Saturday, April 28, 2007

Hostility: Just a Few More Things Pissing Me Off

Sheryl “One Square of TP Per Potty” Crow
I hate Sheryl Crow. I believe I’ve made that clear at least once or twice in the past. Her music sucks like a black hole, she gave Lance Armstrong nad cancer twice, and she has the mental capacity of an old potato with a pencil jammed into it. Every time I see her stupid “I’m so deep and interesting” face, I kill a small animal with an obsidian knife hoping some ancient, tentacled god of disease will receive my sacrifice and strike her down with leprosy.

Now she’s hoping to convince people to cut down on their toilet paper use to, you know, like, help the environment; one square per excretion should be plenty. Yes, because all the attempts we’ve made to separate ourselves from shit-anywhere animals and mephitic cavemen weren’t progress, but another way to kick ol’ Mother Earth right in her Marianas Trench (so to speak). And, as all well-informed people will tell you, walking around smelling like the laundry bin at a home for the criminally incontinent is a great way to save the planet.

Before I start taking eco orders from some rich celebrity retard, I think it only appropriate she start following her own advice. In order to help her conserve TP (instead of cutting down on all the environmentally unfriendly shit she requests and uses on a regular basis), I’m willing to visit her home and ninja kick her colon right out of her ass—free of charge.

Sheryl Crow has also railed against the use of paper napkins at meal time. Thankfully, she’s not suggesting our faces go un-wiped like our nether regions. That would be utterly barbaric. Her solution: wipe your face on your sleeves. Not just your every-day regular sleeves, though. Her new line of shirts happens to have detachable sleeves so you can wipe the tofurkey grease off your mug, remove the soiled sleeve, wash it, and reattach it. That’s so goddamn stupid I feel like hanging myself.

I think the earth would benefit more if someone skin-welded Sheryl Crow’s mouth shut. After all, stupidity is one of the leading causes of global warming, and all that hot hair escaping from her head is enough to melt three glaciers and ten medium-sized igloo villages. Speaking of which, if any Eskimos with newly melted homes wish to seek revenge, I’m sure it would only take a few harpoons to put her down … her head may be enormous, but she’s still human.

Whispering in Metal Songs
While this irritant isn’t very common in the metal I usually listen to, every now and then some band thinks it's being really cute and sneaks that shit in. A good example of this is Machine Head’s new song “Aesthetics of Hate.” Although it’s probably one of the heaviest songs Machine Head’s ever done—much heavier than that rap-rock shit they pulled on The Burning Red, anyway—near they end, Rob Flynn repeatedly whispers some silly shit while looking at the camera with the intensity of a cross-eyed sun flare. I think he’s saying “May the band of Todd rock them out,” but he could just as easily be saying something threatening. I don’t know, because as soon as he started with that whispering shit, I stopped watching the video.

Whispering menacingly, ominously, threateningly, knowingly, tellingly, creepily, etc. is always stupid in metal (and probably most other genres, but I don’t listen to them so they don’t count). You just spent five minutes yelling, slappy; if I haven’t gotten the idea by now, some dopey whispering ain’t going to help. And if I wasn’t alarmed when that glue-huffing alley dweller told me he was god and whispered “I will remove your soul with my incisors of the malevolent god light,” I’m sure as hell not going to be impressed when you whisper stupid shit in a song as an attempt to add some impact to your message.

Morons Who Don’t Know Where the Line at Blockbuster Starts
I’ve come across these drooling retards for years. I can only assume they’re the product of some kind of human cloning experiment and didn’t pass the chromosome test—i.e., they either ended up with too many or too few.

I shudder to think flawed science isn’t responsible, because if these are the kind of geniuses our public schools are churning out, this country is in even more trouble than I thought. Sure, these shallow potholes in the evolutionary highway can reproduce like a box full of speed-freak rabbits on Viagra and avoid getting killed while crossing a busy street, but point them toward a big-ass “LINE STARTS HERE” sign and suddenly they’re as lost as a quadruple amputee trying to do a cartwheel.

I was in line the other day, right next to the aforementioned big-ass “LINE STARTS HERE” sign, when I see these two asshats practically giving themselves brain tumors trying to figure out where they should line up. Seconds before the steaming blood shot out of their ears, their survival instincts kicked in and they bypassed the confusion of the line altogether and just walked up to the cashier.

Were I in charge, such thoughtless, rude behavior would result in a severe public beating and, depending on prior offenses, forced sterilization. Unfortunately, Blockbuster is yet another domain of which I am not overlord, and the cashier allowed their heinous transgression to go unpunished. In fact, she was quite nice to them, helping them find whatever stupid surfing video they were unable to find themselves. Apparently, they didn’t know their ABCs, so the whole alphabetical order thing really threw them.

