Sunday, November 04, 2007

Making the News

Crazed Man Terrifies Neighborhood
By Max Bojo
Associated Press (10-31-07)

Halloween is a magical day of the year, full of fun, harmless scares, and enough free candy to keep dentists in business for another year. When the sun goes down, costumed children hit the streets looking for nothing more than frightful fun and bagfuls of bite-sized candy treats. This year, however, in a small town about forty-five minutes away from San Francisco, one man bordering on deranged turned frightful fun into real scares.

At approximately 8:00 p.m. Halloween night, an as-yet-unidentified man verbally attacked and terrified tick-or-treaters prowling the neighborhoods just trying to enjoy the traditional Halloween festivities.

“He was screaming at my son like some kind of madman,” said Clara Padilla, mother of five trick-or-treaters present when the incident occurred. “He was flailing around and swearing like crazy. I haven’t seen anyone so enraged since my brother got deported when the police busted him shooting PCP into his groin.”

According to Padilla and other witnesses, as their group of trick-or-treaters crossed the street, someone in a car that had to stop for them began honking the horn repeatedly. Although it was too dark to tell what kind of car the man was driving, all the witnesses could clearly hear “blasting death metal” coming from the vehicle.

Suddenly, the man “leapt” from his vehicle “like some kind of demon” and started screaming at the group of costumed children. He was apparently impatient after having to wait for so many people crossing the street as he drove.

“The man was scary,” said little Jose Padilla, who was dressed like a vampire and was the first child the crazed man verbally assaulted. “He wasn’t wearing a costume, but he, like, looked all crazy. His eyes were all bug-eyed like my Uncle’s when he got arrested. He smelled like cigarettes.”

According to witnesses present, the madman screamed a string of obscenities and threats at the children, who were so terrified they could barely move.

“He said, um, ‘get out of my f—ing way, you stupid little candy beggars! Why don’t you buy candy like goddamned everybody else?’” said Lucinda Morales, another parent at the scene. “He was using such terrible language. I’ve asked everyone I know, and no one has any idea what a ‘twattergob-bobbing meat plunger’ is. I just can’t believe this guy was so mad at us for hanging around in the street. I mean, he could wait. We were just having fun, you know? It was Halloween and stuff.”

Witnesses say he also spent a good five minutes screaming about proper pedestrian-driver etiquette, including: “You a—holes look like you’ve never seen a car before. The concept is simple. I’m driving a two-ton death machine and you’re in front of me in the street. You pricks too good for the sidewalk, are you? It’s only by the f—ing grace of f—ing god that I even stopped. I could have plowed through you little DNA bubbles without feeling bad. In fact, I probably would have been laughing. I think that s—t’s funny as hell!”

He went on to insult the children’s costumes as well, reducing several of them to tears.

“He said I was the gayest power ranger he had ever seen,” said a nine-year-old present who wished to remain anonymous. “He told me I might as well just move to Vermont with my little homo vampire friend so my father can kill himself in shame sooner rather than later. He said they wouldn’t let gays into Clown College, so I had better keep it in the closet until the AIDS makes me look like a skeleton and everyone figures out what I’ve been up to. I don’t know what’s going on. I just wanted free candy!”

The unknown assailant also called a twelve-year-old girl dressed as a ballerina a “fat, sin-impregnated whore,” an eight-year-old dressed as a ninja a “f—ing poseur,” a ten-year-old in a wheelchair dressed as Frankenstein a “green gimp retard,” and a nine-year-old African-American child dressed as an NBA star a “racist joke too easy to make.”

Parents stood by in awe as the scene unfolded, all too shocked and afraid to move.

“I thought he was, like, on drugs or something,” said parent Charlie James. “It looked like his head was gonna pop.” In spite of his fear, however, Mr. James walked over to the screaming man and told him to shut up. At that point, the crazed man kicked Mr. James in the head, screaming “Look what he made me do? Anyone else want to get f—ed up? Huh? I’ve killed before and I’ll kill again!”

At this point, one brave child offered her bag of candy to the screaming, and now dangerous, man, hoping to pacify him. Surprisingly, this moving gesture only enraged the man further. He shrieked and kicked the bag out of the small girl’s hands, screaming “Trying to put me in a coma, huh? You’re not going to kill me that easily! I’ll kick you around like an organ-filled trash bag before I let you trick me! I’m a crafty diabetic with good eyesight!” [Editor’s Note: Sometimes diabetics lose eyesight due to the disease.]

He then hopped back into his car, tearing off at a high rate of speed, still screaming threats as he sped away.

“It was the worst Halloween ever,” said Clara Padilla, shaking her head. “What kind of person would threaten children like that? It’s just unimaginable.”

Crazed Man Strikes Again?
By Max Bojo
Associated Press (11-01-07)

After the neighborhood suffered a terrifying Halloween at the hands of a rabid madman, all anyone wanted was to try to forget about the horrible night and move on. Unfortunately, the scares weren’t over for the neighborhood just because Halloween was.

At approximately 12:30 p.m., lunchtime at the local middle school, a crazed madman—very likely the same man that terrorized children Halloween night—showed up and started attacking children as they ate lunch and played kickball.

