Saturday, October 13, 2007

Taxicab Conversations

CALL ONE

Phone Operator 1: Brand A Cab Company, how can I help you?
Morbid Misanthrope: Hello, I need a cab to pick me up again tomorrow at 9:30 am.
PO1: Uh-huh. What address?
MM: (home address)
PO1: And where are you going?
MM: Beefy Yakov’s Slaughterhouse and Used Plastic Tarp Emporium.
PO1: Are you, like, going to work or something?
MM: Yes, I’m going to work.
PO1: How will you be paying?
MM: With cash.
PO1: Well, we don’t take checks, so can you pay with cash or something?
MM: Yeah, I’ll pay with cash—just like I did this morning.
PO1: Yeah, well, actually, we don’t send cabs to your area, so you’ll have to call someone else.
MM: Excuse me?
PO1: We don’t send cabs to that area.
MM: Since when?
PO1: Since, like, forever.
MM: But a driver from your company picked me up this morning.
PO1: That’s impossible.
MM: It’s not impossible, because it happened—this morning.
PO1: Sir, again, we don’t—nor have we ever—sent cabs to that area. I can give you the number of a company that covers that area, though, I mean, if you really need me to or something.
MM: (Straining to avoid conflict) Ok, what’s the number?
PO1: (Impatient, drawn-out sigh) 555-0666 [Editor’s Note: On my advice, the actual number, and name of the company, has been changed to protect Morb from a lawsuit, even though he wants everyone to “call those donkey fuckers and hassle them with some prank-call bullshit.”]
CLICK

CALL TWO

Phone Operator 2: Brand B Cab Company, how can I help you?
Morbid Misanthrope: Hello, I need a cab to pick me up tomorrow at 9:30 am.
PO2: What address?
MM: (home address)
PO2: Sorry, sir. We don’t cover that area. Besides, it’s, like, pretty ghetto there.
MM: So I’ve heard. But I’m sure none of the criminals are up at that time of day.
PO2: That really depends on what they’ve been smoking.
MM: What?
PO2: Nothing. Anyway, you’ll have to call Brand A Cab Company.
MM: Are you kidding me? I just talked to them. They said to call you because they don’t cover my area, either.
PO2: Well, I don’t know what they’re talking about.
MM: So I have to call those assholes back?
PO2: Yeah, we aren’t licensed to cover your area. They should be, though.
MM: It’s just really weird. They sent a cab for me this morning.
PO2: Are you sure it was their cab?
MM: Yeah, I mean, unless a rogue cab driver just happened to be in front of my building at the exact time they were supposed to send someone over.
PO2: Do you think they’re just, I don’t know, playing a joke on you?
MM: Who? The phone operator?
PO2: Yeah. Was he snickering?
MM: What? Snickering when he told me they wouldn’t send a cab?
PO2: Yeah, snickering usually indicates something funny is happening.
MM: Do you people play jokes on potential customers very often?
PO2: Well, I never do. But some people are just weird.
MM: Yeah, I guess so. Thanks.
CLICK

CALL THREE

Phone Operator 1: Brand A Cab Company. How can I help you?
MM: I need a cab to …
PO1: Sir, did you just call here, like, five minutes ago?
MM: I did, yes, but …
PO1: I already told you, sir: we don’t send cabs to your area.
MM: Listen, I just spoke to someone at the company you told me to call, and she said they aren’t licensed in my area. She said you guys are, though.
PO1: Oh, like she would know where we send cabs better than I would?
MM: This wouldn’t even be an issue except someone from your company picked me up this morning.
PO1: I already told you, pal, that ain’t possible!
MM: Fuck you, it’s not possible! Who the hell picked me up, then?
PO1: I don’t know who it was; I just know it wasn’t one of our cabs!
MM: Really? Even though the goddamned cab was emblazoned with your logo and showed up the exact time your company said it would when I called you last fucking night!
PO1: It wasn’t our cab, you asshole!
MM: So I suppose someone is freelancing with one of your cabs, then?
PO1: That’s possible.
MM: Yeah? He listens to all your incoming calls from his secret hideout, and then he picks up your customers in one of your cabs that he must have stolen, right? After he murdered Ramesh, the cab’s legitimate driver?
PO1: It’s possible. There are some fucked up people out there.
MM: And after all that fucking trouble—slicing up poor Ramesh with a boxcutter to steal his cab—all he does is pick people up and drop them off?
PO1: Sure, why not?
MM: Because that’s motherfucking ridiculous, you dildo!
PO1: It’s still more likely than anyone from our company picking you up, because we don’t fucking service that area!
MM: Bullshit!
PO1: I’m going to hang up now, asshole.
MM: I’m going to kick your ass!
PO1: How are you going to get here? Do you want me to send a cab? ‘Cause we don’t send cabs to your area. Asshole.
MM: I’ll get the ghost of poor, murdered Ramesh to have his Hindu gods send me a laser-shooting Vimana, and I’ll divebomb your bullshit company and annihilate your cock-sucking ass! [Editor’s Note: Those unfamiliar with the Bhagavata-Purana, Mahabharata, and Ramayana and their significance to the field of Ufology should either, A.) Look it up online, or, B.) Be thankful they’re not nerdy enough to understand what Morb is ranting about.]
PO1: Keep on threatening me, prick, this call is being recorded! You’re on tape! You’re on tape, asshole!
MM: Fuck if I care! Are they going to arrest me for threatening you with a goddamned Hindu spaceship? You fucking cocksmoker!
PO1: I hope you like walking, asshole!
MM: I hope you like being a dildo, you dildo!
PO1: Fuck you, pal!
CLICK

