Thursday, August 03, 2006

Slayer, What the Hell?

Slayer has been around forever. They’ve kicked ass around the world and released some of the best thrash metal albums in history (not THE best in my opinion, but that’s hardly here nor there). In fact, Slayer has become so synonymous with metal you can’t even go to a metal concert without someone screaming “Ssssslllllaaaaaayyyyyeeeeerrrr!” Granted, it’s usually some shirtless drunk guy with shitty tattoos hanging from the balcony trying to take his pants off, but at every metal show someone has to pay screaming homage to Slayer.

I remember being a little morbid misanthrope, drinking cheap beer and whiskey (much like I do today), thrashing around in my room, blasting Slayer’s Reign in Blood. Hell, one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to was a Slayer show—they played with Morbid Angel and Pantera. When Slayer played “Angel of Death” the crowd went so red-assed-baboon crazy people were being carried out on stretchers every few minutes.

My point is Slayer has quite a reputation for ass kickery; however, their last album, God Hates Us All, was kind of catchy but also a bit of a letdown to a lot of fans. I’ll admit I still listened to it quite a bit, but its nu-metal elements really started to piss me off. If I wanted to listen to nu-metal, I’d put on a Slipknot CD, but than I’d have to kill myself because for being a pussy.

Slayer’s lyrics have never been awe-inspiring, but some of the lyrics on God Hates Us All were so butt-fucking, ball-slappingly retarded even the kid that came in last place in the nose-picking event of the Special Olympics would be insulted by them. Here’s an example:

I keep the bible in a pool of blood so that none of its lies can affect me!

I don’t understand how that would help. I mean, if you don’t like the bible, throw it away. Or even easier, just don’t read it. I can’t help but picture an inflatable kiddy pool with a little blood in it. For this to work, you’d need access to fresh blood twenty-four hours a day to refill the kiddy pool as the old blood congealed. After all, congealed blood is hardly an adequate “pool of blood.” I think they were just trying to be overly blasphemous to the point where it became silly; you know, like Deicide.

Perhaps I’m being overly critical. But I’m just in a shitty “what the fuck, Slayer?” mood after hearing one of the songs off their soon-to-be-released CD. It’s been five years since Slayer released a new CD, and after hearing “Cult” on, I’m rather disappointed. I know I should hear the whole album before passing judgment, but “Cult” was so weak I doubt I’ll buy the CD. Shit, I feel like a traitor for saying that. I’m going against the rules of metal by criticizing Slayer, but I never liked Black Sabbath so I don’t think the rules apply to me anyway. I’m such a rebel it’s adorable.

Slayer’s new CD, Christ Illusion, lost points with me as soon as I saw the cover. Slayer’s covers are notoriously scary, blasphemous, etc., but much like the lyrics I mentioned earlier, this cover is just trying so hard it becomes goofy. Also, one reviewer said the Jesus on the cover looks like a pirate. I’d have to agree.

The lyrics for the song “Cult” are silly, too. “Grrrrr, we don’t like Jesus! Religion is for stupid heads! 666! Wheeeee!” I’m obviously not the most mature person alive, and most of the music I listen to has goofy lyrics, but these lyrics are beyond laughable (especially the lines about the war, but I needn’t get into that right now). Maybe on their own they wouldn’t crack me up so much, but combined with the song itself … it’s just dumb.

I’ve always kind of laughed at Slayer’s guitar solos. I think pretty much everyone has. The solos on “Cult,” however, are so bad it’s hard to put into words. Some solos sound like someone is ball-fucking the whammy bar and flossing with the guitar strings, while other solos sound like a hoarse banshee drowning a cat afflicted with feline Tourette’s Syndrome. The song itself is pretty boring, although I must say Dave Lombardo’s drumming is pretty fucking good. Some nu-metal elements are present again, which makes me want to go to Hot Topic and punch all the customers. And aside from all that, the song is the same old same old but worse. Dammit….

My brother has likened Slayer’s direction over the last few years to “watching your dad fall down in the shower.” Sad to say, it seems to make sense. FYI, Metallica’s direction over the past few years is like watching your grandmother fall off the toilet.

Could it simply be that I’ve outgrown Slayer? No, couldn’t be. I still like their old stuff, and they still rule live. Besides, they’re Slayer.

I suppose I have to hear the entire album before I come to any real conclusions.


neko said...

i guess you could say most hardcore musicians have devolved since the golden age of our youth..

maybe they have less to be angry about.. mansions and servants have that effect on some people..

do you know of any metal band that got better with age?

i still think metallica is the most kick-ass metal band out there. sorry, slayer

Anonymous said...

Metallica IS the best band in the fucking world!!!

Just a shame for St. Anger! And I don't have any hope for the new album coming out next year! The wise old NEt says that the sound will be like ..and justice again, but they said that about St. Anger didn't they!

I'm not dissing Metallica, I just don't listen to a lot of tracks after Black. Except for S&M!!!