School faculty was shocked to see a “grown man, wearing all black, and smoking cigarettes” hop over the playground fence and approach the playing children.

“Our first thought was that another pervert was after the kids, but soon it became apparent that he wasn’t a pervert—just a lunatic,” said Principal Blake.

The man was heard screaming obscenities and threats. School surveillance cameras caught audio of the incident even though the assailant was somehow able to avoid appearing on film. What follows is a partial transcript of that tape’s audio:

Crazed Man: (apparently grabbing the kickball) “Hey, you little bastards. It’s not so easy to play your little game with someone in the way, is it?”
Child: “What?”
Crazed Man: “Yeah, just like it’s not easy to drive home with a bunch of little retarded candy beggars in the middle of the street! How do you idiots like it?”
Child: “Leave us alone!”
Crazed Man: (apparently stabbing the kickball with a knife) “Suffer, fools!”

The crazed man then started kicking over lunch tables where kids were eating. He was heard laughing maniacally and saying, “Can’t enjoy your f—ing spaghetti without a table, can you? Well, I can’t f—ing drive with a bunch of imbeciles high on candy handouts blocking the way! This may be a public school, but you’ll learn something today, goddamnit! Even if you never learn to read! I’m talking to you, Jose Padilla!”

After breaking things, scaring children, and ranting for just under five minutes, the madman was gone as quickly as he appeared. The police are questioning witnesses, but so far have no leads.

Letter to the Editor
Anonymous (11-02-07)

This whole thing is just awful, really. Those poor kids. What a shame.

Anyway, I’m not excusing this "crazy" but undoubtedly handsome guy, but we can’t judge him until we understand his situation. Now, I wasn’t around when he was supposedly terrifying those kids Halloween night, but I was driving home from work at about that time. I did notice a lot of kids messing around in the streets. To be perfectly honest, it was infuriating.

Everywhere I drove I had to wait for caravans of people to cross the street. They were really taking their time, too. I mean, it wasn’t like they were just crossing and getting it over with. They were practically loitering in the street. (Loitering is a crime, so maybe this “crazed man” is really a kind of crimefighter—just a thought.) Some kids were even purposely walking in the street, blocking traffic because they think Halloween gives them a free pass to act like morons. It was maddening.

And the parents were no better. They weren’t watching their kids or anything. They were just walking around all slack-jawed and lackadaisical, letting Jr. do whatever he wanted. Man! How many kids did these people have? I counted seven or eight in some cases. That’s just irresponsible. (It’s like they bussed in a border town or something, but that’s beside the point.) Also, I doubt he called the black kid a “racist joke too easy to make.” He probably said something more like “Hey, try not to rape any psychotic girls out there tonight, Kobe.” I don’t know. Something clever like that. It seems like that would be more his style.

Anyway, perhaps this “crazed man” just had a rough day at the office and wanted to get home to watch TV. Let’s say, hypothetically, he wanted to catch the Ghost Hunters live investigation on the Sci-Fi network and enjoy a low-carb frozen dinner. These people, by rudely blocking the streets, were disrespecting him and ruining his schedule. I can understand being upset by that, I really can.

Who knows? Maybe he went a little overboard because he had just gotten a flu shot and was a little out of it, and maybe his blood sugar was low. We really just don’t know. He obviously had his reasons for doing what he did. And he didn’t hurt anyone. He did kick that one guy, but that guy started it really. It was self-defense.

And even though tearing up a school is an unorthodox way to do things, I’ll bet those kids never play in the street again. That’s worth something, right? If their fat, sweatsuit-wearing parents won’t teach them anything, someone should, right? And I don’t want to get going about the school system’s failures, but, come on, let’s be honest: those kids learned more in five minutes from the “crazed man” than they’ll learn at that school in the next five years.

Look, I’m not saying we should build this guy a statue or something, but when you really think about it, he probably did some good. And I really think we should all stop calling him “crazed,” “lunatic,” and “madman.” How does misunderstood genius sound? Revolutionary thinker? If it were up to me, the police would stop looking for the guy and just let the whole “incident” slide. It’s all over now. I’m sure he’s not going to do anything else (provided everyone respects pedestrian-driver etiquette). Let’s just all move on and let it go.

15 comments:

neko said...

this misunderstood genius sounds a bit familiar..

I'm just surprised he didnt use any ninja powers on those inconsiderate jay-walkers.

swift justice, that's what i'm talking about.

Prunella Jones said...

Well, I don't know, I can kinda empathize with the crazed lunatic. I used to live in a small southern California town that was riddled with burned-out speed addicts and homeless drunks. They would frequently start to cross the street and then stop, having forgotten that they were walking, and hold up traffic. It would drive my dad to the brink of insanity each time it happened (usually several times a day).

"Get out of the road, ya bum, the welfare office is that way!" he'd scream and shake his fist. Or else he'd yell, "Get a job, rummy!" (Father was a verbal Zorro!)

