Slayer, What the Hell?

Slayer has been around forever. They’ve kicked ass around the world and released some of the best thrash metal albums in history (not THE best in my opinion, but that’s hardly here nor there). In fact, Slayer has become so synonymous with metal you can’t even go to a metal concert without someone screaming “Ssssslllllaaaaaayyyyyeeeeerrrr!” Granted, it’s usually some shirtless drunk guy with shitty tattoos hanging from the balcony trying to take his pants off, but at every metal show someone has to pay screaming homage to Slayer.

I remember being a little morbid misanthrope, drinking cheap beer and whiskey (much like I do today), thrashing around in my room, blasting Slayer’s Reign in Blood. Hell, one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to was a Slayer show—they played with Morbid Angel and Pantera. When Slayer played “Angel of Death” the crowd went so red-assed-baboon crazy people were being carried out on stretchers every few minutes.

My point is Slayer has quite a reputation for ass kickery; however, their last album, God Hates Us All, was kind of catchy but also a bit of a letdown to a lot of fans. I’ll admit I still listened to it quite a bit, but its nu-metal elements really started to piss me off. If I wanted to listen to nu-metal, I’d put on a Slipknot CD, but than I’d have to kill myself because for being a pussy.

Slayer’s lyrics have never been awe-inspiring, but some of the lyrics on God Hates Us All were so butt-fucking, ball-slappingly retarded even the kid that came in last place in the nose-picking event of the Special Olympics would be insulted by them. Here’s an example:

I keep the bible in a pool of blood so that none of its lies can affect me!

I don’t understand how that would help. I mean, if you don’t like the bible, throw it away. Or even easier, just don’t read it. I can’t help but picture an inflatable kiddy pool with a little blood in it. For this to work, you’d need access to fresh blood twenty-four hours a day to refill the kiddy pool as the old blood congealed. After all, congealed blood is hardly an adequate “pool of blood.” I think they were just trying to be overly blasphemous to the point where it became silly; you know, like Deicide.

Perhaps I’m being overly critical. But I’m just in a shitty “what the fuck, Slayer?” mood after hearing one of the songs off their soon-to-be-released CD. It’s been five years since Slayer released a new CD, and after hearing “Cult” on www.slayer.net, I’m rather disappointed. I know I should hear the whole album before passing judgment, but “Cult” was so weak I doubt I’ll buy the CD. Shit, I feel like a traitor for saying that. I’m going against the rules of metal by criticizing Slayer, but I never liked Black Sabbath so I don’t think the rules apply to me anyway. I’m such a rebel it’s adorable.

Slayer’s new CD, Christ Illusion, lost points with me as soon as I saw the cover. Slayer’s covers are notoriously scary, blasphemous, etc., but much like the lyrics I mentioned earlier, this cover is just trying so hard it becomes goofy. Also, one reviewer said the Jesus on the cover looks like a pirate. I’d have to agree.

The lyrics for the song “Cult” are silly, too. “Grrrrr, we don’t like Jesus! Religion is for stupid heads! 666! Wheeeee!” I’m obviously not the most mature person alive, and most of the music I listen to has goofy lyrics, but these lyrics are beyond laughable (especially the lines about the war, but I needn’t get into that right now). Maybe on their own they wouldn’t crack me up so much, but combined with the song itself … it’s just dumb.

I’ve always kind of laughed at Slayer’s guitar solos. I think pretty much everyone has. The solos on “Cult,” however, are so bad it’s hard to put into words. Some solos sound like someone is ball-fucking the whammy bar and flossing with the guitar strings, while other solos sound like a hoarse banshee drowning a cat afflicted with feline Tourette’s Syndrome. The song itself is pretty boring, although I must say Dave Lombardo’s drumming is pretty fucking good. Some nu-metal elements are present again, which makes me want to go to Hot Topic and punch all the customers. And aside from all that, the song is the same old same old but worse. Dammit….

My brother has likened Slayer’s direction over the last few years to “watching your dad fall down in the shower.” Sad to say, it seems to make sense. FYI, Metallica’s direction over the past few years is like watching your grandmother fall off the toilet.

Could it simply be that I’ve outgrown Slayer? No, couldn’t be. I still like their old stuff, and they still rule live. Besides, they’re Slayer.

I suppose I have to hear the entire album before I come to any real conclusions.