24 comments:

NewYorkMoments said...

I totally don't believe any of this happened. There's no way that anyone at a taxi company speaks English.

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- Good point. I was also pretty surprised the operators spoke English--although, the lady had a pretty thick Mexican accent. (You know, Mexican Spanish as opposed to European Spanish.)

The cab driver I had the first day, however, didn't speak more than three or four English words, and was blasting the Hindu equivalent of Britney Spears the entire ride. He also seemed to be confused by money and got all stuttering cranky when he had to give me change.

Prunella Jones said...

Good post, Morb. I would say LOL, since I actually did laugh out loud, but that's so overused and dumb that it sounds trite. And truthfully it was more of a giggle than a "har har" type laugh, but that's because I'm such a girl. Had I been drinking wine while reading this, I might possibly have spit the mouthful all over my keyboard. I mean, I have been drinking wine, but luckily I was not raising the glass to my lips when I clicked over here. I guess I know better than to do that because you are always such a funny fucker.

I haven't had to call a cab since I lived in LA, thank God. For some reason I always ended up with drivers who were either 1)from one of those African countries whose name keeps changing monthly and couldn't speak a word of English, or 2)rednecks with five teeth who made me so nervous I'd have them drop me off two blocks from home so they wouldn't know where I lived. Neither one of those types ever seemed to be familiar with the LA freeway system.

Hope you won't have to rely on cabs long. I imagine not having reliable transportation would make your ninja duties much more difficult.

morbid misanthrope said...

prunella jones -- Thanks for the compliments. No one's said anything that nice about me since that legless bum told me he "wanted my legs! My leeeeeegs!" and tried to shank them off with a broken Thunderbird bottle. Speaking of wine, I'm glad my silliness didn’t cause you to waste a drop. I just couldn’t live with myself if I were responsible for booze going to waste. Because, you know, all those starving African babies with distended stomachs have no wine to drink. That’s one reason why I’ve always been opposed to “pouring one out for my fallen homies” when cracking open the 40s. I don’t like waste, and, well, I have no fallen homies. And even if I did, I’m sure the spilled booze would boil away in the raging flames of hell before a single drop could ever reach them.

I’ve taken cabs in LA a few times, and I think that keeping the drivers from finding out where you live was probably a wise action to take. Better to be robbed and murdered in your LA home by a random, psychopathic intruder than a five-toothed cab driver that followed you home because your tip wasn’t large enough to get him his next 8-ball.

Thankfully, I’m done with taking cabs for a while—my car is fixed. Dealing with dickweeds over the phone still beats the hell out of getting up an hour early to walk to work.

morbidneko said...

sooo... why does "your mother" get a tag?

^_^

Beefcake Almighty said...

One cool way to fuck with cabbies...

Have them come pick you up. Be standing outside in front of your place with a bunch of luggage in front of you.

One item of luggage is a person (friend maybe) or mannequin that you have wrapped in plastic.

Ask cabbie if he might happen to have a bonesaw on him somewhere.

badgerbob said...

Sounds like you moved to Jersey.

UBERMOUTH said...

Hilarious! Now I want to work as a taxi cab operator.

morbid misanthrope said...

morbidneko -- Because. Just because.

beefcake almighty -- That's a great joke. Would it also work with a real plastic-wrapped corpse? Because I've got, like, a bunch of them I need to get rid of. I think the cab drivers around here might actually carry bonesaws ... or at least something I can use to cut bone. If all else fails, though, I'm just hucking corpses into the creek like everyone else.

badgerbob -- I think I just took the rude train to jerkassville ... whatever that means.

ubermouth -- If you do become a taxi dispatcher, watch out for disgruntled callers flying around your office in Hindu space ships. Or disgruntled people standing around outside the office brandishing baseball bats and tire irons, which is, I think, slightly more likely.

badgerbob said...

badgerbob -- I think I just took the rude train to jerkassville ... whatever that means.