Most of the time they'd shuffle off eventually, but sometimes the not quite brain dead addicts would taunt my dad by giving him the finger. That would always make the old man hyperventilate with rage. The thought of someone who paid no taxes daring to give him, a tax paying citizen, the finger practically gave him convulsions. I blame his early death on the supressed anger of not being able to mow down deadbeats. I'm sure it at least contributed heavily. You should get Max Bojo to look into this problem. My dad can't be the only victim of deadbeat pedestrian finger.

This so called "lunatic" probably is a misunderstood genius. I mean, people hated Jesus at first too, but now everyone has a 3D picture of him hanging on a cross over their beds. Well, I do anyway.

Mister Underhill said...

Isn't gayest power ranger like being the giantest giant? Wow.

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- He probably did think, at least briefly, about ninja kicking a couple of kids over a house, but it was dark and he just wanted to get home and watch Ghost Hunters ... I mean, supposedly. We really have no way of knowing.

prunella jones -- It sounds like your dad was pretty cool. Being a tax payer myself, I also become enraged when slacker junkies fuck around in the street where I pay good money to drive--even though that good money doesn't fill all the goddamned potholes.

Speaking of which, I think we should fill the potholes with junkies (either in pieces or just mangled enough to fit properly). I have a shovel and a bad attitude. I'd be perfectly willing to fill in a few potholes near my apartment on weekends to show the city how well it works. It's totally green too, which means bicyclists will appreciate it.

Problem is, most junkies not currently living in San Francisco are slowly migrating there, because that wonderful city is planning to build little clinics for junkies where they can shoot their junk with nurses present. Something like that, anyway--another taxpayer- funded piece of extreme jackassery. So, I say, instead of trying to get junkies off the streets, we ought to put them in the streets ... in the potholes.

mister underhill -- Obviously there was something extra gay about this particular power ranger. You know, like how manpanties are always gay, but cheetah-print Italian manpanties are above and beyond. This kid was so gay he was glowing in the dark ... probably. I wasn't there.

morbidneko said...

*laughs hysterically at the office and gets fired.*

Mister Underhill said...

Yeah, I seriously would have to see this I guess.

The gayness factor of power rangers alone go beyond what my brain can conceive of.

I'm guessing he must be the yellow one.

morbid misanthrope said...

morbidneko -- Just tell them it's a hate crime to fire the mentally challenged. They won't fire you then, and you might even get to wear the office helmet.

mister underhill -- You remember that Asian chick that played the Yellow Ranger on the first couple of seasons of the show? A few years later she died in a horrific car accident when the car she was in swerved violently across the road before hitting the roadside rock face, flipping several times, hitting the safety rail, and plunging over the bank. Another person in the car is now a quadriplegic. Just sayin'.

Mister Underhill said...

You're a bundle of joy, man.

I thought maybe you were making it up, but I just read all about it.

Well kids, it just goes to show dayglo costumes and scientology are bad mmmkay?

UBERMOUTH said...

That reminds me of my favourite joke-
A cripple girl was sitting in her wheel chair , crying her outs out when a jogging Adonis came by and asked, " what's wrong , darling?"

"Well," she cried, batting her lashes," I have never been kissed before!"
" NO problem." he says and bends down and kisses her.

The next day the same crip is sitting in her chair when he jogs by, but this time she is crying even harder than before.
" What's wrong now?" He asks
" Well," she says , again batting her lashes" I have never been fucked before"
"NO problem" he says and gently lifts her out of her wheel chair, walks her to the edge of the pier, throws her in the water and yells " You're fucked now!"

* I Used to work with quads and I ALWAYS told them this joke( which they loved)

UBERMOUTH said...

BTW I loved this post. One of your best!

morbid misanthrope said...

mister underhill -- Sometimes Captain Buzzkill and Commander Random Information team up. When they do, it's bundles of joy for everyone--bundles of joy like intangible sacks of dismembered puppies and sad clowns.

ubermouth – That is a good joke, especially if you tell it while performing the accompanying interpretive dance that goes along with it. That usually just involves kicking a sack of potatoes with a sad mime face painted on it. I’ve never worked with quads myself, but I have been known to laugh at retards and push people in wheelchairs off of high curbs.

the spirit of the yellow power ranger said...

Morbid- just to let you and Mister Underhill know, the afterlife is gayer than you can possibly imagine. Gayer than Elton John at a Gay Pride Parade. I mean basically we float around all day on Bobby Trendy designed faux fur and leopard print clouds, dancing to Cher tunes, slapping rainbow stickers on each others tight leather pants clad asses, and playing with lavender colored poodles.

Can't wait to see you both there. Toodles!

morbid misanthrope said...

spirit of the yellow power ranger -- That sounds more like the Islamic heaven, or Paradise, to me, and I know for sure I'm not going there. I'll probably either end up in Valhalla, drinking grog out of the skulls of the enemies I've killed or be reincarnated as a nuclear bomb so I can totally ruin a bunch of people's day. Or I'll just rot in the ground. Have fun gayin' it up in homo heaven, though.

Beefcake Almighty said...

Damn...Uncle Louie is on the loose again.

morbid misanthrope said...

beefcake almighty -- And if the authorities question me again, that's exactly what I'm telling them.