Saturday, March 17, 2007

An Interview with Rosie

Max Bojo, Associated Press

Rosie O’Donnell is famous for many things: having a voice grating enough to make even Fran Drescher suck a bullet out of a gun barrel; the ability to strip the meat off a roasted camel leg in one slobbery, toothy, obstreperous bite; sexually stimulating only the most self-loathing, most horrifyingly masculine, suicidal bulldykes; and having an understanding of complicated social and political issues which rivals that of history’s greatest minds. Yes, Rosie is a quite a woman (technically).

Due to her outrageous feud with “The Donald” and various incendiary comments she’s made on television’s most intellectual show, The View, Rosie has been all over the news. Rosie’s tumescent face has been on television so often as of late, the national revulsion rate has increased by thirty-eight percent. In fact, one disgusted viewer polled said, “If I had a penny for every time I seen that sow on TV in the last month, I’d be able to pay a limousine driver to run me over. To, you know, get her fuckin’ image outta’ my head.” Love her or hate her, Rosie isn’t going anywhere (without the help of a flatbed truck, anyway).

Rosie O’Donnell’s recent comments regarding terrorist leader/butcher/tick bait, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, have angered sensible people everywhere (fortunately for Rosie’s career, sensible people generally avoid The View like Democratic presidential candidates avoid debates on Fox News). On the other hand, people without the common sense necessary to keep them from ingesting their own waste don’t know what all the fuss is about. In fact, many of these people actually claim they learned something from Rosie.

“Well, I was at home, and I had accidentally started eating my own poop again, when all of a sudden, The View came on. Rosie and the gals—that’s what I call them because I feel like I know them—were talking about this guy named Kally Momed and how the government imprisoned him for no reason at that compound by Guam Bay. It’s really terrible what they did to the poor man. They made him wear a funny hat or something, and, well, you should see his picture. He’s all dirty and hairy. If it weren’t for Rosie and the gals, I just wouldn’t be aware of the world around me. Ooops, I’m eating poop again! Oh well—at least I’m recycling!”

Rosie O’Donnell has once again proven to be nothing if not polarizing (and, physiologically speaking, two-fifths pork gravy). As an important and well-regarded member of the press, I was able to meet with Rosie in her dressing room on the set of The View to get some answers from her.

As I entered the doorway leading to Rosie’s dressing room, her assistant gave me gas mask. I began to ask her what it was for, but before I could finish three words I began to gag. The smell emanating from Rosie’s dark dressing room was reminiscent of what a ranch for cattle with leprosy might smell like if it were bombed with overstuffed toilets from a Tijuana Taco Bell. As a hot blast of reeking air blasted past my newly protected face, I could hear Rosie guffawing violently, obviously very entertained by and enamored with her own flatulence. As I entered the room, she noticed me and waved me over, spitting what looked like a warthog skeleton on the floor.

Max Bojo: Good afternoon, Rosie. I’m here to ask you about some of the comments you made recently about Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

Rosie O’Donnell: Oh yeah. Another victim of President Bush’s torture squad. I suppose all those filthy conservatives are mad that I shed some light on their evil plans.

MB: Actually, many people, not just conservatives, are rather upset that you are sympathetic to Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM), the man who helped plan the 9/11 attacks and personally beheaded Daniel Pearl.

RO’D: First of all, KSM only admitted those things because our government tortured him.

MB: So you’re saying KSM is completely innocent?

RO’D: I’m saying our government tortured him to get him to admit he did things our government is responsible for. Our government blew up the towers. Duh!

MB: Wow, there is so much wrong with that statement, I don’t even know where to begin. Um … my head sort of hurts right now. Sorry. How do you explain this quote from KSM, then?

“I decapitated with my blessed right hand the head of the American Jew, Daniel Pearl, in the city of Karachi, Pakistan. For those who would like to confirm it, there are pictures of me on the Internet holding his head.”

RO’D: Torture, obviously.

MB: But the pictures KSM described exist.

RO’D: More government trickery. I mean, there are pictures supposedly of me on the internet with an entire raw horse’s head in my mouth.

MB: Those are real, though. In fact, before this interview you sent me an autographed copy of one of those pictures.

RO’D: Well, goddammit, just because you call a man a terrorist he’s no longer human? That gives the government the right to torture him all they want? Have you seen the picture of KSM, all disheveled and ragged? That is evidence of torture.

MB: Surely you’re aware that picture is nearly four years old and was taken when our troops captured KSM—not a recent photo taken of him after he was “tortured.”

RO’D: The Government is evil! Bush is evil! 9/11 was an inside job perpetrated by our government and the Jews that control the entire country! I’m so depressed about Columbine that I have to take antidepressants and hang upside down just to keep the sorrow at bay! Donald trump can suck my black dick! Christians are evil! Allahu-fucking-akbar! I’m three times the woman Nathan Lane is!

At this point of the interview, Rosie’s assistants entered the room and began pouring buckets of iced fish in Rosie’s mouth and brushing her tongue with a large brush. While Rosie couldn’t say much right then, her gesturing made it quite clear that our interview was over.

20 comments:

Dan said...

LOL!

badgerbob said...

Another great rant. And a good laugh.
I am so sick of seeing that loud, obnoxious, vile..... woman?
If it wasn't for the fact that she showers her mindless zombie housewife followers, with cheap gifts, she would have no fans. If you really want to be sickened, check out the comment section of a few of her blog posts. The mind boggling adoration shown by her legion of zombies, makes you realize how many stupid people exist in this world.

morbid misanthrope said...

dan -- Good ol' Max Bojo. It's nice to know the Associated Press hires real talent from time to time.

badgerbob -- The various types of zombie legions are starting to add up. Again, that's why I'm starting to collect all the weapons I can get my hands on. Garage sales are a good place to buy old silverware on the cheap. These items can be sharpened and used like little machetes. Thankfully, Rosie zombies are only slightly harder to kill than Oprah zombies--Oprah zombies generally have new cars, though.

