Friday, October 27, 2006

Little-Known Halloween Trivia

Another year, another pointless holiday I hate: Halloween. I’ve written about how much I hate Halloween before, so I don’t feel the need to do so now; besides, I’m really busy and I’d like to get trashed tonight—it’s Friday, after all. But, before I check out from my usual reality and enter Bingedrinkingville (population me), I figured I’d note some interesting facts about Halloween.

Contrary to popular belief, Halloween is not Satan’s Birthday. It’s actually the anniversary of the first time he speared one of the damned in the ass with his hell-spork. That’s right, Satan doesn’t use a pitchfork. It’s really a humorously oversized, fire-retardant spork.

Kids don’t really trick-or-treat just for the free candy, or at least that wasn’t the original intent of the Halloween tradition. Back in the early days of Halloween, parents would send their kids door to door to collect goodies to test their luck for the following year. You see, if the kids were given poisoned food, stuff with razor blades or glass shards in it, or excrement wrapped in cellophane baggies, they’d know their luck was shitty because their kids would die. If their kids lived, they knew their luck was tits, and they’d let their children play with the family groundhog.

Sacrificing small animals to the dark lord on Halloween makes your offerings no more effective than they would be any other night of the year; except, of course, for Christmas Eve. Satan digs it when people pay more attention to him than the Baby Jesus (Although, Baby Jesus doesn’t give a damn).

Druids and witches only celebrate the solstice, or what-the-fuck-ever, on Halloween because any other time of the year, they’d get their asses kicked for walking around in public, looking like lunatics and performing stupid, gay rituals.

Jack-o-lanterns used to be made out of turnips because it was harder for thugs to break them on Halloween night. Unfortunately, as dumb as common thugs are, they still figured out turnips were perfect for throwing through windows. After that, people tried making their Jack-o-lanterns out of bear traps baited with little bottles of Cinnamon Aftershock to fuck with the thugs. Again, however, even with their unusually low IQs, the thugs used trick-or-treaters and unlucky raccoons to trip the traps and take the booze. That’s when the mayor of some New Hampshire town was heard to say, “Aw, fuck it.” The next day he signed a local law that required all Jack-o-lanterns to be made of pumpkins. Word spread around the country, and Jack-o-lanterns have been made from pumpkins ever since.

People toilet paper houses because they think it’s a mean prank, when in all reality it’s a grand, albeit wasteful, tribute to America. This papery prank was started by Pierre Jacques Pierre of the French Bidet Company of Paris during the 1900s in order to make Americans switch to bidets from good ol’ TP. In a resourceful act of American kickassery, the toilet paper manufacturer Johnny “Tabula Raza” Smith paid Steven Seagal to go to Paris and throw bidets at all the cafés and ass-flatten every pastry he could sit on. Soon, a large number of Parisians switched to TP, and Americans everywhere scoffed at the idea of water spraying their asses and used toilet paper instead. Houses are still toilet papered today in honor of Johnny “Tabula Raza” Smith.

According to most State Constitutions (check your own to see if your state is included), killing people in scary costumes on Halloween is self-defense. Here’s the clause in my state’s constitution: “…and because on the darkest and blackest of nights known to man, any spectre, goblin, hobgoblin, Dracula, undead, member of the legions of hell, witch, or the occasional mummy may be indeed what it appears to be, slay them with sticks, torches, arms, or whatever you may possess, lest you should fall into evil’s meaty fists. Should the apparition be merely a costumed citizen, the maximum fine faced by the murderer shall be one dollar seventy-five because he murdered in terrified self-defense. Beside the point, grim reapers are spooky, and anyone dressed as one deserves whatever he gets. Bastards.” Last year, I had a pile of little dead Power Rangers, Spongebobs, pirates, and ballerinas three feet tall stinking up my front lawn.

Speaking of shitty costumes, I’ve noticed a severe lack of creativity in Halloween costumes as of late. Granted, dressing up like anything—unless you’re undercover, possess super powers, or have a severe yet hilarious mental disability—is stupid. At any rate, in order to encourage people to look less idiotic in their Halloween costumes, here are a few interesting costumes.

1. Anti-Bush/Iraq War protester with a protest sign absent of obvious typos.

2. The guy who plays “PC” in the Mac commercials beating the shit out of the guy that plays “Mac.”

3. A Muslim that doesn’t get pissed off if you insult Allah.

4. A predominantly black 11x17 printout on high-gloss paper that doesn’t just look really, really dark green.

5. Barak Obama Bin Laden.

6. A famous hip-hop mogul/rapper drinking tea and reading feminist poetry.

7. That fucked-up-looking midget in the red hood and cape that kills Donald Sutherland in Don’t Look Now.

8. A starving, AIDS-infested African child, recently adopted by a rich, Hollywood celebrity.


badgerbob said...

does this mean that I should rethink my badger bat-skank-ho costume?

