Thursday, July 12, 2007

An Expert's Take on MySpace.com

I hate MySpace. It’s stupid. Besides, what the fuck would a misanthrope want with a social networking site, anyway? At first I was just going to rant about how MySpace is nothing but a place for fat chicks with deceptively slimming high-angle photos to pick up internet boyfriends; a place for old perverts to prey on stupid preteens who believe every online profile they read; and a place where foreigners can meet American women desperate to get married, i.e., their ticket to American citizenship. But then I started thinking about how much productivity suffered at the magazine where I worked because all of the ditzy ad sales girls spent their entire working day fucking around on MySpace.

If MySpace could cripple a business in such a way, perhaps it isn’t just an innocent place for people to make friends/keep track of friends online. Perhaps it’s something more evil, more insidious. Whenever I have these kinds of paranoid thoughts, I start looking shit up on the internet—modern scholarly research, if you will. At any rate, I discovered quite a bit of information that blew my mind. Most of this enlightening information came from one source: a self-proclaimed genius and ancient civilizations/end of the world expert named Thadius H. J. Bandercatchum (AIM handle, XxCommander6669xX).

Since he knows more than I ever hope to know on the subject of MySpace (and something called “tentacle porn” that he offered to sell me a box of), I asked him to write a post for this blog, summarizing the major discoveries he’s made. So, anyone still reading this crap, please enjoy having your entire perception of reality altered by this great man.

Cordially,

Morbid Misanthrope
MySpace: Destroyer of Worlds
By Thadius H. J. Bandercatchum

In order for what I’m about to tell to make sense, I suggest all you plebeians just accept my immense genius and try to wrap your pin-shaped heads around the gobbets of information I’m going to drop before you. Judging by the intellect of Morbid Misanthrope (oh, how clever, alliteration—what a twat), you, his devoted readers, must be incredibly stupid. Who else but complete fools would consistently give a shit what someone calling himself Morbid Misanthrope has to say. That idiot writes like a 45-year-old ex-junkie working his way through Hooked on Phonics for the seventh or eighth time. That’s neither here nor there, however, because no matter how below me an audience is, it is an audience nonetheless. My message is what matters, so I don’t mind casting pearls before swine occasionally.

Before I “learn y’all something,” I think I’ll tell you a little about myself. The only thing equal to my genius is my awesomeness and ability to get hot ladies constantly. I’m so cool that I say things like, “My name’s Thadius, Thadius Bandercatchum. You’ve got big hooters. Now go over there and make out with that sexy nurse” and it actually works. I’m so pimp, as the kids like to say, that I’ve had sex with over 300 lesbians—the pretty ones, not those manly dyker bikers with plastic wieners sewn on. In fact, I once had three-hour-long sex with six lesbians on the back of a Harley Davidson while changing the bike's oil and rebuilding the engine. One super-hot lesbian actually called my boner “Thad’s third arm” because it’s got reach.

Anyway, aside from my poon-pounding prowess, I’m also a genius. I make over $200,000 a year just for being so goddamned smart. I don't even use my genius as a full-time job. I only freelance. Yes, I’m really that smart. So pay attention to what I have to say. I’m going to make this painfully quick so none of your heads explode.

Point 1: The End of the World Hexagram in the I Ching
There’s no way any of you can possibly comprehend the complexities of the I Ching, so allow me to just say this: The Hexagram in the I Ching that represents the end of the world can be translated to—if you also include its inner trigram—“ Mai Sczpace.”

Point 2: The Mayans and Their End of the World Predictions
These are the simple facts: The Mayans were very, very smart (even though their skin was a funny color and they didn’t speak proper English). Unfortunately for them, they were shit when it came to surviving, and they were all destroyed by Spaniards that came to the Americas by accident on their way to find the famous Chinese Opium Trade. However, before they were wiped out by lisping Europeans with silly pants and single-shot rifles, they managed to predict the end of the world. I’ll spare you their methods. For the sake of your fragile minds, we’ll just say they used magic.