NewYorkMoments said...

I stayed in a super shitty hotel in Boston this week. And the bastards deprived me of my right not to read the Bible because they didn't provide one in my room. Bastards.

Cherry! said...

I think you must be evolving into a sophisticated death metal lover. You obviously know your shit. And that cover sucks!!!

BTW How did you go with the Satan the Goat thing?

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- There is certainly no shortage of bands that used to kick ass that suck now. Getting mansions, having kids, getting old ... all of that shit can turn you into a musical pussy if you're not careful.

It's not like Slayer has really mellowed out, their music just seems to have devolved into a combination of nu-metal elements; boring, redundant pseudo riffs; and poorly expressed, goofy, immature, anti-religious sentiment.

As far as bands getting better with age (and in this case, I'll mention a few bands that have stayed heavy as they aged, too) there are many. While some people might disagree--and I'm sure they will--in my opinion these bands got better with age (or at least lost none of their edge over the years):

Behemoth, Opeth, Emperor, Gorgoroth, Dying Fetus, Impaled, Carcass (at least until Swansong), Strapping Young Lad, Deranged, Vader, Cannibal Corpse, Morbid Angel, Malevolent Creation, Nasum, Mortician, Satyricon, Motorhead, Death, Hypocrisy, Vital Remains, Cryptopsy, Exhumed, Anal Blast, Meat Shits, Nokturnal Mortum....

Honestly, I could go on and on, but I suppose death metal, black metal, and grindcore bands tend to stay heavy or get better more often than "mainstream" bands because they don't reach the same level of success. There are plenty of black/death metal bands that ended up getting lame (cough, Mayhem, cough), it just doesn't happen as often as it does with mainstream bands. God, I'm a metal nerd.

Anonymous -- They may be your favorite band--they used to be my favorite band--but they could hardly be considered the best band in the world. Their musical ability is extremely lacking compared to bands like Decapitated. Hell, even bands less technical than Decapitated can play circles around Metallica. Lars has become one of the most boring drummers I've ever heard, and I'm extremely tired of hearing nothing but pentatonic guitar solos. I suggest you pick up a few of the Metallica tribute albums with death metal bands on them to see how good Metallica could be if they kicked more ass.

newyorkmoments -- No Bible in the room? Well, I hope they at least provided you with a remote control to the TV. I've had to stay in some shitty hotels/motels that barely had walls. In fact, if it weren't for the stains holding everything together, the whole damn place would have fallen apart.

cherry! -- I've been into death metal for a really long time. I'm pretty much a metal nerd/snob, but in a room full of metalheads, only one or two would agree with me. The rest would probably try to say some obscure band that existed in New York for three days was the best band that ever existed. One guy would invariably mention Slipknot or Korn and everyone else would kick his ass. Metalheads are such dicks when it comes to discussing music. It's pretty funny.

That goat fuckin' rules. I'm a city boy, so it's not often I get to see actual farm-type animals. They may not have changed his name to Satan, but that's what I call him. We tried to give him beer, but he wouldn't drink it, so we mixed it in with his oats. Then he tried to eat a tree and fell off of his little goat house.

NewYorkMoments said...

And I'll bet you had to walk 500 miles to school in 800 foot deep snow...

badgerbob said...

...the kid that came in last place in the nose-picking event of the Special Olympics...
Could you get me his autograph?

Victor said...

I agree nothing like fighting drunk mofos in the pit of a concert :)

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- What the fuck is "school"?

badgerbob -- That guy won't even return my calls. I kept trying to get his autograph, but he was too busy playing air guitar and drooling to sign anything.

victor -- Especially the skinheads. They're the ones who always get kicked out. Hell, even if you start a brawl with them, the bouncers throw their white-trash asses out. It's like a free pass to punch someone.

Cherry! said...

I would love to be in the room when that convo is going down. Especially when the guy gets his ass kicked by everyone for saying Korn is the best. hahaha! Even I know that isn't true.

Re the goat: Can you take it for walks on a lead and stuff like a dog? That would be so cool!! Just walk it to the park where everyone has their dogs etc and watch the looks people give you. Fabulous! So how many times have you got it pissed? Just the once? During my days of being constantly stoned from pot we used to get a friend's dog and birds stoned. It's quite funny but maybe that's just cause we were stoned. hahaha!

OMG I just realised you said 'goat house'. How cute! I think you should get some spray paint and spray Satan on the roof.

NewYorkMoments said...

Ooops. Sorry. I meant "skool."

just thinking said...


neko said...

yes. you are a metal nerd.

in my humble opinion...

*let's get this fight started*

... i think KoRn started out very good. their first, say 3 to 4 albums were kick ass. i like what mr manson did with his trilogy. (dont know if what he does is considered metal, but i like it).

ive only recently started listening to some of the bands you listed there, morb. so, the jury's not out on what i think of them yet...

so, can you list any metal bands that enjoyed HUGE success and fame, and got better with age?