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob -- Not at all. But might I suggest you call your costume "The Stinky Vadger"? I think that's a play on words or something.

badgerbob said...

Ha ha,ha,.. going off in another direction here, but...that picture of the monkey,is what I always pictured willow would look like , if she ever fell out of her tree.

badgerbob said...

Oops! Did I say monkey? I meant to say poor emaciated black child, who in a selfless decision to give up a life of starvation and poverty, rises up to be whisked away to a life of money and fame. I can hardly wait for the first album.
Not too mention the Lifetime movie, written and directed by Mr. Ritchie.

BD said...

I'm on for 4...

BD said...

Badgerbob -- Lionel Ritchie? Is he black?

badgerbob said...

Nope. Guy Ritchie. Lionel already has an emaciated child.

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob -- I know less about willow than you; although, like myself, I'm sure you've destroyed plenty of trees. And if not destroyed, at least defiled. You're an animal, though, I have no excuse. Oh, yes I do: I'm a drunk!

Also, Mr. Ritchie killed himself last year. Madonna has been using his skull like a puppet in order to create publicity for whatever turd she lets out and calls a movie or a CD.

bd -- Me too. I deal with all the color separation and whatever else, and the printers still can't get it right. Bullshit, I say. It makes an interesting costume, though.

neko said...

would you trick or treat if you got alcohol in lieu of candy?

Willow said...

I have never fallen out of a tree, although I once fell off the back of a turnip truck.

It was nearing halloween and my family was following the tradition of baiting our bear-trap-Jack-o-lanterns with either unlucky badgers, a family of hypens, or big hairy babboons. Bernie the Babboon had just dumped a load of steamy poop that was stinking out the whole jungle, so to perserve my sanity and to keep from destroying my nasal passages, I was forced to travel to the forest and hunt down another stinker, a sneaky badger called Bob, and drag him home instead.

Alas the story didn't end with a smiley face. After Halloween had passed, Badgerbob refused to leave. Sure, his dangling limbs made traveling difficult, and those pieces of steel hanging from his face were a little off-putting; but it's not as if he'd been up for Best looking creature of the forest award. In fact, Badgerbob's ugly mug had been one of the reasons cited by the park wardens for the low public attendance numbers and the high number of hideous creature sightings.

Unfortunately, Bob feels like he's part of the family and lives in the garbage can under my deck. Every night, in an effort to recapture the lost halloween magic, the still hideous and always creeepy Badgerbob swings from my patio lanterns while singing devil songs and urinating in my flowerbeds.

Does anyone need a badger for halloween?

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- Hell, no. I buy my booze like God intended. Sure, I'll take free booze if it's offered, but I sure as shit don't go door to door begging for it ... unless it's after 2:00 am and the stores won't sell me any.

willow -- Your story is, most likely, more terrifying than the new prequel to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If I had even the slightest chance of having kids at some point, I would tell them that story to scare them half to death, at which point I would bring them back to life, claiming to be some kind of Lovecraftian god of old.... I suppose I'm lucky I don't have a patio.

NewYorkMoments said...

I fucking hate Halloween. It's a stoopid and worthless piece of shit holiday for pussies who need an excuse to dress up like assholes and drink to much.

I don't need any excuse to drink too much.

honkeie2 said... forgot the past time of lighting your own house on fire to get the insurance money but blame it on Devils night wackos. But forgetting you didnt pay your insurance for the past 3 months.
But for the record I like halloweenie....yes its an excuse to be an asshole....and I am all for excuses.

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- I don't need excuses to drink a lot, either. Although, I probably should point out that my biological makeup is different from normal people in that drinking keeps me from getting cancer and liver disease.

honkeie2 -- Last year I burned down three neighbors' houses, but for some reason I've not yet collected any insurance money.

neko said...

insurance is evil.

repenting won't save you from it, only the certainty of death...

but even in death, it haunts.

ever hear of a little something called "estate duty"?

morb, did you consider asking those 3 neighbours for your "cut" of the ca$h?

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- I could have asked the neighbors for a cut of the money, but they all perished in the fires. Truly a pity.

Cherry! said...

You're not alone in Bingedrinkingville. I live there too. Or is that Alcoholicville? hmmm. Allow me to ponder that over a wine or two....

BTW - Glad to see you didn't blog too much whilst I wasn't blogging too much. Your's is my fave so there would've been alot of reading to do.

morbid misanthrope said...

cherry -- Sometimes I think I might drink too much, but then I realize that's just sobriety trying to fuck with me and I quickly dismiss such nonsense.

I would probably blog a lot more, but I'm very busy most of the time and my blood pressure medicine sometimes makes me go crosseyed. It's hard to type while crosseyed.