According to their calendar, the end of the world will occur in December 2012. Pictured below is the Mayan Calendar Stone (sometimes called the Aztec Sun Stone—the Mayans stole it from the Aztecs as a revenge prank after some Aztec warriors greased the stairs of one of the Mayan pyramids and made a bunch of the human sacrifices fall down in a comical fashion). At the very top of the stone, where 12:00 would be on a clock, is a symbol that represents the end of the world. Look at the symbol the Mayans used to represent the destruction of the planet. If that’s not the Myspace logo, then I never banged Scarlett Johansson (I did bang Scarlett Johansson, by the way).


Point 3: Plato’s Pre-Atlantis Utopia
I have to assume that all of you have heard of Plato. If not Plato, surely you’ve all heard of his famous story about Atlantis. Disney made a cartoon movie about it, which I’m sure most of you have seen.

I have discovered a little-known story written by Plato that predates his Atlantis story by over three weeks. I shouldn’t have to tell you how significant this story is (although I’m sure some of you will miss out on its relevance entirely). Here is a copy of Plato’s pre-Atlantis story:

There once was a brilliant society, with technology like no other society on Zeus' flat earth. This society was called Mu-Nod, and was the envy of every other city on earth. While other societies reveled in goat sex and naked male-on-male wrestling, Mu-Nod shunned such nonsense and instead focused on progress.

They developed something called bathrooms, which were places where one, alone as opposed to a group setting, could bathe or drop a deuce on marble thrones. They also had flying chariots that could transport a person from place to place at an amazing speed. It was said that the very gods of Olympus vacationed there.

Then, one day, the scientists of this magnificent city created something called "ThyPlace." This system, which enabled citizens to communicate with each other through long cables suspended throughout the city, led to their very downfall.

Instead of working and inventing, the denizens of Mu-Nod sent each other vapid messages and manipulated photos of themselves. They updated their "ThyPlace" pages many times a day, virtually crippling their productivity. They spent all their time quoting ignorant celebrities and customizing their personal "ThyPlace" pages. Soon, however, the morally lacking invented fake personalities for themselves in order to "befriend" the youngest members of the society. Perversity ran rampant.

The less people worked and the more time they spent sending messages to each other led to severe economic decline. The city deteriorated and went to pot.

Soon, the gods themselves decided to punish the wicked, slovenly population of Mu-Nod. They called everyone on "ThyPlace" dorks, which is another word for whale dick, and destroyed the entire civilization for its wickedness. Thusly, this great city perished as it fell beneath the waves of the ocean, brought down by its inability to function because of a silly social-networking program.

This story is true; may the gods fornicate me with an olive branch if I tell a lie. Let this be a lesson to all of the other cities in the world—a warning, as it were. The entire world is at risk if they heed not these words. Thank you, and good night.

There you have it. MySpace is certainly a modern version of the “ThyPlace” that destroyed the magical kingdom of Mu-Nod. The same terrible fate could await us if we continue to use MySpace so recklessly. Also, Plato essentially called MySpace users dorks. So, unless you want to be a fucking dork, I suggest you quit screwing around with MySpace.

Point 4: Nostradamus’ Quatrains
Since most of you probably have no idea who Nostradamus is, I'll enlighten you. Even a genius like me can be charitable sometimes. Why, just the other day I bought a pencil from a deaf retard on the subway. This is the abridged version of Nostradamus’ history, written to make sense to cigarette-smoking chimps. I think you’ll all be able to understand it.

Nostradamus was born a long time ago in a land far away. He was a pissed off kid because his parents named him Michelle. That's why he started calling himself Butch. Since he lived in a salon, no one bought the "tough" name. That pissed him off even more, so he killed his wife and kid and blamed it on the plague.

Still desperate to look manly, he married a new lady named Anne. She was really stupid, but he only married her as a trophy wife so it didn't really matter. It was rumored that she spoke terrible French and couldn't cook for a damn, but she had huge tits and that was all ol' "Butch" needed to help his reputation.

He also grew a sweet beard and moved into a spooky-looking tower where he started writing poetry. Realizing a French poet would make people world wide question his masculinity for all time, he changed his name to Nostradamus and spread rumors that he was writing some spooky shit about the future, not fruity poems about wine and flowers.

Then, everyone was all mystified by Nostradamus and they read his terrifying poems, or quatrains as he called them. Quatrain is basically a word Nostradamus said the ghosts told him to use to describe his fortune-telling.