“Duuuuhhhh … da moovee is called Endless Summer, so dat woooood be undurr … Aaaarrrrggghhhh! I ownlee up to letter D! D says ‘duh’ as in dump truck! Aaarrrggghhh!”

The Blockbuster employee couldn’t be faulted, really. She has to be nice to the customers. I, on the other hand, don’t have to be nice to anyone. So, upon leaving the store, I threw a large, metal trashcan through their sticker-covered truck’s back window. “I’d rather be surfing,” huh? I fuckin’ bet.

April 20th (4/20)
This is one of my least favorite “holidays.” It’s right up there with “Self-Administered Coat Hanger Prostate Exam Day.” This 4/20 shit all started decades ago, somewhere in California (fuckin’ California), when a couple of dope-heads started meeting by some statue at 4:20 pm to, obviously, smoke weed. 420 became their special little code for it, and soon every glazed-over stoner wanted in on the action.

Since then, 420 (4/20) has become a sort of international pothead holy day. And no stoner holy day would be complete without mountains of crappy merchandise emblazoned with all manner of insipid slogans and weed-related witticisms.

“Huh-huh! ‘I heart 420.’ I get it, dude. Sweet! Haw-haw! ‘Highway 420,’ hilarious!”

It’s so fucking clever my mind is blown. The stoners that get really excited about celebrating 4/20 really have no reason to.

“Dude, tomorrow’s 4/20. We, like, totally get to smoke out!”
“Oh yeah, man! You mean, like, how we do every other day?”
“Hells yeah, bro! 420, whooooooooooo!”
“Cool, man. Now, pass that J over here. If I have to go five more seconds without smoking weed, I might be motivated to read something unrelated to pot and have to kill myself!”

Since harshing the buzz of stoners is one of the few things in life I actually enjoy, I, Captain Buzzkill, have created a new piece of merchandise to dampen the spirits of 4/20 revelers everywhere. The only flaw in my brilliant plan is that some stoners are so stupid they don’t know who Hitler is. Oh well. Happy 4/20, you cannabis-huffing dipshits.




















29 comments:

BD said...

I would question the context relations to cancer of the penis variety and the such, but it seems to be the flavour of the week in general topical conversation.

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- Some people think bicycle seats can give a guy testicular cancer. Sheryl Crow's face kind of looks like a huge self-important bicycle seat. Coincidence?

BD said...

I would suspect her voice (or her singing voice) would be more likely to induce some form of cancerous reaction in the mere male species. Her face, like the centre of the sun is only enough to force the downturn of the strongest of men - I suppose one could say, she, is the modern Medusa, 'modern' in the respect she is minus the soverign or the wisdom that Medusa was attributed. We need the modern day Perseus to sort his out...

You know Hitler has some buzz about him, thats more a cocain thing though...

Bong-Hit-Bob said...

How much do you charge for the coat hanger prostate exam?

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- I think her voice induces vomiting in males with good taste. Perhaps the modern-day Perseus can stab her in the throat with a fork or some kind of pointy stick.

"Sing now, you insufferable, freakishly large-headed, screech harpy!"

Hitler's doctor shot him up with all manner of strange chemicals (often some kind of wacky amphetamines). He even fed Hitler little pieces of human excrement wrapped in gold foil. I suppose that was to help with Adolph's flatulence/constipation problems. Essentially, Hitler was a junkie. I suppose, in this case, weed wasn't a gateway drug. He just had a gateway doctor with a sense of humor.

bong-hit-bob -- Since the holiday is Self-Administered Coat Hanger Prostate Exam Day, you would have to ask yourself that question. I suggest you put down the bong; that purple haze is blocking your view of the computer screen.

One Wink at a Time said...

First-timer here. Wow. I haven't laughed like this at 6:20am in, like, forever. Do you do home parties???

NewYorkMoments said...

I'm so fucking sick of celebretards and their fucking environmental preaching bullshit. We should force them all to live in trees like monkeys.

Prunella Jones said...

April 20th is a weed smoking holiday? I thought it was merely National Pineapple Upside-Down Cake Day.

Prunella Jones said...

By the way, I hate Blockbuster too. I was just there the other day trying to find a movie called "Endless Summer" and it took forever for them to help me. And then when I left I discovered some impatient meathole had thrown a large, metal trashcan through my truck's back window. Jeez, some people! From now on I think I'll stick to surfing.

bobg-hit-bob said...