I think it means that same train to Coney Island, that the Warriors were trying to reach, while being harrassed by other street gangs, because they were being blamed for the killing of Cyrus.
Cannn you diggitt!

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob -- I never did see that movie. Hell, I never even played the video game. I did, however, once get in a gang fight with a local gang consisting of a Mexican kid, his five cousins, and a Chinese guy that claimed to be a professional boxer. Their gang name sucked, they didn't wear cool costumes, and the gang war was over when I threw the Chinese guy into traffic. The movie is bound to be more entertaining than that, in which case, I'll have to rent it at some point.

NewYorkMoments said...

He had trouble with the money because in his country they use pebbles.

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- Oh yeah, pebbles. Anything too small to pelt someone with is currency. And ground up goat bones are magic.

Mister Underhill said...

I would LOL, but Pru shamed me out of it. Damn you, Pru!

I really like the idea of rogue cab drivers.

Captain Smack said...

Just let us know when your wrath is unleashed and terror reigns down upon them. I won't feel right until this injustice is rectified.

Also, I'm a little surprised that you called a cab in the first place... I always just assumed you rode around on a large, black stallion with glowing red eyes.

morbid misanthrope said...

mister underhill -- The idea of a rogue cab driver is kind of interesting--if not a little creepy. It's kind of like when a doctor takes your urine a bunch of times and then a nurse comes in and is all like, "Hey, who was that guy?" And then you're all, "That was Doctor Steve, taking my twice-daily urine sample like he has been all week." And then the nurse looks all worried and says something like, "There's no Doctor Steve here. That guy is a rogue doctor!" And then when you're in the shower scrubbing your genitals with abrasive soap and steel wool to scourge the creepy off, you can't help but wonder just what the hell that guy wanted with your pee. Anyway, yeah, the rogue cab driver thing is interesting.

captain smack -- My righteous fury was unleashed, my enemies destroyed, and my thirst for vengeance sated--I was not, however, responsible for starting any of those fires in California. Just sayin'.

I actually do ride around on a black stallion of sorts; although, it's technically a half-horse half-hellhound I won after kicking Satan's ass at an all-night Super Puzzle Fighter 2: Turbo tournament. Nothing--hellbeasts included--is perfect and I had to take my trusty steed to the vet. He was coughing up squirrel tails and sinner chunks like he had a case of canine tuberculosis. That's why I had to take a cab for a few days. It's hardly glamorous, but it beats the hell out of walking like some kind of hippy jackass.

morbidneko said...

i'd like to book a one-way ticket on that sweet Hindu spaceship you mentioned.

what's a "cocksmoker"? It sounds painful..

morbid misanthrope said...

morbidneko -- I'll tell Ramesh's ghost you're looking for a ride. Just watch out if you use that laser, it's got a hell of a kick--even though, scientifically speaking, it really shouldn't.

~Miss Smack said...

oh, as much as I feel your pain, that post was fucking hilarious.

morbid misanthrope said...

miss smack -- It seems like most of my pain comes from dealing with the incompetent. Like, for example, when I tried to get my TV fixed at Circuit City. That's why I paid extra for the goddamned warranty. "Um, I ain't know how to fix no TV," said the ghetto-fabulous yet completely clueless employee. Thankfully I had someone to strangle as opposed to just yelling at morons over the phone. I also burned the store down. I felt better, but I never got my TV fixed. I suppose I could have just stolen a new one before I reduced the store to ashes, but I’m no filthy thief.

elyse the portuguese said...

Unfuckingbelievable. What a dick. and What a douche the second teller was.

p.s. fucking hysterical.

morbid misanthrope said...

elyse the portuguese -- Good customer service is indeed dying like a cancer patient getting run over by a garbage truck full of AIDS. Thankfully, I'm quite a dick myself and have no problem giving people shit when they fuck with me ... and then finding them alone later and beating the jerkass out of them with a blunt object.

BD said...

Its been some time since I have made it all the way through. You know it's like Vonage (BD doesn't give a fuck about lawsuits, he's not American) I want to cancel my service - I have paid up to date and thats it for me. Ok, sir...

The next month those dirty fucks sneaked another months fee from me. I mean, it's not like a million zillion bucks, but don't say it's coooool when its not. Thats just not the business at all.

Called them back, We have no record of that request sir...

I talked to [insert some comical Morbid style name for offshore call center dude e.g., Perry] last month his serial is #9746109, so why rape me an extra months fee? Is your commercial a lie?! Are you really not edging out competitors? Instead you molest the good will of your customers who were perfectly happy and would have likely re-initiated their service after moving home.

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- Thanks for the tip. While Vonage had a decent, almost-laugh-worthy TV campaign a while back, I would never contribute to a company that rapes or molests its undeserving customers. Just not the business indeed.