Anyway, he wrote a bunch of quatrains and people were afraid of the end of the world that he may or may not have predicted. You see, Nostradamus was a sneaky fellow, and many experts believe his quatrains weren't really predictions, but really bad jokes only he got.

Regardless, people have been scared of Nostradamus for hundreds of years now. They also call him a prophet and celebrate his birthday every year by wearing fake beards and silly hats.

I have found a few quatrains that predict the birth of MySpace and its terrible effects on humanity. It's pretty damned amazing, so hold on to your helmets and read on.

With a click and a blank stare
They speak to friends they've never met
Where the young are really old men
And the women are too

And another one:

Self-absorbed, empty-headed fools
Quote lines from bad plays and lyrics from mindless music at each other
Bright pink backgrounds blind the unprepared
Women much fatter than their pictures suggest

And, most ominously:

The system shall corrupt the world
Bringing mental-retardation and exaggerated self-importance
Name after name will be added to lists
Nyspice will bring social ruin

In the last line there, I interpret "Nyspice" to mean "MySpace"; much like other Nostradamus experts believe Nostradamus' "Hister" meant "Hitler." It couldn’t be more clear that Nostradamus predicated MySpace’s ability to bring about terrifying social ruin.

For any of you still reading along without understanding the big picture, I’ll spell it out for you: MySpace will bring about the end of the world. The proof is all there … in a condensed, blog-friendly kind of way. If any of you dare to learn more about MySpace ushering in the end of the planet as we know it, you can visit my website at ****************** and buy my books from **********. Also, if there are any especially sexy ladies who want to get nailed by a genius before the world comes to an end, you can call **********. That’s my cell. Hot ladies can also find saucy pictures of me on MySpace.

[Editor’s Note: All of Thad’s contact information has been blocked by the owner of this blog because Thad called him a twat.]

32 comments:

jungle jane said...

Jesus dude you are a fucking genius. No seriously. MySpace is seriuosly the work of the devil - all that blinking and flashing makes me bleach my eyes more often than i want.

Sadly you have not included Facebook in your predictions of evil. I am certain that Plato would find that Cum In My Face-book will destroy the universe by 2008.

morbid misanthrope said...

jungle jane -- While Thad is a complete and total stuck-up dick, I do agree with him regarding MySpace.

I didn't contribute much to the evidence because Thad seemed to do a good job with that, but I did ask one of my college science teachers about MySpace. Here's what she said:

"MySpace is indeed bad for your health. I have proven this by swirling these colorful chemicals around in my vials. I even put this one vial on a bunsen burner. Plus, I was able to use a mathematical formula to prove this theory. I would show you my work, but you sucked at science when you went to school here, and I'm sure you still suck at it, so what's the point? I will say, however, that the formula is very long and impressive and I used a whole box of chalk writing it out on the blackboard. To recap: Science proves MySpace is bad for you. Now get the hell out of my science lab before I throw deadly chemicals on you."

I only heard about FaceBook yesterday, which is why I didn't ask Thad to write anything about it. MySpace is much more prevalent--and dangerous--right now (in the USA, anyway).

Té la mà Maria - Reus said...

congratulations is very good blog
fantastic !!

salutations from Catalonia Spain

morbid misanthrope said...

te la ma maria - reus -- Garcias, amoeba. Greetings from my cave in California, USA.

Erica AP said...

I do it for the band, man!! Don't be hatein' the playa'!!

BD said...

Condensed. That took me forever and a month...

Notre Dame, the hunchback or the quarterback - where was Nostradamus from? You haven't covered the Facebook or Bebo pandemics. For the aged yet somehow sophisticated networkers (the iPhone sort) and the 'pedo' / retarded youth respectively.

BD said...

I thought twat was a no no word in the US. Also, MySpace must be a terrorist tool its been spoke about on Fox more than once...

Prunella Jones said...

Oh come on, Morbid! Unblock Thad's contact information. I want to get nailed by a genius! I've already done it with enough MySpace morons.

willow-strand said...

Thad is one long-winded, make-your-ears-bleed, vomit-inducing, bore-you-to-tears MORONIC-STINKO.