Sorry about the trash can. I lost my stash, and subsequently, my patience.

morbid misanthrope said...

one wink at a time – 6:20 am is a little too early to be laughing. Usually by that time I’ve reached the regret and contemplating suicide portion of my nightly whiskey binge. I’ve never done a home party before. I have, however, done Tupperware parties. I love those things.

newyorkmoments – I agree. Although I must say, I think the monkeys would get sick of the celebrities as well. At least those bloodthirsty chimps would mutilate and consume the celebrities instead of taking candid photos of them to sell to the tabloids. I suspect celebrities wouldn’t complain about the paparazzi so much if they had to worry about being torn limb from limb by angry primates. Hell, I’d pay good money to see some irritating celebrities get devoured. I’d even buy a t-shirt.

prunella jones – You’re right about that. It’s sad that pineapple upside-down cake doesn’t get the recognition it deserves on 4/20. Truly it is the proud king of inverted baked goods.

Impatient meathole: that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever called me. It almost makes me regret filling said projectile trashcan with dead raccoons before I threw it through your window. Almost.

bong-hit-bob – Did you check the trashcan for your missing stash? Or, maybe, you left it in one of the secret pockets in your sweet hemp jacket.

NewYorkMoments said...

That sounds like a fantastic reality show!

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- Good point. I think I'll pitch the concept to some people from VH1 next week. Maybe we'll finally be able to get rid of Flava Flav (or however that retarded cartoon of a man spells it).

neko said...

Why do you need a license to have a gun, get married, drive -- but not to pro-create?

maybe the world would need less saving if dumb humans copulating like bunnies on.. viagra.. [riiite..].. and speed, i spose, had more restrictions..

who knows.

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- I think evolution needs to get off its lazy ass and do some natural selecting ... with a vengeance.

"Haw haw! Punk'd on MTV is so funny. Ooooh! A Pimp My Ride marathon!"

ZAP! Sterile and dying of cancer herpes. No mating for him. Thanks, evolution!

"Hmmmm. An election is coming up. I think I'll forgo doing any research about the candidates, their platforms, histories, voting records, and just vote for the cutest one. Wow! Dennis Kucinich looks kind of like a sickly puppy. I love puppies. Tee-hee!"

KER-POW! Mutated, rabid, cannibal ovaries and eyelid tumors. She'll not be reproducing any time soon. Thanks, evolution!

“Sweet! Paris Hilton’s CD is on sale!”

X-PLODE! Super-heated blood running through explosive veins. She’s nothing but a steaming puddle now. Thanks, evolution!

neko said...

mother nature can be cruel at times

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- I certainly hope so. They wouldn't call it Mother Nature if it weren't prone to senseless moodswings.

BD said...

New title logo, how moist...

Prunella Jones said...

Mark your calendar, Morbid. June 12th - 18th is Glue Sniffing Week. Be sure and stock up on a good supply of Elmers. And don't forget July 21st, National Gas Huffing Day, one of my favorites. My family and I like to gather around the Suburban and sing Bon Jovi songs while breathing in the silky fumes and gnawing on Aunt Ester's rock hard lemon-peppermint bars. Good times.

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- I think it's more irriguous, really.

prunella jones -- My calendar is marked; however, every day is Glue-Sniffing Week when your diet consists of top ramen with a spicy sriracha Elmer's Glue sauce.

It's good to know that you and your family won't kowtow to high gas prices and will be celebrating National Gas Huffing Day properly.

My aunt is a bit of a culinarian herself. I don't think she's ever made lemon-peppermint bars, but she's quite famous for her pickled purple-onion and caperberry marshmallow spheres. Happy Holidays.

just thinking said...

Morbid have you been reading B's book of made up words lately?

morbid misanthrope said...

just thinking -- No. I rarely get around to reading fiction these days. It's really a flibendorging shame.

neko said...

nice blog header thingie, btw.

very bloody and squishy..

[well, that's my disturbed perception anyway]

honkeie2 said...

I now know Sheryl Crown has a dirty shit crusted ass. And why she is at it why doesnt she use reusable sanitary napkins? Washing and reusing her bloody rags could probably help the enviroment out as well.
Blockbuster is usually the land of the lesser educated beings. Not saying all that go there or grab ass feces flinging baboons but pretty damn close. Hell I go in from time to time, I love the zoo.
4/20: It would only be a day to celebrate if that was the only day you smoked up and read books on WWII. And giggled at every picture of dead jews.

