." I think those Islamofascists killed the people in the airplanes and the ones that happened to be on a few wrong floors of the WTC, but at least 2,500 deaths were caused by completely different people. I was very sceptical before I saw this movie, but it comes with load upon load of irrefutable evidence. It made me sick to the stomach.
Although I am totally against those fucking radical Muslim fucktards on account of everything you've said (I am against anyone radically religious), there is an equally great evil in the world which is very high up in US government. This is very, very dangerous.
richard -- There are plenty of people high up in American government that I'm pissed off at. In fact, several Senators have blocked my e-mail address because I've sent them so many angry e-mails.
I've never seen anything about 9/11 conspiracies that could hold enough water to drown a flea. I've not seen "911 Mysteries," but the Debunking Various 9/11 Conspiracy Theories website (in my links section) destroys the ever-popular "Loose Change" claims. Perhaps I'll look into that movie, but so far all of those movies and books have been a bunch of paranoid, delusional nonsense--and I love conspiracy theories. Thanks for the info, though.
Great post, MM.
There's a great book by the editors of Popular Mechanics about why the 9/11 conspiracies are all improbable: Debunking 9/11 Myths: Why Conspiracy Theories Can't Stand Up to the Facts by John McCain.
very funny post. Keep up the good work
dennis -- Thanks. That book sounds like something most people in America--especially students--should read. I'll look into it. I would like to recommend the semi-related book, Disinformation: 22 Media Myths that Undermine the War on Terror by Richard Miniter. Not necessarily about 9/11 conspiracies, but it does uncover a lot of truths most Americans are ignorant of.
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