I'm feeling a lot of rage, and not just because the genius took too long to get to the point, didn't know how to summarize, and bored the hell out of me; but because this is the first time that I've heard of deceptively slimming high-angle photos! Forget about pearls before swine, that's a little golden nugget that I can put to good use to scare up my next online romance.

NewYorkMoments said...

Nyspice makes me wish for the end of the world.

Captain Smack said...

Man, I'm glad you wrote this. Now I don't feel like I have to write about it.

A friend of mine is all into myspace recently, and she insisted that I put up a profile. So I created an account and started working on the page. Myspace is, by far, THE most retarded web system I've ever seen. Everything is ass-backwards, half the crap doesn't work, they have the most convoluted style sheet system you could create, pages take forever to load, if they load... and I really don't see how it's supposed to help me bang hot chicks. It just doesn't seem effective for that, especially compared to, oh I don't know, leaving the house, for example.

neko said...

^_^

i've never been to MySpace.

Do they have rainbows?

I hear it's an orgy waiting to happen..

cyber-orgy.

UBERMOUTH said...

LMAO but they have lovely glittery graphics.
I a too lazy and too much of a hermit to bother with MY Space.Does that make me a genuis that I don'tknow anything about it?

Captain Smack said...

Where's Morbid?

morbid misanthrope said...

erica ap – Doing it for the band, huh? Well, Hitler only did it for the fatherland. Just sayin’.

Oooohhh, you have a band? I’ll have to check that out then … goddamnit: I concede that MySpace is a good way to promote a band.

bd – I know Nostradamus was born in France; probably in some town named after a wine I can’t afford.

Twat is a “no-no” word pretty much anywhere English is spoken, I think. I picked up saying it from all of that English classic literature I had to read in Jr. High.

MySpace may bring about the end of existence, but I don’t think it’s a terrorist tool. 1.) Terrorists hate MySpace because they sound silly claiming Allah invented it through his prophet Mohammad 2.) MySpace has only been on Fox News because Rupert Murdoch bought it.

prunella jones – If you wanna score with a genius, I suggest looking for skinny guys in berets hanging around in the art or philosophy sections of book stores. Those guys are dying to make sure everyone knows they’re geniuses. Oh yeah, and guys typing on laptops at Starbucks—those guys are geniuses, too. Why else would they be there? Bonus genius points if they’re wearing a vintage t-shirt and listening to an Indy band “you just have to check out.”

willow-strand – Thad is an asshole, but his information was too important not to post. I could have summarized it or rewritten it myself, but I had to go out of town on ninja business. I suppose I should have posted a warning instead of a flattering introduction. That’s what happens when I let my editor do this shit for me.

I don’t think you need to use any slimming photos of yourself. Perhaps getting rid of that family of squirrels, at least for the photo, might help, though. If badgerbob doesn’t have dibs on the squirrel meat, I’d like to put my name on it now. If he does have dibs on the meat, may I at least kill the little buggers?

newyorkmoments – I never stop wishing for the end of the world. I just know my seats are going to be sweet.

captain smack – I’ll give Thad your regards the next time I see him. That dick stole my Commander X bootleg lecture DVD, so I’ll probably be seeing him pretty soon … with my tire iron.

I’ve never used MySpace, but I’ve heard that it is infinitely crappy. Since you’re already willing to leave the house to get laid, MySpace isn’t really for you. However, if you do want to bang a black chick, it might be a good place for you to earn some e-street cred, yo. I’ll e-mail you some awesome Flavor Flav animated GIFs later. Post a few of those things and you’re so in it’s ridiculous.
I apologize for the absence; like I mentioned a minute ago: off on ninja business.

neko – Cyber-orgy? Well now there’s a term I haven’t heard since I accidentally walked into the IT department’s office in my first year of college. Sometimes I really loathe technology.

ubermouth – I enjoy glittery graphics as much as the next guy, but www.webhamster.com beats the hell out of MySpace any day. When I really want to enjoy some glittery graphics, though, I wipe a dead stripper on one of my coloring books. Or a dead hooker—let it never be said that morbid misanthrope believes hookers aren’t good enough to wear body glitter just like strippers.

BD said...

Twat is fine here. We've don't allow Howdy though, it's a bit gay you know...

Big A, he invented most things didn't he? Have they got him on Fox yet?