BD said...

Aww, Rosie is one of my idols, she should get a new car too...

NewYorkMoments said...

I wonder if she's still in love with Tom Cruise.

badgerbob said...

Well she is gay, and he is rumored to be gay, in the tabloids, so how would that work?

I think rosie and oprah should square off in a boxing ring. It's a win-win situation for all men.

neko said...

i cant believe she gets paid to appear on tv...

BD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BD said...

Oprah and Rosie in the ring...

I'm sure my collegues all just looked at me cause I rocked in my chair with enthuse, something like a autistic infant thinking 'they were' getting that last bowl of custard.

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- I can't believe Rosie hasn't died in an "unfortunate" lard-eating accident yet. It's bound to happen.

newyorkmoments -- Only if Tom still has a vagina.

badgerbob -- Or in a boxing ring submerged in battery acid inhabited by mutated, super-strong, electric eels with a taste for human flesh. Then, men win and are totally entertained.

neko -- The same could be said for most people on TV ... and in movies, and on the radio....

bd -- Did you see John Tickle walk on custard on the TV show Brainiac? That was a fine moment for science indeed.

Prunella's cousin Edith the poetess said...

Rosie O goddess
corpulent lady lover
valiently
slaying bald billionaires,
loudly
diverting our attention from all the big noises and shiny things
with her uvulating blather.
Rosie O
I bow to thee
and send you a Xena warrior cry
"La la la la la la eeeeeee!"

BD said...

Ok, so she might be slightly larger than the average, trucker, but give her some credit...

John Tickle, holy 'some profanity' - that Big Brother oddity from here made into onto Brainiac. I didn't know that, but now I will have to venture into YouTube to have a look...

morbid misanthrope said...

...edith the poetess --
There once was a twazzer named Rosie
Her face was as red as her name
On TV she looked rather cozy
But in life she was rather red-assed-baboon crazy.

Shit. I never liked poetry anyway.

bd -- I had no idea John tickle had a television history outside of Brainiac. That was a great show. In fact, ol' Tickle even filtered then drank his own piss on Brainiac. Let's see Al Gore do that for science.

honkeie2 said...

"suicidal bulldykes"
Sounds like a great name for death metal band haha! And let us not forget charlie sheen's new podium. Sometimes I wish someone would bomb hollywood........maybe they should hold a F.A.G. (Films Actors Guilde) convention in one hotel for all out sopken actors/actresses and just gas the whole damn place with cyclon-b

BD said...

Yes, quite a substantial history.

He tried to modify a toaster so that one slice would be toasted twenty seconds before the other, because he wanted the spread to melt equally on both also, he wrapped a coiled hose in black plastic so that he wouldn't have to use hot water because the sun would 'warm' the water as it slowed its way around the coil.

He turned being on Big Brother warrant-able leg'end status.

morbid misanthrope said...

honkeie2 -- That would be an excellent death metal band name. Right up there with Rotted Twat and Buttgasm....

Yes, Hollywood is so full of bullshit and hot air it's essentially a compost heap. Sooner or later, however, it's simply going to collapse under the weight of its own self-righteous nonsense and, of course, immense stupidity (stupidity is three times heavier than air, which is why it must be heated to rise temporarily).

bd -- Sounds like Tickle was infinitely more interesting than any other reality TV star to date. Unless you count Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse.

Cherry! said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Love it! She is revolting and so is that show. They all talk at the same time and laugh when things aren't funny. I love they way they have the token black chick, skinny attractive white female, old Bette Midler look alike and the token dyke to cover all bases so everyone can 'relate' to something that's said during the episode.

On this people feeling sorry for terrorists thing, recently there has been an Australian guy that is finally going to trial after being held in 'Guam Bay' (HAHAHAHAHAHA! Hilarious!!) for about 5 years. People here are feeling sorry for the guy and saying that that's long enough blah blah blah. The guy was caught fighting for the fucking Taliban. Some people are saying 'Haven't you ever made a mistake in your life? We should give this guy a break'. Well everyone's made mistakes in their lives but that didn't include becoming a terrorist.

The leader of the opposition here (who is a geeky looking weasel) was being interviewed about this Aus guy over there and he was saying that he should be freed etc and then the interviewer asked if he'd forgotten about the photos that were taken of him fighting with the Taliban all he could do was stutter. Loser!

morbid misanthrope said...

cherry -- I believe Bono from U2 is also famous for bitching about this guy being in captivity.

Just because people make mistakes doesn't mean they shouldn't have to pay the price for them. For example, if you try to give a ninja a Wet Willy, you'd better expect to get a metal bear claw to the forehead. If you try to hump a Bigfoot, you're going to get smashed with a tree trunk. If you're a terrorist, you're going to get locked up.

I volunteer to solve the problem by killing the motherfucker. I don't see what's so hard about this shit.

BD said...

Bono is one of those See You Next Tuesday people, he is a terrorist. He was funding the IRA, sorry allegedly funding the IRA not that his bank trails that he publically released gave the whole game away long before the more commercially acceptable Middle Eastern terrorism was being conceived.

He is quite famous, but I think it's since he had sex with Bob Geldof in a white suit.

Bono and Rosie... mukky. I don't think Rosie would look good in white, it wouldn't flatter her curves.

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- Aside from being a terrorist enabler/terrorist lover, Bono is a tampon string.

He's a "humanitarian" tampon string with a stupid name.

I thought he would have lost credibility when the press found out he bought a first-class airplane ticket for his favorite hat, but here we are.