Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Independence Day


28 comments:

neko said...

i'm just sorta surprised that you don't have a pic of "the Hoff" in there.

Happy Independence Day!

And remember to regularly check the sky for UFOs!

honkeie2 said...

Hoff vs Norris.....hmmmmmmm who would win?

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- The Hoff asked me not to use his picture. He's still reeling from that drunk video where he was trying to eat a hamburger on the floor. Being on this blog, he feared, would completely destroy his career. As far as I'm concerned, if his career could survive Baywatch Nights it can survive anything.

It was a great Independence Day. I killed thirteen aliens with nothing but poorly made Chinese black cats and a tennis ball dipped in gasoline.

honkeie2 -- Norris would win, of course. He's hairier and deadlier. No lifeguard is going to beat a Texas Ranger in a fight.

neko said...

that british dude is either really annoyed, or just did a number 2 in his "hammer" pants.

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- Good observations, but I think he's just terrified by and in awe of Chuck Norris' awesome, ass-kicking power. I know I am.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

That's the best 4th of July tribute I've ever seen. It brings a tear to my eye. I'm so proud...

Alright! Let's break for beer!

jungle jane said...

Why is Norris breaking wind on the Eagle's head?

morbid misanthrope said...

queen of dysfunction -- It's always nice to hear from another Patriotic American.

You should see the one I did where Steven Seagal is wearing king George's rectum like a watch and stuffing his head into a meat grinder.

jungle jane -- He's not breaking wind. Chuck Norris doesn't have the organs necessary to produce flatus--his guts are just rocks, nails, and shards of volcanic glass.

Prunella Jones said...

It's so amazing that you used this picture to celebrate the fourth! I was actually just reading about the true history of the Revolutionary War in a pamphlet given to me by a really stinky homeless guy. It said that Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot ripped a hole in the time-space continuum. Apparently he was thrust into the middle of a battle between the British and Americans. Being the cool dude that he is, he used his beard to deflect the bullets of the Redcoats, thus allowing George Washington to win. It was a lucky thing for us all. Well except for the poor people who heard the sonic boom caused by the time travel. That made everyone within a hundred mile radius deaf.

Glad you had a productive fourth.

morbid misanthrope said...

prunella jones -- Oh, so that's how he got there. I was kind of wondering about that. But, you know, when Chuck Norris calls, those that answer without question or hesitation are often those lucky enough to die a quick and painless death. Chuck Norris' beard is even better than Steven Seagal's pony tail.

just thinking said...

Can't believe B had no comment here...

morbid misanthrope said...

I can't believe he read this awful blog as long as he did.

Captain Smack said...

I'm not trying to correct you, Morbid, I would never do that, as you are clearly a man who knows his business, but it almost sounded like you were implying that Chuck Norris was unable to break wind. I'm sure this wasn't what you were saying, but just to be on the safe side (he may come across this post) it might be good to clear this up.

The fact is that Chuck Norris breaks whatever Chuck Norris wants to break, including wind, rocks, steel construction beams, the space/time continuum, or even God's balls. I heard he once broke the color "blue" with just a single hair from his mustache.

I wish I had been home to read your post on the 4th of July, instead of out shooting bottle rockets at small children, because this post reminded me of what being an Patriotic American is really all about. No matter how divided the country becomes on this issue or that issue, one thing we can all agree on: Thank God we're not fucking British.

morbid misanthrope said...

captain smack -- Noted and appreciated, Cap'm. I wouldn't want to get on Chuck's bad side (I should also note that Chuck Norris doesn't have a bad side, photographically speaking). If I piss him off, he'll probably wish cancer on me or something.

I seem to recall the time Chuck broke the color blue. Blue called itself teal for, like, six months after that. I had to buy all new crayons.

Yes, Independence Day is truly a wondrous holiday, where instead of making fun of the French like we do every other day of the year, we make fun of the British.

BD said...

Chuck Norris is gash, he sings me to sleep. Pansy ass, the Hoff would walk away with that one...

Those boots are kinda cute though.

I do apologise, it takes me time to think of something hilarious enough to warrant the effort to type and risk showing to the public.

That guy doesn't look very British anyway, maybe an American dressed up wanting to be a redcoat - kinda like your Delta wanting to be SAS, your Hilary wanting to be Ester or something like that.

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- Good call. That guy is obviously not British. He's Canadian. I tried to find an authentic Brit in redcoat attire to photograph, but they were all too busy complaining about how stupid Americans are while trying on dresses to see which floral pattern makes their humor the driest.

BD said...

Printed pink forget-me-nots with a sheer yellow scarf. Yeah, the Canadians just can't let go to the motherland. Americans aren't stupid...

