Monday, February 26, 2007

Random Shit Pissing Me Off

New Shows on Adult Swim
I was a loyal Adult Swim viewer until shows like Tom Goes to the Mayor started stinking up the AS lineup. The awful shows AS continued to air and debut were numerous and more disappointing than a BJ from a hooker with cottonmouth (so I’ve been told). For example, The Boondocks, 12 oz. Mouse, Squidbillies, and Moral Orel: These shows are so bad, when I first saw them they made me doubt the existence of a divine being. Countless times throughout the centuries, philosophers have asked “If there is a god, how can he let such terrible things happen?” Usually because it’s funny. This time, though, it wasn’t funny. These shows stunk more than a ten-year-old trunk full of used porno magazines in a hobo encampment.

As with everything else in life, things just got worse. AS’s latest batch of shit cookies—i.e., new shows—are possibly the worst yet.

Tim and Eric of Tom Goes to the Mayor infamy return with Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job. Who the fuck keeps giving these assholes TV shows? Tim and Eric suck harder than a desperate junky trying to fellate a fix out of Kurt Cobain’s corpse. And, as always, anyone who doesn’t like the show just
“doesn’t get it.” Bullshit. The show is an insult to anyone with a sense of humor. Although, if I ever have a shaman high on jungle drugs remove a large portion of brain through my nose with a chicken bone, I’m sure I’ll suddenly think the show is hilarious. At that point, I just hope I’m able to laugh like an imbecile without drowning in my own drool.

Saul of the Mole Men is a new show about as appealing as a fat baby with pinkeye. Overall plot: A boneheaded, mustachioed, Midwestern geologist ends up at the center of the earth (or something). He walks around for a while. There’s a queer Brit with a tambourine in there somewhere. The geologist fucks around with some retarded muppets. The viewer feels like a schmuck for watching and contemplates sending a box of dog turds to Adult Swim headquarters for revenge.

Assy McGee is about a talking ass that is also a cop…. Watching this show will give you Down Syndrome.

X-Treme Products/Marketing for Kids
“Hey, kids! Look at the sick packaging on our latest product! We used so many bright colors it could give a colorblind dyslexic a goddamn seizure! Can you read the text we used? Shit yeah, you can! It’s so big even a dumb kid like you can read it! Sound it out, stupid! Now get on your radical skateboard and ollie like a motherfucker over your baby brother! Hey! You know what’s really cool? Sucking the shit out of an electric eel’s ass! Hey! You know what else? If you eat food that can’t be crammed down your throat hole on the go, you’re obviously a little faggot on his way to fat-ass town! Now, squeeze the yogurt out of this tube, put on the latest Kidz Bop CD to hear the ‘kid friendly’ version of your favorite Good Charlotte song, and tempt fate by streaking through public restrooms in bad areas of town! Extreme! Killer, bro!”

Anna Nicole Smith-Related “News”
Am I the only one that finds it just a bit ironic—or stupid, I’m not quite sure which—that more people want Anna Nicole Smith’s body now that she’s dead? Sure, her life was like three train wrecks getting blown up by a dirty bomb, but I still don’t care what they do with her corpse. They could trebuchet the motherfucker into the ocean and it wouldn’t change my life in any conceivable way. I’ll just be glad when the E! network is the only channel covering the aftermath of Anna Nicole’s passing, and all trials related to her are consigned to special episodes of The People’s Court.

Britney Spears
It’s obvious she shaved her head so her hair couldn’t be tested for traces of drugs she smoked out of a round, glass pipe, but if she wanted more attention, she should have just posed naked for something. You know, do some classy pictorials to make up for her low-brow beaver flashing. Trailer Trash Ass magazine probably would have featured her. It’s no Playboy or anything, but it did wonders for the career of Missy Burke. Missy was a poor girl from a poor family in Alabama, but after she posed for Trailer Trash Ass, her confidence was boosted so much she finally had the guts to start stripping. She was a smash hit and made enough money to trade up from a meth addiction to a classy cocaine addiction. She then had a number of operations to fix her many physical flaws. After some additional dental work and a lot of recovery time, Missy was ready for Hollywood. She auditioned for every role in Hollywood. She did a few “art films” and then had to take some time off to let her jaw heal after an embarrassing accident during a casting session. Shortly thereafter she was picked to star in a little movie by the name of Fast Times in Ridgemont High. That movie launched her illustrious Hollywood career. Of course, now you know her by her new name: Sean Penn.