*im drawing a blank here, but that may be coz i need to up the meds*

Polyman2 said...

I think a band progresses to a certain point where it outlives it's shelf life,
then if some dramatic change doesn't happen it becomes a caricature of itself along the lines of Spinal Tap.
I mean look at the Stones today- have they recorded anything of substance in the last 20 years, and Mick is still singing about being pinned by his mother.

honkeie2 said...

U have not out grown them they have out grown themselves. They are trying to change into what will sell to the masses. Their old music is the best but their last 2 cd's have been anything but the Slayer I knew. And Angle of Death is such a classic I now have to go out and dig out my old cd's.

morbid misanthrope said...

cherry! -- I've only hung out with the goat once. He's pretty mellow, but he looks like the baphomet head on the cover of Behemoth's Zos Kia Cultus. Every now and then he wigs out and runs into stuff.

A guy I used to know would get his dog high and then throw mashed potatoes at him. Hilarious.

newyorkmoments -- Oh, Skool. That's that one place I avoided going to for six years back when I was a teenager.

just thinking -- Thanks.

neko -- I've hated korn for years; Manson, too. When they were first getting big, this kid I knew--he wore a top hat most of the time--wouldn't shut up about them.

I was Mr. "Fuck them, they're not true metal." I stand by that. I've never liked that nu-metal stuff--nothing against you, of course.

As far as bands that get better as they get huge, I wouldn't know. I don't listen to anything "mainstream," so chances are if a band can be considered huge, I'm not much of a fan. It seems like the Hoff keeps getting better and better, though.

polyman2 -- Spinal Tap kicks ass. Some bands do indeed need to call it quits. I'd be happy if Slayer quit putting out new music and just went on tour from time to time. As I said, they still own live.

honkeie2 -- Slayer live from the retirement home! Kerry King busts out his spiked walker.

I knew the band was going downhill when Kerry King said he listens to a lot of Slipknot in an interview a few years back. That band's a bad influence on Slayer. Oh well, they can never take old Slayer away from me.

neko said...

it's sort of a pity that your objectivity was maliciously destroyed by some idiot in a hat. KoRn's first album is still my fave, always will be, i guess.

since jon davis turned into a whiny bitch and head left the band to turn to jesus... i dunno.

what in the world is gonna become of the metal scene?

i dont think slipknot is the way forward.

goats make kewl pets. for one thing, they eat anything. and if its a mommy goat, you get fresh milk daily..

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- I wasn't objective to begin with. Not only is korn nu-metal--which I hate--I just plain didn't like korn. The moron in the hat only exacerbated that hatred.

By the way, Davis didn't leave korn for the Lord, Brian "Head" Welch did. Good for him if it helped him get off all the drugs and shit.

As far as the future of metal, I'll still be listening to death/black metal, because bands like Morbid Angel are still releasing new music that kicks ass. Some new death metal bands, Decapitated for example, also kick ass and will continue to make death metal that gets better and better (hopefully, anyway).

Well, it's a male goat, so it generally just pisses all over the place to attract a female. That's ok, though. I hate goat's milk.

neko said...

oh, morb.

read my comment again. i got the "head" thing right. you're very informed for someone who hates them.

ive never had goat's milk. so, i wouldnt know.

neko said...

hmmm.. how do you feel about the undeniable fact that most death/black metal bands look really tired and... shall we say, retarded in daylight?

well, those that do the make-up thing... and play dress-up..

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- That's what I get for writing this shit drunk. Of course I'm informed; know thy enemy and all that....

Most black metal bands look retarded all the time. Although, some speculate that their "corpse paint" (not merely makeup, you see) was inspired by Norwegian folklore. There were these demons with terrifying faces that would swoop down from the sky, making terrible screaming sounds while abducting people. I forget what they were called; oskiri, oskari ... shit, I don't know. Anyway, some people think these demons inspired the whole black metal makeup thing. I, however, think it was started because little Scandinavian pretty boys aren't scary enough for black metal without makeup. Go ahead and make fun, but you might be making fun of another culture. You might come off as a xenophobe. Just saying.

As for death metal guys: Yes, they often look tired. You would too if you busted your ass touring the world, living on five bucks a day, riding around in a shitty van with no AC, and playing in dive bars and shit clubs every night. Plus, most of those guys still have menial jobs when they're not on tour. They make practically no money and get little record-company support. You know, unlike pampered nu-metal faggot bands with no discernable talent who get their videos on MTV and get to stay in fancy hotels, make millions of dollars, and get endorsed by trendy clothing companies like Adidas and Puma for doing little more than sucking a microphone like a cock and jerking off a guitar neck because they don't know how to play it.

I'd rather listen to some tired old guys who've been kicking ass musically for years than some stupid, trendy "band" that's really just a vehicle to sell shoes to sad gothic kids who frequent Hot Topic stores.

neko said...

point taken.


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