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- And as we all know, the more difficult something is to read, the more metal it is. That's form over function. Take that, establishment! Take that, college graphic design and typography teacher that hated every font other than Helvetica!

honkeie2 -- Good thinking. Unless Sheryl Crow is wearing a sheep betwixt her thighs--an old, earth-friendly feminine sanitary device used by the wives of druids--we know she hates earth.

I hate going to Blockbuster. The only good thing about visiting that store is getting to watch the delightful Hillary Duff videos playing over and over on their TVs.

I like to giggle at the historically accurate fact that Hitler had a testicle bitten off by a donkey.

Terrible lie said...

Unfortunately for us leprosy is cureable.. I have noticed in my 26 yrs that it is the seniors that think they have some right to cut in line.. Like they don't have to fucking wait because they have lived 3 times as long as we have..Or maybe they think.. that we will think.. they are stupid and they just didn't realize they cut in front of us...I'm sry but I am the first person to say .. Whether young or old.. Smart or stupid.. "Hey bud! The line starts here... Behind me."
You known I used to smoke pot for yrs.. Every day.. The first thing I did when I woke in the morning before I even opened my eyes.. Was search with my hand for the pot tray to grabbed my ready rolled doob to start the day.. And I had never heard of 4:20 .. Not until I had quit smoking..Only because after I had kids I just didn't like it anymore.. Soooooo ... 4:20 to me is just stupid..meaning less..
Anywoo.. I am a old school rocker
I enjoy bands such as Tool and Nine Inch Nails.. Um.. Some Pantera and Slipknot... I still listen to the same old songs every day and love them as much as the first time I heard them.. Mudvayne and Taproot... Hellyeah* Has some tunes as well... I donno... I hate change and as far as I'm concerned there are not too many bands that can top the greats.. Well what I concider greats*** I enjoy Alexis on fire and Alice in chains.. Alittle Otep ..Cause I'm a chick and she is hard core.. And I love classic rock... hahahaha okee well this should be a fucking post!!

morbid misanthrope said...

Yes, leprosy is curable … when it isn’t caused by ancient gods. That leprosy is vicious and as permanent as ultra-herpes.

Old people do seem to cut in line a lot. A lot of old ladies with shopping carts full of jugged wine usually run into me. That’s why I have to tip their carts and light them on fire. They’re like children. Retarded children. They have to learn sometime.

I’ve never smoked weed, but I’ve known a lot of people that did. They’d wake and bake and continue smoking all day every day. Then when 4/20 came along, they acted like it was a big deal. Well, perhaps if you only smoked it once a year it would be worth caring about. I’m surprised they were able to keep track of the date. It was probably the only thing they had marked on their calendars. Hell, they probably bought their calendars from a head shop, pre-marked for 4/20.

Alice in Chains is cool. I listen to them every now and then. They were pretty metal at times. I saw a video of AIC performing with Phil from Pantera on YouTube a while back. He was singing “Would” with them. Fuckin’ awesome. Phil’s got some pipes when he’s not all junked up. If you haven’t heard Down and Superjoint Ritual yet, you should check them out (Phil sings in both bands). Also, Jerry Cantell (from Alice in Chains) has some good solo material, particularly Boggy Depot. If you like frontwomen that kick ass, well, as much ass as a woman can kick, anyway, check out newer Arch Enemy and newer Sinister (they had a girl singer for two albums I think).

Terrible lie said...

Yes I have heard of Down..They are touring right now with Megadeth.. I fucking love them from when I was a teen! So sad about Layne staley..If he hadn't been so hard into the dope.. He would have had so much left to give thew music world.. Vinnie Paul is in a band Called "Hellyeah..You heard it?? Not too shabby..Just heard them a few months ago but I guess they came out in 05.. I do like lots of bands.. Those are just a few I thought of off the top of my head..
I also LOVE movies and I have made a list of movies I enjoy.. not that those are the only movies I like I have many more and I am making another list..

morbid misanthrope said...

terrible lie -- It is a bummer about Layne; yet another casualty of that filthy chemical. That’s the music bizz, I ‘spoze.

I’m glad Vinnie is still playing music after what happened to Dimebag. That was really quite a pity. I like a lot of weird music as well. In fact, I’m listening to some crazy black metal band whose logo I can’t decipher. It probably has something to do with Satan, hell, and kicking a nun in the jaw—such is the lyrical M.O. of so many black metal bands. Oh well.

Movies can be good, and when they are I like them very much. When they are bad, however, it is very upsetting. Sometimes I’ll rent the movie picks of the video rental store staff, that way if they’re good I can thank them. And if they’re bad, I can get some sort of twisted revenge involving mutilation.