(Insert Ethnicity Here) Time
I’ve heard myriad tardy-due-to-ethnicity excuses in my day: people on Brazilian time, Indian time, Filipino time, Mexican time, Pygmy time, Hobbit time, etc. Here’s an example:

Me: “Dude, why are you so late?”
Person in Alternate Time Zone: “I’m not late. I’m on Mexican time.”

That’s really cute and all well and good, but I’m on white time, i.e., on time (because, apparently, we crackers don’t know any better). I’m sick of showing up to events unusually early because I was unaware the host expected everyone attending to be running on Inca time or some shit. Unbeknownst to me, the last event I attended was scheduled in Mongol time; I was so early, they hadn’t even tuned the Morin Khurrs and the Airag wasn’t fully fermented. I looked like such an ass.

So for fuck’s sake, on the invitation specify which time we’re going by so I can synchronize my watch with the sundial on the Temple of the Sun in Machu Picchu … or wherever these ethnically esoteric time zones have their origin.

Who am I kidding? I never get invited to shit, so this really isn’t a problem for me.

Reggae
I swear to Odin, the next time I hear the lyrics “legalize it” accompanied by repetitive, wah-pedal-tinged guitar strumming, I’m punching an irie motherfucker in the throat.

The Academy Awards
Wow, a bunch of pea-brained celebrities blowing ego loads all over each other. It’s even worse than all of those geriatric orgies Susan Sarandon throws in the bushes by the big Hollywood sign on Mt. Lee.


Crappy Cell Phone Ringtones
When I worked at ****** & ****** Magazine one of the ad sales girls had a ringtone of a baby laughing. Who the fuck intentionally picks a ringtone of a baby laughing? That’s creepy as hell. This particular girl would often leave the office for long periods of time and forget her cell phone. So every time one of her equally stupid friends would call her at work to talk about how many teachers they had to fuck to get through high school, it sounded like someone was tickling an infant in the other room. Not that I advocate violence against women, but I wouldn’t have been upset if someone crammed that cell phone up the bitch’s uterus and kicked her out a window.

29 comments:

badgerbob said...

That's alot of shit to unload. I bet you felt better after you hit post. Now it's time for a shot and a beer.

morbid misanthrope said...

badgerbob -- Perhaps the lack of beer and shots is what made me so cranky in the first place. On second thought, I was pissed off anyway, but the lack of booze doesn't help.

neko said...

good grief, morb, breathe.

or get drunk..

or BOTH! :D

it's always informative to read your rants -- the E! news doesnt hit SA till a couple days after.. they are still showing "live from the red carpet here" 24/7.

i suppose i should be studying, not watching repeats..

morbid misanthrope said...

neko -- I find it most efficient to study and watch TV at the same time. Just bear in mind that Anna Nicole Smith probably won't be covered on any of your tests.

BD said...

I was thinking something there, but we shouldn't add to the debacle...

NewYorkMoments said...

You're my hero.

I may continue this list on my blog if I can find the energy.

morbid misanthrope said...

bd – Debacles always get added to. I believe it’s one of the laws of thermodynamics. And according to the laws of thermodynamics, this blog is going to get worse and worse.

newyorkmoments – Spread the hate while it’s legal.

NewYorkMoments said...

If hate ever becomes illegal here then I'll move to Pakistan and become a male muslim suicide bomber and blow something up.

morbid misanthrope said...

newyorkmoments -- As of now it is only becoming illegal to say hateful things, however, once the government learns to read minds, hate itself will be outlawed. If you do happen to move to Pakistan to blow things up, please blow up some Muslim Pakis; they're probably hiding Bin Laden over there.

badgerbob said...

While your at it, could you please blow up the Easter Bunny. That guy really pisses me off.

BD said...

Its not the so much the crappy ring tone, its when I clamber into a pub after a stressful day at the office and the retarded excuse for a barmaid propping herself up against the bar whose swollen tumour like belly is obviously impinging her ability to serve the queue of thirsty gents who have entered the otherwise reputable establishment starts sampling each of her mono or poly phonic 'tones' in consecutive succession, so not only do I get to enjoy the limp pop piss of the present in beeps and trings, I get the fucking top 20 - like a chart show of the shit (theres going to be an Orange advert in there somewhere)...

just thinking said...

Tonight on AS a troll was released through the power of a heavy metal band... I'm more into futurama lately.

I don't get the fight over Anna Nicole's body... It's far overdue burial by now.

Ringtones, they should start making them without the ability to ring.

honkeie2 said...

You know what? I feel better after a good crap too.
But what do you think of the cartoon: Bo-Bah-Bo?
But I would still fuck britney, and hell for that fact I still have sex with anna's lifeless body. At least she wouldnt be talking.