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- Howdy is kind of a gay word, eh, what what? Pip pip, cheerio, spotted dick, blimey! Bloody hell, wanker! Oh, Raspberries!

They tried to put Allah on Fox once, but it caused riots, so they just played an O'Reilly Factor marathon, which just caused mild irritation.

neko said...

calling someone a "twat" is not very polite at all.

if you're gonna go for anatomic name-calling, why not go the "male" way?

i mean, if a guy calls another guy a female reproduction organ, does that mean the name-caller guy is tryna f***/scr*w/fornicate with the name-callee?

hmmm.....

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- That's a very interesting question. I never thought of it that way; sort of a Freudian angle, isn't it? I just figured Thad was trying to sound like a sassy Englishman--English accents are expected of all geniuses. I’ll ask him about it when I tie his head to his feet and kick him down the street.

honkeie2 said...

Wow I had just enough smarts to read dat. Mes not da smartest but I know myspace is da debil!
I have seen my wife's sister go into a myspace coma. I started drinking one night and she went on myspcae to add things, put up songs, change the layout, add pictures and whatever else someone might do there. I finished a 12 pack of beer, some yagger and so werid girlie drinks that tasted like watermellons and she was still on that damn thing. And in the end I spent about 6 hours of drinking and she spent 6 hours making her myspace look crowded and way to busy.
What is even funnier, if you have a crappy computer some of those myspace pages will crash your system because of the over load of bullshit all at once.
My pc can handle watching scat porn, beastiality and looking up information on the church of satatn but once I troll over to myspace it just freezes up. That tells you something about it.....I think.

morbid misanthrope said...

honkeie2 -- I think it's pretty obvious that spending six hours drinking alcohol is a much better way to spend your time than fucking around on MySpace. Be careful drinking that watermelon-flavored alcohol; that stuff's so sweet it attracts female bees on Spring Break looking to party and just get "a little loose." They tend to sting a lot.

Scat porn, bestiality, and the Church of Satan: all things that can be found on Hillary Clinton's MySpace page. How strange.

Prunella Jones said...

I believe Lynn Cheney wrote a novel about twin lesbian sisters who had a three way with a donkey in a satanic church. Hot stuff.

honkeie2 said...

I think Mrs.Bush was in a scat porn video. I think her nickname was 'ShitEater'

Prunella Jones said...

Are you referring to Barbara or LAura, Honkeie2? I suppose it doesn't matter as I can easily picture either one with a Dirty Sanchez.

honkeie2 said...

well Barbara is known as the 'Old Fart Licker'

BD said...

English people and being geniuses?! What beyond a self assigned false sense of importance has ever came out of England?

morbid misanthrope said...

prunella jones -- I think I'd rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than read that book. Terrifying.

honkeie2 -- Well, they never mentioned that video in National Review, so I'm not sure if it was really her or not. Maybe ... is she German?

prunella jones -- Based on President Bush's lax stance on illegal immigration, I wouldn't be surprised to see any member of the Bush family hanging out with someone named Sanchez--dirty or otherwise.

honkeie2 -- "Old Fart Licker" as in she's old and licks farts or she licks old farts? The English language is a beautiful and complex thing.

bd -- Well, Spinal Tap hails from England, and they're geniuses.

Miss Smack said...

i used to have a profile there and managed to figure out how to personalise it and upload some code, but fuck me, it's so damn boring!

Deleted it some time ago and hate the place now.

morbid misanthrope said...

miss smack -- MySpace is boring, pointless, and may very well bring about the end of the world. So, all in all, it's probably a good thing you don't have a profile there anymore.

Miss Smack said...

Amen to that.

I have a link on my site 'Dead Kids of MySpace' which links convicted kiddie fiddlers to their matching myspace profiles and the media article of what crime they committed by using Myspace to lure kids.

NASTY!!

morbid misanthrope said...

miss smack -- I'm sure that site will come in handy for my yearly pervert hunt, where I track down child predators and mutilate them with various sharp and jagged implements before leaving them, barely alive, at the local prison. Lately, all I've had to do to catch perverts is follow Chris Hansen (from TV's To Catch a Predator) around, but that guy smells like old-lady hair and charred tweed. It's the damndest thing.

Moya said...

Well written article.