BD said...

You did mean the British men, right? I hope I haven't revealed a national secret...

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- Oh yes, the yellow scarf really does the trick. I always forget about accessories.

Of course I was referring to the British men. British women all have to wear burqas now.

just thinking said...

Morbid and BD-- you two are so sassy...


We can't believe you read our refined and posted for those of delicate senses and enquiring, intuitive minds either.

Suffice it to say... he does have a bad streak but then again I'm the one who turned BD onto this blog...

morbid misanthrope said...

just thinking -- I haven't been called sassy since my days as a 1980s teen boy band idol. I was the guy in the group that wore bandanas and was too cool to dance.

I'm a sensitive, poetic soul myself, you know. I wept bitterly when Maya Angelou was trampled to death by three angry elephants and a cranky parakeet.

BD said...

What are you complaining about, 'sassy' is a promotion for me.

British women all have to wear burqas now.

(Yes, I do sometimes laugh.)

Ouch.

I read today, a film is going to be made about the baggage handler who 'handled' the 'terrorist' situation at Glasgow International airport with the aid of local police. He said to the newspaper (the sort you can buy for 5 cents) that he would help make it as realistic as possible but the image of seeing the man burning inside the car haunts him everytime his eyes close.

What a hero - he's obviously been watching too much Steven Segal and not enough of the Hoff.

Maybe Apple will give him a free iPhone...

NewYorkMoments said...

How could we NOT have taken the country from a bunch of tea drinking, wig wearing, limp wristed little pussies!

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- I'll tell you, if I saw a man burning to death inside of a car every time I closed my eyes instead of what I see now, I might just be normal enough to pass mental health screenings and get a better job.

If he did get an iPhone, he'd be able to take pictures of people being incinerated in vehicles. He'd have to take pictures of fire with his iPhone: the $600 + thing doesn't even have a flash.

newyorkmoments -- Substitute booze-drinking for tea-drinking and you'd be talking about the entire Kennedy family.

BD said...

NYM - maybe you need a history lesson since 'you' have only ever fought a civil war and are still as white and non-native as you were when Europe strolled in?

A. It took Pussies how many years to actually get involved in WWII, when they could've been helping instead of waiting for a country small enough to make at joke at their expense that they felt they could take on.
B. Pussies annoyed and then ran from the Vietcong.
C. Pussies dusted Afghanistan off on a proper army.
D. Pussies took two goes at Iraq and still didn't get the job done.
E. Pussies charge everyone an extra $2.50 just to fund the whatever other ineffective fear prevention they can muster.

Need I go on.

Plus, tea doesn't grow well in the US anyway does it?

Morbid - this guy was a baggage handler, why on earth would he want a better job? Besides the population of that area don't really like to work and after a few visits to some of the 'less developed' pockets of the city I'm surprised he hadn't seen anyone being burnt alive before, even ones in a burqa...

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- I'm not speaking for newyorkmoments, but as an American, I feel I must respond.

A. Had Hitler been making the inhabitants of his country eat raw fish, we probably would have bombed him first.
B. Blame Jane Fonda and the hippies for that one; hippies are not proper Americans and Jane Fonda is a twattergob.
C. and D. If I were in charge, I would have ignored those goddamned wimpy liberals and ended this Middle Eastern conflict in a few weeks with bombs--lots and lots of heavy bombs. Bush is too much of a wuss to put his foot down, but that's all I do.
E. It's the ridiculous cigarette tax that really pisses me off.

I think we grow our tea in vending machines that spit it out in a can, cold, and pre-sweetened.

Baggage handler is a pretty sweet job. Shit, I'm jealous. You're right, though. If that guy hasn't seen people being burned alive already, he must not be paying very close attention. Or maybe he’s just a filthy racist who ignores other cultures.

BD said...

There you go again about being American, like that gives you some token to give your opinion [sic] on absolutely everything...

Sigh, this is going on and on. When really we're both just plain ol'shit compared to the Chinese. Cause that Made In China is about to turn into Made Properly In China.

I was merely ensuring that the multicultural haven for dress wearing tea sipping 'funny' men wasn't confused with the Pussies who couldn't fit in the Great part of the empire.

We really need to bring back those import lines. I'd bring the Kennedy family back from the dead in a flash, you know, if I could.

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- Before you think about bringing any of the Kennedy family back, how about you help me "get rid" of Ted? You Brits are so subtle and crafty, I’m sure you’d be able to help me suppress my American urge to kick in doors while wearing cowboy boots and shoot everyone in the room.

I’d be willing to discuss this over tea, which I will drink hot and unsweetened as long as it’s Asian.