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- Congratulations! That was the longest sentence I've read this week. I can see why you'd be pissed; a pub is no place for that kind of bullshit. Perhaps her tumor-like belly is really some sort of living creature that will tear out of her when fully grown. If that's the case, maybe it will tend bar more efficiently than its former host.

just thinking -- Metalocalypse: Possibly the best show on AS. Deathclock: Undoubtedly the best death metal band ever featured on an AS show. Even the singer from Cannibal corpse did a guest voice for the show.

honkeie2 -- I've only seen Bo-bo-bobo-whatthefuckever once. It's mildly entertaining. If you like random-ass anime like that, I suggest Excel Saga, Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi, Cromartie High, and Puni Puni Poemy. Weird shit.

I'm sure a lot of people would be quite content to bone Anna's corpse. Unfortunately, boning her corpse won't give you a contact high like boning her while she was living.

prunella jones said...

I haven't watched Adult Swim since they stopped showing "Space Ghost." Bastards.

morbid misanthrope said...

prunella jones -- Thankfully, there are Spaceghost DVDs. They showed a rerun of Spaceghost last sunday, by the way. It's just unfortunate that they stopped producing quality shows to make crap even Jesus on ecstacy couldn't love.

BD said...

Was Monkey ever shown in the US, this kinda pre manga but manga-esque frame by frame animation of a ninja monkey in the clouds? There was always this 'MUNKAAY' kind of call in the background, it appeared quite random.

Obviously I never watched it, I only remember because it was right before the late re-run of the Magic Roundabout...

Ah, Channel 4, the place where to host a show you had to have a track record of touching kids or get caught taking white powdery stuff in a public place...

neko said...

sigh...

cable tv my @ss.

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- If they played Monkey here, I never saw it. But it has always been my opinion that ninja monkeys aren't adequately represented on television, and I would encourage the airing of this program to help rectify that problem. If the show sucks or is boring, however, I'm not watching it. If any ninja monkeys have a problem with that, they can come to my house and fight some ninja ferrets in my front yard. I mean, how sweet would that be?

A history of touching children and/or snorting coke: If Michael Jackson had a nose with which to snort drugs in powder form, he would have his own television show.

neko -- Sounds like a new reality show.

BD said...

It wasn't boring.

Morbid how could you suggest such a thing, Michael Jackson would never be caught up in any those activities.

Besides, (if) his parents beat him so he's never going to make good quality programming - Oprah...

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- You're right. What the hell was I thinking? I just hope Oprah doesn't find out I contradicted anything she's ever said. Her private Thought Police show up out of nowhere and always, always, punch below the belt.

BD said...

She's a bit of an ungrateful bitch really.

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- Ungrateful bitch or twatergob. Either works for me.

BD said...

Are you talking about Oprah?

morbid misanthrope said...

bd -- Who isn't?

Kenrick "Chief" said...

Morbid Morbid Morbid.......

.........I was side by side with you all the way until you went mad! And started crying about MINORITY TIME! Shame Shame Shame, my time will always be on INDIAN TIME! And for all of you people out there who can't stand that, heres what I have to say.

GET OVER IT! WE DON"T CARE WHAT YOU THINK! IF WE DID WE WOULD BE ON TIME!

Great blog Paul! I would read it more but I run on INDIAN TIME!=)

morbid misanthrope said...

kenrick "chief" -- I am not opposed to people running by whatever time their ethnicity demands. In fact, being as multicultural and ethnically sensitive as I am, I encourage it. All I ask is to know, ahead of time, which time all parties involved are running on so I can adjust. Come on, dude. Give whitey a clue.

Cherry! said...

I heard an interview on the radio with th guy that did the autopsy on Anna Nicole. He found that she had an 'unremarkable anus'. WTF?!?!? Made me laugh my head off so much that people were staring at me.

Reggae - WTF is that shit? Seriously.

The Academy Awards - UGH! I hate this too! I don't understand why they get paid so much to 'act'. It's not like they're saving people's lives or anything. What I do like about the awards though is seeing how wrong some of the dresses are.

crappy ringtones - I must admit I have been known to select the most irritating ringtone just to annoy others and get a giggle from people giving me strange looks, but the baby laughing is weird. The lady I worked for in Italy had recorded her baby laughing and I thought that was a tad obsessive myself.

What about the gal at your work? Was it at least her child?

morbid misanthrope said...

cherry -- "Unremarkable anus"? That's a new one to me. And here I thought her celebrity status would be enough to make her asshole at least a little remarkable.

I don't think the baby laughing ringtone was actually her kid. In fact, I don't even know if she had a kid. I was hoping she wasn't allowed to reproduce.